DD residential

[dilemma3]

Hope u lovely ppl can settle an argument.
Dd (11) is due to go on a residential trip with the school, we put deposit down ages ago .

Due to financial reasons were not able to pay it up slowly, we are now in a position to pay the rest..

But here's the dilemma , she's been misbehaving (for absolutely ages) , and DH told her she can't go !

My argument is, the punishment should be carried out each weekend wen we go out as a family ( bowling , cinema etc ) .
Rather than tellin her months in advance its cancelled .

This is a School trip , a lifetime experience which we most likely won't do ..

Who's right ? Should I push for her to go ?
Or stick to not sending her on the basis she plays up ?

Tia

YANBU. He shouldn't have unilaterally made that decision and I agree with you it's way too far in advance to even be meaningful as a consequence. There need to be shorter term consequences when she misbehaves not one sudden over reaction.

Personally no I think that children grow a lot on residentials

Agree with @HardofCleaning. He shouldn't have unilaterally have made that decision and the two of you should discuss it. If you agree to do an alternative consequence then you should both talk to her together and DH could say something like "I told you X without talking to Mum first because I was cross. We have talked about it and decided that XYZ is going to happen instead."

I would say something like we need to see an improvement in your behaviour if we are going to be comfortable with you being away from home without us. We need to know you can be sensible enough to handle being away.

In the meantime X will happen if you do Y. We will reassess in ABC time as to whether you are doing better and can go. I'd write it down as a contract and have everyone sign it and then put it somewhere where it can be found easily but not seen by visitors... e.g. inside cupboard door.

Separately on a different occasion I think someone (you?) needs to have a talk and try and get to the bottom of what is happening and why. Problems at school? Anxiety about secondary school? Hormones? There is usually a reason for bad behaviour. Children "do well when they can"

Oh and IMO she shouldn't have to have perfect behaviour to go and it shouldn't be a stick to beat her with. Just that there is an improvement and you are happier with how things are going.

I don't know about your school but at mine the residentials feed massively into teaching and learning of English, history, geography, art etc. The kids that don't go (because parents won't let them - we never let a child miss out for financial reasons) really struggle.
Also, is the poor behaviour at school or home? If it's at school the school should be deciding whether they are willing to take her. If it's at home it's inappropriate to use school related activity as s punishment.

I think the residential is in the bag and that should go ahead.
The behavior obviously need to be tackled.
Personally I would sit her down with dad and tell her you are not happy with what is going on and things will change from this moment. From now on there will be consequences to her behavior and they will be......... ( whatever you have decided before the chat) I would make the consequence manageable for you and dad. There's no point giving something that is too big you can't manage it or that you have no where to go with the next consequence if she carries on misbehaving. I would stress that you carry out what you have agreed and see it through other wise DD learns nothing except that you can change your mind and things don't change

I agree the consequences of bad behaviour shouldn’t impact on a school activity, especially as the bad behaviour seems to happen outside school. I also think it unlikely you’ll get any money back as the school will have costed the activity for a certain number of pupils - unless there is a reserve list.

She should go.
She will have to Follow school rules they will send her home if she misbehaves.

Family outings should not necessarily be used to punish . You got just a few years to enjoy them with her and build good relationships...she might talk or open up while whacking a ball....
Behaviour has a reason. Behaviour is communication . What is the misbehaving and what is she communicating?

Also she old enough to sit and agree rules and consequences and how you expect each other to behave.

Thank you all for taking time out to reply! I will take on board each one of yours advice x