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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Keeping ds off school.

21 replies

CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 07:59

Sorry no paragraphs makes this hard to read! I don’t know what to do. He’s 11, there was an incident yesterday in which he arrived at school for a school trip, 2 minutes before the bell as we were running late. After I drove away some older children lied and told him the buses were leaving from a different school (15 minute walk away) - he believed them and ran all the way there. When he got there there were no buses and he didn’t know what to do. He found a parent and asked her for help, at this point he was crying, out of breath and completely panicked. I’ve spoken to the kind Mum who helped him find the office, she has said he was beside himself. The schools are interlinked so thankfully the offices could communicate and were able to take him to the correct school just in time. He normally wouldn’t be confused but there have been some serious issues within the school (Very outing if you live nearby!) which means he’s changed school location (along with his classmates) a couple of times in the last month, often last minute changes and there’s been lots of confusion on who goes where. They are due to move to ANOTHER temporary school today. He’s been very upset since coming home from the trip, he got a huge fright yesterday and is a sensitive boy. His teachers were unaware of what had happened until I messaged last night. So he’s upset this morning saying he doesn’t want to go in, feels sick thinking about yesterday, doesn’t want another new building etc. Do I just give him today to calm down and say he must go tomorrow, or force him in (likely in tears) today? My gut is saying keep him off, but then what changes tomorrow?

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TeenTimesTwo · 25/09/2018 08:03

I would send him in (probably) but go with him to the school office and ask for a pastoral care person to meet you. (Ring in advance requesting this). But that is based on how our school would manage things.

crimsonlake · 25/09/2018 08:04

He has to go in as hard as it is. As you say keeping him off resolves nothing. Try and make light of it even though it was a horrible experience, tell him it is character building. Perhaps see if you can get him in to another school.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 25/09/2018 08:06

I also think take him in- best just get it done as he may spend all day building it up in his mind and fretting-but do go with him and ensure he has support!!

Glumglowworm · 25/09/2018 08:07

As tempting as it is to keep him off, his anxiety will only be worse tomorrow (what if I missed an update while I was off etc) so I would send him in today and get it over with

Merryoldgoat · 25/09/2018 08:08

I’m sure many will disagree but I’d keep him off. He certainly will need to work on his resilience but it sounds like he’s had a tough time and a day at home to work through his feelings.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 25/09/2018 08:10

Go in or it will snowball. Poor lad though.

CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 08:10

Thanks all, I’ve told him he has to go in but he’s refusing to get dressed or off couch Shock , this isn’t like him at all. I’ve told him it will be worse tomorrow as today all his friends are in the same boat. He’s saying he should stay off as he feels so sick. I did considering moving him permanently but he doesn’t want to be separated from his friends. I don’t know what else to say to get him in, not wanting to issue punishments when he feels so rubbish about it, but I think he’ll be fine once there.

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Canadalife · 25/09/2018 08:11

Please send him in. Otherwise his anxiety may increase when he is at home. Worry takes on a life of its own. Encourage him in and get him some support in school. Staying at home will not help in the long term.

Topseyt · 25/09/2018 08:12

Keeping him off resolves nothing. Take him in and don't leave before you have managed to have words with his form tutor or head of year. Does he know the names of those who sent him to the wrong school? Tell them those names.

CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 08:13

Ok I’ve caved and done some awful parenting, I’ve told him he can have fortnite vbucks for going in, as he’ll see it’ll be fine. He’s agreed....

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Canadalife · 25/09/2018 08:13

Just read up date...you may have to be firm.

Gazelda · 25/09/2018 08:14

So he's only been at secondary school for less than a month? Poor kid, that was a cruel trick to play.
But he has to go in. Can you call the school and arrange to meet someone there, teacher, head of year, pastoral lead or whatever? Tell them what happened, ask for reassurance about other moves likely to happen and better comms between school and parents, will this reassure him that you're dealing with it and the school will help to ensure he has a better time while the upheaval is going on?

Dragongirl10 · 25/09/2018 08:15

Op really he must go to school, or else you are giving a message that if anything crap happens we just sit around crying!! I would TELL him he IS going to school. He will be fine and l would go in with him as others have said. He doesnt get to decide, he is a child.

TeenTimesTwo · 25/09/2018 08:15

That's fine. Nothing like an occasional bribe/reward to get over bumps.

Canadalife · 25/09/2018 08:16

Well done...getting him in is the important thing. As long as you don’t always use bribes. We all do it occasionally. Interesting that he can be bribed...it means that what ever happen and however it affected him can be faced if the reward is big enough.

CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 08:17

He doesn’t know the name of the boys in question as he’d only been in the school with them for a week, and they are in different years to him. He’s actually joining up with a current school today so new staff (apart from him class teacher) and lots of new children. This could be until Christmas when new school is re-opened. It’s been a nightmare I so feel for all the children. My daughter is 9 and her year have been moved to a separate school.

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CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 08:19

It’s complicated as he is still at primary school but they merged with a secondary. Today is just a primary school though. I’m going in with him and have spoken to his teacher. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Thanks everyone I really think I would have just kept him off if I hadn’t posted here!

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Oblomov18 · 25/09/2018 08:22

Blimey. What a mess. Tutor or HoY does need to know though. Have you spoken to them?

littlemisssunshine81 · 25/09/2018 08:23

I think that if a little bribery cheers him up enough to go in and helps him to push through this then why the hell not. That is far from awful parenting. Poor lad sounds like he’s having a tough time and i can 100% understand you wanting to let him have a day to stay off but he probably will be fine once he sees his mates, rather than being away from everyone and imagining the worst.

TwoOddSocks · 25/09/2018 09:18

Bloody hell what an absolute mess. Poor DS I'm not surprised he got confused. I would definitely want to speak to HoY and discuss how they can make all of this easier for the kids. I'm fairly shocked it's all been handled this badly (obviously that isn't the teacher's fault). I don't think the bribery is the worst thing in the world in this situation.

CheeseOnToast123 · 25/09/2018 09:19

No head of year or tutor (Scottish primary different maybe?) only teacher and head (who is now covering pupils in 3 schools Hmm). He’s went in and seemed ok once he found his friends. His auntie works as pupil support and has said she’d pop in on him.

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