AIBU?

[Desperateandconfused]

I’m seriously depressed and am so overwhelmed that I just really want to run away. This is going to sound horrible but I regret getting married and I regret having kids. If I could go back in time I’d not have done either. I used to have the energy but I just don’t anymore. I do have the love in me anymore and I just feel empty. I’m considering leaving my husband. The past few years have been really hard on us. He was made redundant and wasn’t able to find any jobs in his usual field (he worked in a very specific job role and that role has been made completely redundant) and works about 19 hours a day just to cover our rent and bills and repayments which are all in collection. He only sleeps 4 hours a night. We fight all the time. My health has gotten really bad - I think it’s just the stress. I feel like I can’t even function and honestly I am desperate. Neither of us has any family, I’m an orphan and his are living abroad and very poor. We have no friends since we moved here after he lost his job. My life is in tatters. A few years ago were totally different, I never thought this would happen to us. What do I do? I’m even considering giving up custody of my kids to my husband and leaving. I think darker thoughts sometimes about taking myself out of the picture entirely and the thoughts are becoming more frequent. I saw a counsellor and she did some stuff with me like CBT but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t make all these problems go away. Please tell me I’m not alone and that it’s possible to climb out of this hole.

I think your first sentence sums up your problem. Have you been to your gp? If not, that would be my advice. Depression is really hard but can be treated. I’d not make any other decision about your marriage and children until it was under some sort of control.

Thanks Kolo, I do have depression and am on medication. I’ve actually tried a few different medications. The only one that helped was (can’t remember the name sorry) which zonked me out like a zombie but I can’t look after my kids in that state. I have tried so many things, I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Bless you, it sounds really tough. But don't think about big decisions at the moment. Just get through today.
How old are the children?
Do you work?
Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to?
What are you up to today?

I’m not working but just signed up to a job agency to find work. I’m not on any benefits because I figure I can get work sooner and here in Australia it takes around 3-6 months to start getting benefits. My kids are 9 and 5 and today I’m on the couch, I have hardly moved all day except to make meals for my kids who’ve spent the day watching TV (school holidays). I don’t even drive so getting out is hard, I should have gotten my drivers licence years ago. It was a really stupid move to delay it.

Sounds like you are in a bad place at the moment , but usually if you work at it rather than ponder you can turn it around .

Go and see your GP and see if you can have help ,

see what you could do to help your poor husband working 19 hours a day isn't any fun for him , I'm sure I'm going to be slated for saying it but I really think you should try and get a job as laying on the sofa isn't going to make you feel any better at best it's going to make you feel nothing and worse it's going to make you feel shit that you've wasted another day yet again , getting out the house to bring in some money will help your self esteem.

Can you look into getting your driving licence ?

Can you take the kids for a walk ? to the park ? Play outside with with them ? Fresh air and a bit of activity may help you feel a bit more positive and be great for them .

Sorry it's a bit of hard love but you have started on the right track by acknowledging there's a problem , next step is doing a tiny step towards working on it

I don't know the Australian system, so probably can't offer much practical help. But is it worth getting the ball rolling to apply for benefits while you job hunt? You can cancel the application if you find work.

It doesn't matter if you've had a couch/tv day. Is there anywhere local you could go just for a change of air? A park maybe?
Can you invite any friends of the kids round for tomorrow?
Any free activities organised for the holidays?

You aren't alone and you can climb out of this hole. I'm not saying you won't still regret things, but you can learn to move past your regrets and enjoy what you have. It is hard though.

I’m pleased to hear you’re getting some treatment. Do you think you need something more at the moment? I’m not sure anyone here can give you the proper help you need. Can you go back to the GP and explain how you’re feeling?

Again I’d say don’t make any decisions that affect your family and life right now, because you’re possibly not in the right place to be making those decisions. I don’t know enough about depression, sorry. I’d also add that you need to be kind to yourself. None of it is your fault and you will come out of this.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. I’ll make another appointment with the GP tomorrow and see what else they can give me. I will be finding work too, I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon with the job agency. I think that will help too

As for getting out of the house, there are no parks near me. I live in a pretty crazy area, it’s one big shop and then nothing for ages. But we’re planning on moving if we can save some money.

Do you think it might be better to learn to drive rather than move? It'll give you more working options, freedom to take the kids out, freedom to take yourself out!
Does your DH work 7 days? Any chance he could take you out for a 30 min lesson when he's next off?
How's he doing? He must be exhausted and vulnerable to depression or stress related illness himself.
None of this is anyone's fault. I hope your GP can offer you some help and maybe signpost you to practical/financial help too.

By the way, your first post sounded so very desperate. But your later posts have tinges of positivity in them, which is fabulous! Going to the GP and Job Agency tomorrow is a great step.

He tells me he’s fine but I know he’s not and we fight a lot lately. He has friends who he sees which helps him though, he catches up with them on weekends. I feel like a burden on him because he’s all I have. I find it really hard to socialise and am generally awkward.

Any chance your husband worked in an industry that no longer exists in Australia (automotive)? If so, there are programs available to workers and their families to get help with dealing with redundancy, counseling etc.

In regards to benefits, if your husband is only working 19 hours a week, then he may be entitled to some benefits, unless he received a large redundancy in which case he likely precluded from claiming for at least two or three years. You may also be entitled to unemployment payments too, as well as FTB for the children. Get online and have a look to see what is available. If you do qualify for benefits then you will get a concession card which will reduce the costs of different things. Even if you are only entitled to claim a small amount, it might help reduce the financial pressure in the home. It also is a lot quicker to claim than 3 months too.

I’m glad you are seeing your GP, however if you are rundown get full bloods done just to ensure there is nothing else making you feel this way.

Good luck.