to ask if any men can give me their experience of the birth of their children?

[MissHWKerr]

Posted this elsewhere but don't think I'm going to get many responses as I'm sure not many men are on the pregnancy/childbirth topics.

DP is terrified about me going in to labour. He's worried he won't be able to support me and scared that something terrible will happen. His twin was born stillborn and I think it's been difficult for him to relax during my pregnancy because of this worry in the back of his head.

Any men on here who can offer me and my DP their positive experiences of childbirth from a male perspective?

Of course responses from women more than welcome! Just looking to hear a few positive birth experiences from a man's point of view. Childbirth is scary for us ladies but also want my DP to feel comfortable and not be constantly worried about stillbirth.

Has you gone to any antenatal classes? They may help calm him down if he has some idea of what to expect, my oh flat out refused but was still useful (I think my do as I say or die stare helped lol) if you listen to my dp version of events you'd be convinced it was him that was giving birth!

@bershetmelon the midwife sat down with us for an hour and talked through everything. We aren't going to a birth class as he's freaked out by the whole thing. He's just absolutely terrified of something happening to me or the baby.

As for your DP - that's funny! Bet it does your head in

Tbh I think his fear is understandable given the circumstances, but you are not the best person to discuss it with. Does he have anyone he can talk to? The loss of a twin at birth is very significant, maybe he needs some counselling/ help to deal with some of his feelings and stress?

@MrsTeacake I agree he needs to talk to someone who is not me. I have tried to get him to seek counselling (gently) but he's not come round to the idea. The midwife really helped and the appointment was more for him than me (it was her idea and she was bloody amazing) but it doesn't seem to have eased his fears. He said he feels like he needs to hear some positive experiences from other men (but suspect he's too proud to ask his mates! He finds the whole thins embarrassing and nobody knows about the loss of his twin).

He's actually thought about joining mn himself but is embarrassed!

My DP delivered our baby at home with nobody else there. All went smoothly and he was amazing! He's not scared of anything though. Probably not helpful

How awful for your DP. Hopefully this might help. My DH felt very anxious when I was pregnant / worried he won’t be able to support me etc. I tried to reassure him that just being there (back rubs and using his hand as a stress ball) is the only support I needed from him. The more complicated things (if any) were for the professionals. The midwife was fab and was talking to him lots (in between me having contractions) When I asked him after the birth if it was as scary as he thought it would be he said he didn’t really have the time to feel scared or anxious as his instincts just kicked in to get me to the hospital. He was brilliant as I’m sure your DP will be

@bottleofredplease fantastic. Go your DP!

My partner stayed with me, rubbed my back and talked to me the whole time to put me at ease. He held my hand and the gas and air thing and when I was getting an epidural. He was a massive help, even just standing there because he was with me. He said he was scared but he was focused on baby and me so it went quickly and he didn’t have time to dwell on things. He cut the cord too which he loved.

It was a long time ago (youngest is nearly 27) so probably not relevant. All 3 were CS so not much for me to do really for the second 2 but due to the circumstances of the first there was a bit of anxiety.

Son number 1 was an emergency section after 24 hours of induced labour. Only problem was that the epidural didn't work so when the doctor cut in my wife screamed and I was hurridly ushered out of the OT to watch from the outside. It was worrying but the staff know what they're doing so by the time sons 2 and 3 arrived I was quite chilled.

The big thing for your husband is to realise that if things do go wrong you're in the right place with the right people. It's easy to say don't worry but he quite rightly will. just has to learn to trust.

DH didn't want to attend. I didn't make him. Is that a possible solution?

I was at the birth of my two kids. First one I was 23 and didn't have a bloody clue what was happening, it was kinda overwhelming. Mum knew as little or perhaps less than me, she was 18 at the time! She spent the birth hooked up to the monitoring equipment, but the birth was fairly straightforward in the end. The 2nd stage was very short, she was only pushing for a few minutes! 1st stage was about 24 hours. I cut the cord and it squirted me with blood.

The second time around I was 27, we both knew what to expect and it was a much more relaxed affair. It took about 5 hrs from start to finish, and she managed it with no pain relief at all. The waters broke over my brand new shoes as she did most of the labour standing up. Baby came out with a really long umbilical cord, it had a knot in it! I cut the cord and this time I did it at arms length to avoid getting squirted with blood.

Im sorry for your DP loss and that must have Ben traumatic. My dp has four children one with me and three from his previous relationship . He was present at all three. He totally gets that births can be terrifying. He never told me but he was freaked out during my dleivery as baby was in distress and was taken away imediatly for checks which wasn't his normal expirence from his other three children, he never said a word to me though and just assured me everything was fine in the room. I think in the momment he will be fine and the odds of anything going wrong are low - it's riskier driving to the hospital! I think there is counselling or some.such he could acess pre birth. I think my friend and her husband had this as her first birth was very traumatic.

I took my DH along to hypnobirthing classes as antenatal preparation. Can't recommend it enough. They talked about the process of giving birth and what to expect, and a large part of the course was preparation for birth partners.

First two held DW hand as she gave birth and generally ran around doing whatever she wanted to make things as 'easy' as possible - talk to nurse, get ice, etc. Third one we started telling jokes and DW was laughing so hard the Dr had to tell her to stop as she was pushing DS out and they weren't ready to catch yet! DS came out waving his hand and all were laughing - Dr said that was a first!

I used Hypnobirthing, and my DP came along to the classes so he did all the exercises along with me. It is fantastic for helping to demystify what actually happens during childbirth, and for managing stress and anxiety about it. DP was brilliant during the birth- I was so deeply relaxed the midwives couldnt really tell what was happening, but he was able to let them know when I was having a contraction, and he gave me lots of lovely light-touch massage. He said that doing the Hypnobirthing classes meant he felt he had something useful to do and he wasnt just standing around worrying.

I can see why he doesn't want to talk about it but I think this is a case of the more you know, the better it will be. The loss of control and the not knowing what's going to happen next is a bit stressful. My husband found the first time a lot more stressful than the second, partly because it was a worse birth and partly because he just knew what was going on. He was really good at advocating for me - saying that I needed some pain relief now and he wasn't going to take me home until someone listened. It really helped

My H went home during one of my labours because he had a sore throat and "I didn't understand the pain he was in". He's probably not the best person to ask. Seriously I think lots of men have these concerns - your midwife is likely to be able to help. You don't really want to have to worry about your partner (and I'm sure it will be fine when it comes down to it).

I remember my OH telling me, after I had given birth for the second time and we planned no more, that he had felt quite scared both times. He's a very laid back person normally so I think firstly it's important for your DP to know that it's normal to feel scared that something could go wrong. Men are often not good at admitting their fears but if they did I think your DP would see that his feelings are very common. It's equally as important for him to know that most births result in a healthy mum and baby. Let him know that you have no expectation of him, that you simply want him to be there and that by being there he will be supporting you. I remember my OH was very good at asking what was happening and making sure I was listened to and that was what I needed. I remember my partner saying he wished he could have swapped with me as he found it distressing to see me in pain. I think it's important to recognise that partners, although not in physical pain, can find the birth difficult in other ways. I think your DP will be just fine, he's obviously very caring to feel so worried and I think that's the main thing he needs to be in order to support to you giving birth. Good luck.

Have you got a second birth partner? If not, might this be an option for back up for your DH? Sometimes, having another trusted person there can take the pressure off, as he won’t see himself as your only source of support. Plus, he’ll be able to take some time out if need be, knowing you’ve still got someone with you.

I think we've to remember even though we go through this painful, traumatic experience, the person that loves us so much, has to sit and watch us go through extreme pain and they can't do anything about it. I think talking to him about his worries, or getting someone else too, like another male who has gone through it might help him.

Have you thought of getting a doula? They are wonderful at supporting partners as well as mums, reducing everyone's anxiety.