To be jealous of ex MIL and her new DIL relationship?

[IknowIknow99]

Ex was suppose to pick something up from my house, he came in late and it was past midnight now.

He explained something happened whilst he was in the cinema with new GF and his mum.

Ex was very EA towards me, and I also believe he has narcissistic traits. It wasn't a good relationship, and I'm glad I got rid, I try to maintain a good relationship still with him because of DC.

Now I've never had the best relationship with his mum either, she's very cold and doesn't get on with a lot of people. Her son is perfect, and everyones shit.. you get the idea. I'm also glad she's out of my life aswell.

But I couldn't help feel a bit jealous hearing she went to the cinema with new GF and her son? I never went anywhere with her, or did anything with her. I always wanted that, and tried to have it. I had a great relationship with a former boyfriends mother, and I always hoped I could recreate that with now ex MIL.

Am i just grieving for what could have been? Just needed to get that out.

You did the right thing getting out of an abusive and toxic relationship, that is the main thing. You never know, his new GF might be like her or have similar traits. Feel sorry for her, not envious.

I think you have to let it go. If she isn't a nice person then you wouldn't really want to spend more time with her surely?

Mil more involved in the gf's life is less time to meddle in yours!

It's someone else's problem now. I bet the new gf didn't actually want to be accompanied by mil on a date to the cinema with her new bf! Three's a crowd! Cuckoo in the nest. Congratulations, you've dodged a bullet there!

That's your ex painting a rosy picture of idyllic life. Given what you know about him and what you've been through do you really think the new girlfriend is being welcomed with open arms by a friendly mil?

Nah you had a lucky escape.

You don't know why she's there though. Maybe she invited herself and the gf couldn't say no. Or your ex insisted she came and the gf is being ignored (as I had to put up with exh on many occasions).

I'd just be glad you're out of it.

She's a new GF, maybe exMIL hasn't shown her true colours yet! But seriously, try not to let it bother you. I have this with my MIL: she shows very little interest in me, my DH or our DC, and yet any new partner of BIL's and she's all over them. I just remind myself that they are now the ones having to put up with her.

Don't worry if she's really as bad as you say it'll all end in tears anyway.

My Mil was the same, and although we did do things together, it was always on her terms. And I suspect this new GF will probably get tired of having to pander to her.

Am i just grieving for what could have been?

Absolutely. You're grieving for what could of been in your marriage as well as with your MIL. You're grieving for the happiness you deserved, that they deliberately withheld.

The good news is that grieving means you're working away from them, and away from their hold on you. Keep going, allow yourself a little wallow in sadness then remind yourself of how terribly unhappy they made you.

Just wait and watch.

He's still playing you isn't he? Or trying to. Turning up late, dropping hints about new GF and his mother's cosy relationship.......smile and nod, smile and nod. You have moved on, and it's bugging him, that's his problem, not yours.

I think narcissists have a way of pulling you in. I only once dealt with one in my life (not in a relationship) fortunately and it took so long to let the whole thing go. You'll be able to eventually but you're bound to have thing nagging thoughts for a while. Try to ignore as much as possible.

He's still playing you isn't he? Or trying to. Turning up late, dropping hints about new GF and his mother's cosy relationship.......smile and nod, smile and nod. You have moved on, and it's bugging him, that's his problem, not yours.

Exactly. He didn't have to tell me about the cinema, but I had to know he went there with his mum and new gf. I'm an idiot and fall for it every time.

So many times he's told me things, and I'm like what are you telling me this?

Maybe exMIL had time to reflect and decided to try harder this time around.

Going to the cinema with a DP/BF and his somewhat difficult mother would be my idea of awkward as hell. At the very minimum.
Who sits next to who? (whom?) BF in middle with his two females either side or MIL in the middle with her two acolytes around her?
Doesn't feel like an enjoyable, relaxed outing.....Nah, I'd be out.

Well done for steering clear.

He's just trying to yank your chain.

They probably went to see an art-house showing of "Mommie Dearest".

Anyway who turns up after midnight at an ex's house? An arsehole that's who!

I'd be putting the latch on the door too, OP.
Did he just wander in your home at midnight?
You definitely had a lucky escape, keep him at arms length and if it doesn't affect the dc just ignore him or stonewall him.

Ex is still emotionally manipulating you. Keeping you on a string, waiting in for him, turning up late etc.

Shut him down. Only text essential communications about DC. Keep a cheap separate phone for that if necessary so he can’t keep popping up when you are otherwise engaged. If he is at the door to pick them up, focus on them and just say a civil hello and goodbye to him. If necessary have a friend or relation there so you can cut off his attempts to engage you with a polite ‘I have to go, I have company/somewhere to be/ a cake in the oven, any excuse to get away. Don’t get sucked any further into his power games.

@Idontbelieveinthemoon is right - it is normal to grieve for the relationship you could have had with your ex and his mother, if they had been decent people - and the fact that you are going through this process is a good thing, because it is a big step on the road to healing.

I think that you will find that, as time goes by, and the healing process continues, you will be able to be unaffected by the BS your ex is dealing out - and I think previous posters are right, it probably is BS - exaggerated at best, and downright lies at worst. He wants you to be upset by what he is telling you - but I think you'll find he loses the power to upset you as time goes by - and that will be your triumph over him.

I'd bet my house on it that it wasn't this lovely family night out that you're picturing. He wants you to believe that's how it is. My exH is exactly the same, even now 9 years later!

If he is narcissistic he may like to play little mind games with you.

Basically a leopard doesn't change its spots. If they were unkind and cruel to you, they will certainly move on to someone else, but they sometimes need to lower people's defenses first. That behaviour doesn't just disappear when the target leaves. Poor GF is what you should be thinking.

A similar thing happened to me with my N MIL and for years I was racking my head why I was treated so differently to other inlaws even though I was bending over backwards to befriend her. Then one day it was BINGO! After talking to my SIL we came to the conclusion it was because the others were assertive and confident, I was coming across as too eager to please - she didn't need to charm me. I had no defenses to break down.

Were you always playing it 'nice' and turning a blind eye to bad behaviour as not to make a fuss? Maybe she didn't need to be friends with you because she got her own way from the get-go? Just a guess OP I may be wrong. Best revenge is having a happy life OP xx

Yep he is still playing you. Why did you wait up?

Even if it’s true and mil went to the pictures with them, she will soon show her true colours

Fuck em all!

I think you’ve had some great responses here OP.

I’m currently trying to get over my split from narcissistic stbxh & this all rings very true to me too.

Dis-engage & don’t listen to the bullshit.

who goes to the cinema with their partner AND their mum?

honestly think you're well out of that situation!

next time he's coming to pick something up, lock door, lights off when you want to go to bed. tough luck if he has to come back again another time.

Then one day it was BINGO! After talking to my SIL we came to the conclusion it was because the others were assertive and confident, I was coming across as too eager to please - she didn't need to charm me. I had no defenses to break down.

This. I bent over backwards so many times, just to please her. I loved him, I had kids with him, of course I wanted to get on with his mother. I wanted us all to be a big family, that's just how I am. But I should have realised instead of trying and trying again to please her, I should just have given her the finger the moment she disrespected me, and never tried to get on with her again.

I will never try to please someone, or try to get along with someone when I know it's not possible. Just accept it for what it is.

I believe he told me they went to the cinema together, to make it look like they're besties. Because he knew I never got on with his mother, and it has always bothered me.

I don't think his mother invited herself to the cinema with them, he spends a lot of time with his mum. I just think he was with his mum already, and he just invited the new gf along. That's just my guess.