To ask if extrovert and introverts can be friends ?

[Myusername101z]

I’m very much an introvert I absolutely love my close friends who are either also slightly introvert or very much respect that I am and give me the space I need from time to time. There is one particular friend who couldn’t be further opposite to me very loud , loves being centre of attention and talks and talks and talks to the point where after I’ve spent time with her I feel drained and unexplainably anxious. The problem is with her is she wants to see me a lot and I find it difficult spending time with her. There are only so many times I can put off seeing her until I eventually have to give in , she’s very demanding and will call me and say “I am going to come and visit you” or “let’s go x today” it feels like she makes demands on my time and doesn’t actually ask which makes me feel so awkward and on the spot. I don’t really understand how she hasn’t taken the hint that I’m not her biggest fan as I never contact her to make arrangements to meet and I constantly make excuses.I find it really hard saying no to her as I find her slightly manipulative and she will always have a sob story as to why she needs a friend , she is also over the top with kindness and gifts etc but is quick to throw these things in my face and expect I return the favour. I feel like she’s deluded in the fact that she thinks we are great friends but we really aren’t, I haven’t given her this impression and pathetically only sometimes spend time with her to avoid an argument. can I just say aswel I know not all extrovert people have personalities like this so my title may seem a little misleading or offsenive to extroverts I don’t mean it to be. One more point to add we attend the same university so I do bump into her a lot which doesn’t help...anyone ever dealt with a person like this any tips ?

This really sounds like it’s not an issue of introversion v extroversion.

You don’t like her very much. She’s got a thick skin and can’t tell. Just avoid her and stop spending time with her.

To answer the Q in the title- yes, of course. But it helps if you actually like each other!

Yeah I think I’ve realised I could have worded my title a lot better our differences certainly run a lot deeper than introvert vs extrovert , thanks

There seem to be regular threads about introverts and extroverts as if they’re entirely different species. I don’t get it? Of course they can be friends. You just don’t like this person, it’s as simple as that. The traits you mention are not because she’s an extrovert. Being extrovert doesn’t mean you need to be centre of attention, it simply means you get your energy from being around others.

My GF is an extrovert, I'm an introvert.

She's good for me because I do new things I wouldn't otherwise do.

I'm good for her because I suggest things she wouldn't normally do.

We're both respectful of how much energy the other person has and how they need to regenerate it.

So yeah, it can work, but you need a strong base of respect and acceptance which doesn't sound like it's the case.

Yes @pimpom8 I had pointed that out in my original post

Thanks @sethis I agree with you here I think she doesn’t respect my need to be alone and thinks she can just demand my time whenever she wants it , obviously I see other issues with her personality that are not down to her simply being an extrovert

It depends on whether the introverted friends think about the needs of their extroverted friends too or if it's just a one way expectation. Introverted people can be really draining and frustrating, particularly when it comes across as passive aggressive power play

Opposites can attract in terms of friendship and I think so as long as the extrovert is understanding that the introvert may want quite a bit of time alone and won't want to go out too often and not take it personally you could have a good friendship.

Someone who is quite a strong extrovert is likely to have a wide social circle to go on outings so they need not rely on their introvert friend for that.

Well perhaps the reason she tells you she is coming over or tries to drag you places is because she really likes you, thinks youre friends and this is the only way she gets to see you.
By your own admission she is very generous and has been going through some tough patches and needs her friends around her. Do you accept her gifts? It sounds more like you're leading her on. If you don't like her, then stop being friends.

I think this introvert/ extrovert thing is massively overstated so introverts can share memes about being superior because they like to stay in sometimes. You just don't like her while she obviously enjoys your company. Just tell her that you don't want to be friends anymore so she doesn't continue to make a fool of herself making the effort when you don't like her.

On another note, it can be quite difficult for an extrovert to fully understand what an introvert needs and vice versa. You think she should be more understanding of your needs but you could also be more understanding of hers. I say this as an introvert with a extrovert DH

Of course they can, but this friend sounds pushy and forceful - it’s not that she’s an extrovert that’s the issue, it’s how you feel about behaviour. Extroverts are outgoing and social but that doesn’t mean short hand for all the things you’ve described above. If anything extroverts are generally good with people and wouldn’t want to make others uncomfortable.

She sounds like a narcissist who is drawn to you because you listen to her and go along with what she wants to do and never say no or express a contrary opinion.

I bet money if you started saying things like "hmm I disagree" or "hmm no I don't want to" she would drop you like a ton of rectangular building things. Amidst a tornado of drama of course!

@rednaxela I think you are spot on and this is why I struggle with her. It’s easy for people to say just don’t be friends with her anymore but how ?? Without causing a massive drama for myself. I have tried the subtle ways of distancing myself which haven’t worked and I just can’t see myself being upfront and saying “don’t contact me anymore” because she’s not actually done anything awful to me.

You just have to go on saying no.

So when she says “ lets do x today “, you say “ sorry but i have a lot of studying / housework to do / visit my granny “ .

And whatever she says you just go on saying No.

Oh my I really want to see that exhibition and i have no one else to go with.

Sorry that won’t work for me

Why not? You can see you gran later ?

I’m sorry have plans for that day / week.

But i hardly ever see you and i thought we were friends

Well I’m just really busy right now

But may cat has died and I’m upset.

I’m sorry to hear about your cat, but I’m busy / have plans .

What about next week / month?

I’m sorry I cant commit to anything .

She sounds like a pain in the arse to me. People like her don’t want friends, they want audience members.

You’ll just have to be a bit firmer with the no. Don’t expect her to take the hint out of decency.

Of course they can. I’m an extrovert married to an introvert (according to the MBTI course we both had to take as part of the graduate scheme we met on).
However the differences in your post as pointed out by PP’s are nothing to do with extroversion vs introversion. You just don’t like her.

This is nothing to do with intro or extroversion. She’s just not someone who’s a good fit for you in friendship. The fact she thinks it’s acceptable to demand to see you instead of inviting you to do things is very telling. She sounds so overbearing and you clearly don’t like her (which is fine, neither would I!)

Actually this is more of an issue around your own confidence and assertiveness, why you’ve allowed this to go on for so long and what you’re going to do now to manage the situation. I suspect you’d like the friendship to cease, not to change but to end. So end it. Stop accepting her demands to see her, every time she tries to see you tell her you’re busy, don’t give in once or the intermittent reward will teach her if she pesters you ten times and you finally give in it’ll take ten times next time to get you to see her and it’ll never end.

Friendship is a gift that is entered into willingly from both sides, you owe her nothing. What’s going on with your lack of assertiveness? What are you afraid of here?

“There are only so many times I can put off seeing her until I eventually have to give in”

This is a cop out and simply untrue, you don’t have to give in. You’re choosing to spend time with her. If you don’t even want the friendship you have nothing to lose in being firm and not seeing her anymore, what’s the worst that’ll happen? She stops being your friend? Success!

What are you gonna do? Or are you going to just continue with the way things are?

I just can’t see myself being upfront and saying “don’t contact me anymore” because she’s not actually done anything awful to me.

If she isn’t taking the subtle social cues you’ve been displaying you may well have to tell her upfront ‘I don’t have space in my life anymore to continue being friends, please stop contacting me, this isn’t working for me’.

Someone doesn’t have to have done something wrong to put an end to a friendship. But she IS doing something awful to you OP. She’s completely ignoring your needs. She doesn’t ask if you want to see her, she demands it. She pesters someone who NEVER puts effort into the friendship into seeing her and then spends the whole time dominating you. She manipulates you with sob stories. She throws things in your face.

Do you not see that this is more than enough to end the friendship?

In the nicest possible way, she’s probably already clicked that you don’t love her but doesn’t care as you’re meeting a need of hers. In some ways you’re a perfect match as she knows you’re weak and a doormat and will do what she says to what, keep the peace? Avoid feeling a bit awkward? You are half of the problem here and if you choose to let it continue because having her in your life is preferable to setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself that’s a perfectly valid decision. But this isn’t something she’s doing to you and you’re helpless. You can end this anytime you want.

Or she values you and is worried that she's done something wrong and not sure what, or that you are in a bad place and trying to work out the reason why you're making no effort.

If you don't want to be her friend, be grown up enough to let her know rather than subjecting her to months of self doubt and worry about you or her own self worth.

Introversion & extroversion are on a spectrum, not black & white compartments.

If you really are at the extreme end, it’s unlikely you can have a fulfilling relationship with the other extreme.

Reading your post, I’m not going to agree with posters who are saying it’s not relevant at all though. I think you’ve picked up on a real problem, and it’s something that can happen. If she’s decided you’re a great listener and reliable ‘rock’ friend, it’s possible she’s become too dependant on that in you, and a bit selfish.

Time to renegotiate the friendship. Blanking her is unlikely to work- she may just get more persistent!