To ask how you deal with your teen and bad friendships?

[Beesandsolidarity]

Dd1 has a on off friendship with a girl that is awful. This kid is a complete nightmare and completely toxic and encourages my child (who is very immature and naive for her age) to behave in a wreckless manner. I have seen proof of this.

Every few months or so dd does something completely damn stupid under influence of this kid and school and myself end involved.
She separates from her and I get my lovely dd back but when they fall out this kid is utterly vile to her.
Dd is besotted with this girl. Total hero worships her.

Any other year but year 11 and I would move my child as far away from her as possible. We tried at the end of year ten but couldn't get a place.

I don't want to come down so hard that I drive her towards her but at the same time I want to scream.

Keep talking to your DD and try not to overreact (I know it's hard) when she tells you something startling.
You need to be the voice of reason, to let DD know what is normal and reasonable, but also keep the lines of communication open.

We had this with DD. We would often say that if she walked into a room of 30 people, she would ignore the 29 nice ones and choose the one person with significant issues who would try to lead her astray. She now plans to be a psychologist .

I know this is difficult, but you can't realistically choose her friends for her now, so you need to guide and direct her into making some good choices for herself.

Also encourage other friendships. "Do you think Nice Girl would like to stay over this weekend?" "Would you like me to drop you and Nice Girl at the movies on Saturday night?"

Good luck OP.

Your daughter sounds really quite wet to be honest. Were you an over protective parent?

Not sure whose daughter you are being horrid about Libertarian, mine or the OP's, but please do sod off either way.

My youngest is like this, always picks the vile one. However, at 13 she finally seems to be growing out of it. I would be honest about my opinions of her horrible friends it the past and she would get annoyed with me, as her friends were perfect in her eyes, but I would always point put that she asked me. Vile friends were not allowed in the house. It helps enormously that we live rurally so she can't just waltz out the door to meet them. However, as I said, she seems to be developed some character judgement and is now hanging around with much nicer people. She can even admit they are not perfect! Talking to friends with older children, it seems to be quite a common phase. Does your daughter have a pastoral teacher? I found it helpful to get ours on side and let her know what was going on. They steered my youngest away subtly during school hours and gave her no one to rage against.

@Catastic - it was ops as a matter of fact. My statement still stands.

sorry about all the spelling and grammatical mistakes!

Invite them to tea!! Ime once the toxic friend sees your dc in a place of rules - that they don't /won't abide by- they will start to back off the friendship. And maybe your dd wil feel more assertive /confident in her own environment to see the friend for who /what they are.

Yes @Aprilshowersnowastorm! She sounds like she might be the sort of girl who will lose interest in DD once she realises DD isn't always so easily led.

Thank you.
Yes we have had school and senco and camhs involved (there are some diagnosed needs)

While obviously her needs affect her judgement of people this might sound harsh but she has been given plenty of support from adults and friendship from others when she has been distressed because of how this child had treated her to break free and stay free from the situation but always goes back to it. Usually leaving her supportive and kind friends in the process. She is choosing to be in this situation and there is only so much of that I can blame on her needs.

The other child discusses in messages how I don't approve of their friendship and how I've tried to move my dds school and thinks it is funny.

Your child in in year 11 - so presumably 15/16 years old. She is responsible for her own actions and behaviour. Why are you blaming the friend?

Deal with your own daughters poor behaviour - that is all that you can do. If you daughter knows how to behave appropriately, then she simply cannot be "led astray". If she does not know how to behave appropriately, then you and she need to work on that.

Forget the friend and what the friend does, she is not your problem - only your daughter and her behaviour is.

I agree. Easily lead or not, your dd needs to understand that the only one responsible for her behaviour is her. Hold her responsible for her poor choices (and do everything possible to encourage better friendships/limit opportunities for this friendship).

Your DD is responsible for her choices and behaviour. This girl is obviously a bad influence but your DD's actions belong only to your DD.
Having said that (bluntly!) Go back to basics. Talk to her about the choices she is making & reward her EVERY time she is lovely, caring & behaves well. Rewards being anything from saying to her 'that was so lovely', 'thank you' or cooking her favourite tea. Encourage positive friendships & offer lifts etc. Be busy every time your DD suggests meeting this other girl & tell your DD that it isn't convenient for her to visit you.

I absolutely hold DD responsible for her actions . I have said that above.

Dd does have needs which make the situation difficult , she doesn't understand motives and intentions and doesn't really understand the consequences of her actions before they happen BUT as I've said she has been encouraged and supported and left this friendship many times and repeatedly gone back to her.

The child doesn't come to ours . I won't allow it. I've got DD involved in out of school activities to increase her self esteem and confidence to a point she will hopefully not be desperate for this kids attention but it doesn't work.

The blame I lay on the other child is that she can be utterly vile towards her but also extremely cohersive. There is a lot of if you were really my friend you would do X or I behaved like Y because you made me angry or I behaved like Z because of this situation. Stuff we would view as controlling in an adult relationship.

When DD walked away from her just before the holidays the guilt tripping was horrendous to the point I removed dds phone.

Last year there was a big incident which involved the both of them, DD had her phone removed and was grounded and punished and the other child who had spent weeks and weeks badgering DD into doing something which put DD at risk was just at school laughing and yet still a few weeks later despite the upset she caused she was back to being mates with her.

It does sound hard. Could you forbid out of school communication between them without forcing your dd into outright teenage rebellion? Also, what are your plans for after this year?

I blocked her on social media and on the phone but DD finds ways to re add her. I've even swapped.dds phone to a standard 'brick" mobile before and she just texts her instead.

Hopefully DD will go to college but I'm terrified she's.going to tell this kid and the girl.ks going to apply to the same place for college hence I'm trying to save up to move away.if possible to give DD a fresh start.