I am MORE than a VICTIM of abuse!!!!! It does not define me!!!

[SavvyShh]

I was sexually abused over a number of years and then eventually raped as a child by my Grandfather. My parents found out and did everything in their power to protect me, help me over come the abuse and see my grandfather sent to prison for a number of years.

I've had my struggles through my teenage years and early 20s but I overcame these and have gone on to have a wonderful life, a wonderful career (in the sphere of developing and researching policy to protect children), a wonderful marriage and two fantastic children.
I don't keep my past a particular secret - but I don't shout from the roof tops about it either, and haven't really discussed it with anyone in depth for a number of years - there has been no need too.
A recent series of events has brought the abuse from my childhood back to the fore. I have been fine to talk about it and it's been relevant to the situation. But as an adult I have been increasingly shocked by people's responses.... On telling people about my past I've had comments such as:

• 'oh I'd never have known - you hide it so well...'
• 'really, but you're such a good mum...'
• 'I'd never have guessed, you're so well adjusted...'
• 'Can you ever trust your children with your father (it was my paternal grandfather)'

and best yet - 'Was it weird for your DH when you first had sex, well knowing that...' this is matched with looks of pity and a real feeling that some people view me as some sort of damaged doll...People have been surprised I've been able to have a 'normal' marriage and am a 'normal' parent. It's frankly insulting.

Now please don't misunderstand me - I know I am so lucky to have had the parents I had, the support I had to go to court and see him prosecuted and the counselling I have had to support to move on. But I feel really saddened that somehow this new information seems to give people the permission to question me as a mother, a wife, a person... it's like some people now only see this and define me by this experience. I worked really hard in my late teens to not see myself as 'damaged goods' but some of these comments and responses have sent me back to that place. Heaven knows how I would feel if I hadn't had all the support I have had to move forwards in this....

the abuse was something that happened to me - it is not who I am......

I could have wrote your story same family member supportive family etc apart from he was dead before I came out with it

Defo not defining me but a big factor in moulding me and sometimes just sometimes I feel it's made me the person I am today and there are good things that come from it without sounding odd

I'm a protective mother and I have high morals and lots of things I think stemmed from that it won't define me but it's a factor I haven't thought about it for a few months actually and I don't mind thinking about it it doesn't do much to me anymore but it's always a factor in my everyday life even if I don't think of it for weeks or months

Actually I reckon this is a record for me

Some of those comments are completely outrageous! Especially the one about DH. I can understand the thought process of "wow you've overcome that experience so well" but the rest is completely non sensical.

YANBU, love and you know it.

From one survivor to another: lots of people seldom know what to say to these things because they cannot relate to it on a personal level, no matter how sympathetic or supportive they are. Don't let other people's perceptions of you define who you are; you're strong, vital and not defined by what someone did to you. You're who you are despite that.

I understand where you are coming from op. Had some bad experience as a youngster though not with family.

We really do have to be very careful in whom we confide. We've done nothing wrong but that isn't the point, who wants to looked at as 'that poor woman who.....'. It's private and - as you say - it does not define us.

I do understand what you are saying. I (as a victim of prolonged childhood abuse also) feel slightly differently though. What happened to me may not define me, but it has shaped me inexorably and I can't break free from that, because it's so much an integral part of me (the psychological effects). I did not have any support or help though (because it was perpetrated by one parent, and ignored by the other)..I'm only receiving any now (and I am almost 50). That may make a huge difference to how I feel today that might have been avoidable.I don't view myself or my life as a success, it's impossible at present to do that. Like you though, I have been told that I hide it well..or "you would never know"..I'm not sure quite how people would expect me to be.

I apologise if my post is in any way offensive, it was not meant to be - I just wanted to comment from a different viewpoint.

Goodfortune thank you for that post - that is not offensive at all!! I hope in my post I did not present that everyone should feel how I feel. But importantly I think we should be the ones who decide how it shapes our lives and how we define/ reflect on our experiences, it is not for others to assume they know how we feel about it, or to define us by it.
Whilst I say it hasn't defined me, it has undoubtedly shaped me. Like a pp said, I am protective of my children, I am overly reflective and moral about what how I think we should be and I can't part my experience from my career choice fighting for better protective services for vulnerable children. But they are my choices learning from and reflecting on my experience, the fact there seems to be a stereotypical judgement passed on us by others seems shockingly unfair - a sort of double whammy of abuse - you experience the awful abuse, and then spend a lifetime being judged by it.
Sending love and I am glad you are receiving support now. xxx

Omg I agree with you so much op and the other poster!!

you experience the awful abuse, and then spend a lifetime being judged by it

Welcome to our victim-blaming culture. Very, very rare to ever see a perpetrator treated that way. (but everyone deserves a second chance but he's a changed man)

I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. Some people are complete idiots.

You are quite unusual in having seen your abuser prosecuted. And found guilty. And punished. I wonder how much this changes your feelings on this subject? (Genuinely, I don't know because I'm not you!)

To be clear, I'm not getting at you for that - it's reassuring to know that outcome is achieved in some cases and I'm really pleased it was for yours.But most of us don't see that happen. Lots of us - on top of the idiotic comments you've been faced with - also have to deal with being labelled liars or attention seekers. Of people simultaneously viewing us as damaged goods and liars/fantasists/etc. Of being doubted and judged. While people go out of their way to defend the reputation of the person who irreversibly harmed us.

I digress. All of what's been described here is why I take issue with the use of the word "victim" as a slur. Of people people told they have to choose not to be a victim, or that if they can't magically heal the injuries their abuse caused then they're playing the victim or sitting in victimhood. It's blaming bullshit.

All of this is because of our toxic culture of blaming victims to avoid feeling frightened at the knowledge that any of us could be abused at any time by somebody close to us. That we wouldn't see them coming, we wouldn't be able to instantly spot them, and our lives aren't as safe as we wish.

How much more effectively could we protect people if we left the collective bubble of denial and laid the blame where it actually belongs instead of trying to defy logic and decency to blame a victim for another person's actions!

The only reason we place so much value on reputation instead of human decency is because of power structures. If reputations are valued above all else, then you can control people better. If reputations are valued above all else, then your power can't be challenged. Men's reputations are always more important than women's lives.

Just move on is also somewhat harder when you were called a liar for trying to speak out about what happened to you, and you know there's nothing you can do to stop the person who hurt you hurting somebody else.

I know it's not my responsibility, but it's heartbreaking to know other people could end up with lives shattered like mine and I can't do anything to stop it. And nor can our supposed justice system.

Trauma affects everybody differently.

Anouk I keep trying to reply to this post but not sure how to find the right words. Your post moved me to tears. You write with an absolute honest reflection on reality, and please don't get me wrong I know I am one of the lucky ones to have seen my perpetrator go to prison, and I've no idea what my outcomes would have been if that path had been different. My criticism here is with society and its shaming of the victims, whether we get this outcome or not. The fact by revealing this part of my childhood, suddenly my role as a mother, wife, person was all brought into question has saddened me beyond belief, I cannot imagine how it feels to have all of that plus as you say the accusations of liar and demands to 'just move on'. xx

GoodFortuneAttendThee Tue 25-Sep-18 20:51:25
I do understand what you are saying. I (as a victim of prolonged childhood abuse also) feel slightly differently though. What happened to me may not define me, but it has shaped me inexorably and I can't break free from that, because it's so much an integral part of me (the psychological effects). I did not have any support or help though (because it was perpetrated by one parent, and ignored by the other)..I'm only receiving any now (and I am almost 50). That may make a huge difference to how I feel today that might have been avoidable.I don't view myself or my life as a success, it's impossible at present to do that. Like you though, I have been told that I hide it well..or "you would never know"..I'm not sure quite how people would expect me to be.

I apologise if my post is in any way offensive, it was not meant to be - I just wanted to comment from a different viewpoint.
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You are not being offensive at all.

It's bad enough being the victim of abuse but being abused by a close family member (which was not what happened to me), must be ten times worse. It is such a breach of trust and if you can't trust your family, who can you trust?

I'm glad you are receiving help now and you will move on but the memories cannot be erased. Hopefully the help you receive will enable you to accommodate it all.

Bless you, look after yourself.

i believe you

I'm new to Mumsnet but your story resonated with me and moved me to post my first comment here. Firstly I'm sorry you went through this hellish experience and admire your strength in overcoming it. I too suffered abuse in childhood (not sexual but physical and emotional) by a close relative, and was raped by two perpetrators when in my mid-teens. Subsequently, and despite an outwardly confident demeanour, I've been surprised to find myself the occasional target of unwanted harrassment in adulthood; it's happened to me twice in the workplace. The reason is that I was a victim in childhood. I wouldn't want to denigrate the term 'survivor,' as this has been beneficial for many former victims in many similar contexts. For me personally, however, it's been unhelpful. Labels tend to stick, aside from which I didn't happen to crawl out of an air-crash by pure chance. I was targeted specifically; a victim of criminal acts. It was not my fault, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it. And extensive treatment for cPTSD has recently brought an understanding that abused people in childhood tend to attract other abusers, and to learn how that cycle can be stopped. The choice element comes in with continued victimhood, and I've made a determined and conscious choice to reject that. I've made a good life for myself with a fulfilling career and family. I feel as you do: what happened to me is not me. Furthermore, it really has nothing to do with me at all; it's about issues belonging to other people and I refuse to internalize these. Ergo, I'm not a survivor. I no longer want or need that association.