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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why awful men get lovely women?

33 replies

MaiaRindell · 25/09/2018 11:45

I work with three horrible men. One is a misogynistic bully and two are complete sleazeballs who try it on with everyone. All three of them have really lovely, loving supportive wives/girlfriends. I am good friends with one of these women. Her husband had an affair with someone in the office when she was pregnant which she knows about. In the end, she stayed with him and now feels sorry for his low self esteem which she thinks led to the affair. She also thinks women see this and take advantage of him. I've tried to gently tell her how he is, but she just blames the women.
The other women are very nice too. Can these men be so different in private? I really am confused.

OP posts:
NameChanger22 · 25/09/2018 11:50

I also know some lovely women who are with horrible men. The reasons include - not wanting to be alone, not being able to leave because of finances and childcare, wanting to stay together for the children, being people pleasers and always seeing the good in everyone, having no confidence or self-esteem and being very naive.

Women in general would rather be with a bad man than be alone, mainly because society tells them this is better, which it isn't of course.

Hideandgo · 25/09/2018 11:53

And lovely men sometimes have awful women. Definitely seen that too.

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 25/09/2018 11:54

I work with some lovely men, but oh my days, they have dreadful partners! Some women are incredibly 'high maintenance ' these days

Works both ways. I wonder why they stay with them too

NameChanger22 · 25/09/2018 11:55

Hideandgo - start your own thread.

MyYoniFromHull · 25/09/2018 11:57

This is for you @Hideandgo victimfocus.wordpress.com/2018/01/03/stop-asking-me-what-about-men/

CrimsonFootstool · 25/09/2018 11:58

The men you describe are abusive. The women you describe are survivers of abuse. Following the links on the relationships board and look at The Freedom Programme and you will understand the nature of these relationships.

Hideandgo · 25/09/2018 11:58

Sorry, should have elaborated. I think it’s human nature when you’re a ‘bad person’ to pick a vulnerable person. Vulnerable because you’re nice. So was just musing that it’s a human thing. Not a bad men, good women thing.

Charlie97 · 25/09/2018 11:59

@Hideandgo I agree!

@NameChanger22 who made you the police if people commenting on this thread?

There is so much man hate on MN it makes reasonable discussion almost impossible!

I know one woman in my office, having an affair whilst getting married, marriage lasted less than a year. The husband was left devastated!

Another was having an affair and the DH found out two weeks before the wedding and cancelled it (thank goodness!)

Good women, bad women, good men, bad men!

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 25/09/2018 11:59

Think there's some truth in that hideandgo

MyYoniFromHull · 25/09/2018 12:00

It's not a human thing

Men have more options to leave than women do

Less likely to be trapped by low paid part time work and the need for childcare to facilitate them working

Not the same issue

BackToTheFuschia7 · 25/09/2018 12:05

Can these men be so different in private?

No, they will be just as awful in private. The women you know are in unhealthy, abusive relationships.

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 25/09/2018 12:05

Yes but those men still pay CMA ( as they should do)... and in some cases struggle to see their own children

It's not all a bed of roses...from either side.

Hideandgo · 25/09/2018 12:09

MyYoni, I’m not arguing that it happens equally to men. Maybe on the whole men are raised to be more likely to walk away at the first sign of being manipulated or mistreated but some are still vulnerable to abuse. The nice ones who are not self assured or assertive but kind. I really didn’t think this was a battle of the sexes thread, more a discussion on why this happens to people and why relationships have these sorts of dynamics.

I’ll bow out if it’s just a men are evil thread. Some certainly are but I’ve nothing to add to that discussion.

MyYoniFromHull · 25/09/2018 12:11

I don't think men are evil
I recognise that as a class they have more freedoms and options than women

Hedgehogblues · 25/09/2018 12:13

Because straight women have a really low bar when it comes to choosing partners

MyYoniFromHull · 25/09/2018 12:15

Yeah it's the women's fault for choosing badly
Not the poor lickle menz fault for being twats

Who says misogyny isn't a thing eh

Kpo58 · 25/09/2018 12:19

Men have more options to leave than women do

That's not entirely true. If they are low paid and want to leave an abusive relationship, their only option can be the streets. There often aren't refuges for men and they won't be entitled to most benefits or help. Is it better for them to leave and live on the streets potentially never being allowed to see their kids again or stay and try to shield their kids from some of the abuse?

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/09/2018 12:24

My theory is that horrible people pick 'nice' people to be with them because they know that an awful type just like them would give them a taste of their own medicine.

There's that phrase. 'pick on someone your own size' isn't there? A nice person is too nice to walk away or tell them where to stick it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/09/2018 12:29

Because there are more nice women than nice men around

Because nice women are often "fixers".

Because even nice men sometimes go a bit off the rails in middle age.

LydiaLunch7 · 25/09/2018 12:31

A lot of women are

a) desperately insecure
b) think that marrying any man is better than being single
c) have no idea what a healthy relationship/good man looks like

AynRandTheObjectivist · 25/09/2018 12:41

A lot of women, lovely and kind as they are, mistake shittiness for dominance and drive. Plus women are conditioned to blame themselves.

Orchiddingme · 25/09/2018 12:47

Ayn I agree with this to some extent. We had an awful leader at work for a few years and absolutely everyone thought him really domineering, not listening, and his wife just perceive this (I know her well) as his very masculine nature, and that people 'misunderstood' him.

Also, chemical attraction and love do overpower our better reason at times, if you don't fancy one of these guys, they are literally repulsive to you, but to their wives, they are often quite attractive which is actually dangerous if their twatishness borders on abusive.

Oblomov18 · 25/09/2018 12:48

I see this. Quite a bit. Not very nice men, lovely wife's.

I just don't get it. I can only assume that women have lower bars/thresholds/expectations, and also that there is statistically a shortage of men?

Dontaskmyname · 25/09/2018 12:53

Works the other way too, a lovely caring guy is together with a selfish b with a wandering eye. Or is it not PC on Mumsnet and women can never do no wrong ;)

RudeZebra · 25/09/2018 12:55

Yeah it's the women's fault for choosing badly. Not the poor lickle menz fault for being twats

Wow! I must have missed the state forcing me into a relationship with a stranger law. When did the memos go out? What age do I need to sign my kids up for this scheme? What's the punishment if I don't?

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