Advice on new family routine...?

[YorkshireMa]

So 4 weeks ago we welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world... since she has been born our lives have been on hold for “visiting” now this has died down a little I am wanting to keep weekday evenings free to have family time after my partner has been working all day & get our daughter into some sort of a bedtime routine, bath & relaxed ready for bed.. not waiting around for visitors :-( is this too much to ask??!! I feel this is going to offend my partners family as they expect to see her a few times a week and when they do they are also waking our baby up from sleep for cuddles even after I have asked them not to which is really upsetting me, what are your views on this?? Does anyone else let people wake there babies just for there own selfish reasons to need cuddles?? This is driving me insane and I feel we are never going to get our life together it’s like we have had our baby for everyone else and we are not enjoying to ourselves her what so ever :-( my partner is scared of upsetting his mum & dad so this is causing us to row and just finding this so draining, has anyone else been in this situation and how do I address it?

Don’t let anyone wake her, that is crazy.

My advice would be don’t set any regular pattern with regards to family and visits because you will eventually be expected to stick to it until your baby is 18!

Maybe you can set aside a block of time for visitors each week, maybe a half a day at the weekend and half a day in the week.

Don’t be afraid to say that you need to get on or are going out and have an ‘excuse’ ready in your head for if they ask to come round and it’s not convenient eg. ‘That would be great but it’s baby group that morning’.

Also can you meet people out for coffee or go to their houses it really reduces your work.

Congratulations on your new addition. We are at the almost 5 months stage and it’s wonderful.

You're completely right to keep a routine, letting people wake her for cuddles is ridiculous. She's a newborn and she needs her sleep.

Your partner needs to start standing up for you and your baby.

That's crazy. Did they used to pop over a few times a week? Sounds extreme that they are crowding you like this.

And, no, no one was allowed to wake my DD up. Ever.

Agree with "just go out" and I wouldn't be kept to a timetable!

Do you mean they actually make a point of waking her, or do you mean by picking her up when she's asleep, they're waking her?

I would ask them absolutely not to pick her up when she's asleep and to stick to whatever routine you're trying (albeit at 4 wks, that's way too early I'd say for any kind of formal routine). But if you mean bathing her, trying to feed her, put her down - just do that regardless of whether you have visitors. Say you're taking her for a bath etc, let your H entertain them / tell them it's a bit manic at the moment, you need a rest / family time after 7pm or whatever.

In relation to the bigger picture - don't alienate them at the start, it's wonderful to have grandparents involved (usually) and you'll be glad of their help in years to come.

You need to stop this now! When I'm not sure of stuff like this I think if I'd like it as an adult. If another adult woke me for cuddles in the night they would get a bollocking. You don't need to be nasty about it but just tell them you are getting her into a routine so please don't wake the baby.

Waking a sleeping baby is a shooting offence and nobody needs to see a baby that often.

Start as you mean to go on and practice, ‘sorry it’s not convenient. See you at the weekend maybe.’

God, no, tell them to come for lunch or a cup of tea on the weekends. Weekdays are really busy. By the time my dh gets home from work, showered and we have dinner, it’s 7pm. No way there’s time for visitors. Even weekends are busy, but we can squeeze people in for lunch or tea or meeting up for a walk. If you are close with them, offer to bring baby during the week for lunch or a coffee date. Its not even about maintaining a routine, it’s just that having a small baby is exhausting. You need to eat and go to bed and not be up late entertaining people.

Hopefully it will die down soon OP. It's natural for GPS to want to see the new baby but you will have to start saying no if it's not convenient.

Maybe give them a time and date during the week that suits you and tell them that you can only do that time as you're busy otherwise.

Oh and as for waking your baby you must step in and tell them not to. Be ready for it happening and say they can hold her when she wakes up or after she's been fed.

DIL was always happy for me to hold my GC when she was asleep but I always said I would wait as it felt bad disturbing her.

I can't believe they're waking your baby up. YADNBU to want your evenings to yourself.

OP - I really feel for you. (I myself have incredibly overbearing in laws.)

I suggest you start as you mean to go on and set boundaries you are comfortable with now.

Your baby is only 4 weeks old and shouldn’t be woken up from sleep (unless HV has you in a strict feeding routine).

I know all too well how awkward it can be - you want what’s right by your baby, yourself and your husband. On the flip side, you don’t want to offend your in laws. Try to remember that they are the ones bringing unrealistic expectations to the table l - if they seem put out by your reasonable boundaries then it is their own fault for having ridiculous expectations in the first place.

I also found sending a picture via text a few times a week helped ease their ‘disappointment’ at not visiting every other day. Good luck!

Thankyou, this has helped me gather some thoughts and I need to start as we mean to go on... we cannot spend every weekend visiting family giving them there baby fix just to keep them happy, we would be miserable as a family! As for waking my baby just to pick her up, cuddle & admire her I need to man up and just be upfront and tell them no I will let you know how we get on with this.. I know it’s way too early to do a strict routine but at the moment we have no time to ourselves to even bath our daughter and get her settled for the night it can sometimes be 9pm when people have left! Nevermind eve attempting to cook our evening meal :-( !! It has totally taken the shine off our little girl and enjoying any sort of family time so I’m going to put my foot down now and even try and speak to MIL myself if it carries on.

Nope nope and nope to waking a sleeping baby. I used to tell them that if they woke the baby they were dead, I think they thought I was joking but either way they got the message. Keep your evenings to yourself and carve out time at the weekend for visits.

I always preferred going to them to visit. I could leave when I liked whereas getting rid from your own house is harder!

DS is now 5 months and needs to be in a routine or it messes his sleep up. I've been pretty firm about it because it's not them that's left with an overtired cranky baby all night! You need to explain why you don't want them around during the week a lot of people tend to forget what it's like in those first few months where you're exhausted and trying to set out routines etc. be polite but firm.

Good luck!

Just talk to them, I'm sure they'll understand.
Now the baby is older we want to get her in a routine of going to bed at 7 so you won't be able to see her after then.
I don't see how any one can argue with that.

You would be surprised! Haha... the water works will easily start from MIL and guilt tripping my partner :-(

OP are you me? Lol.

My DS is now nearly 6 months. He is the first GC for both sides. God I felt so overwhelmed. MIL has been extremely overbearing and intense. It has caused majors problems between myself and my husband as I feel he should speak up more and set some boundaries in place.

I have tried to be polite and firm but she doesn't seem to listen to anything coming from me. I asked her not to wake the baby one evening and she pushed past me and proceeded to poke him I'll spare you all the other crap she has done.

It has calmed down somewhat as I make sure I leave the house most days now for baby groups.

Look after yourself. Make sure you're eating etc. I ended up very unwell and I know it sounds so dramatic but I think the situation with MIL contributed to it. I was so thin from not eating properly and developed mastitis then a nasty breast abscess. MIL delighted when I had to stop breastfeeding it was all a very low point for me and I spent weeks crying every day.

It has been enough to put me off having another baby. Plus things aren't great between me and my husband. I feel so resentful that he couldn't set some gently boundaries with her.

I’d put down some boundaries now or you will end up with them just popping round whenever they feel like it in future. I would never let anyone wake my sleeping baby, mainly because he was a nightmare to get to sleep and if he was woken up he would get overtired and screamy. I get that they are excited about a new grandchild but she isn’t there to entertain them. It sounds like these visits are for their benefit and it’s at the expense of you and your daughters comfort and happiness.

Awww it sounds like you’ve had a horrible time but this sounds exactly like our life! My partner is scared of offending them because he just prefers an easy life and they can be so difficult!! Not to mention that I think I’m doing quite well allowing them to even see her this much considering they booked a last minute holiday on my due date and missed her arrival now they just want to push that anger all to one side and it’s like we wasn’t allowed to be angry so I have all of this stress still lingering over which I cannot properly get over just yet I found it so hurtful that they did that and couldn’t understand that it was wrong!

If people are visiting around dinner time then they need to accept that there will be general dinner making activities going on. In our house, you get treated as a guest the first time then you know where the tea etc is kept after that. Can you invest in a sling for a little while so your DD can sleep on you while they visit and avoid the cuddles until she weakens by herself?

*wakens, not weakens

That is also a good idea I didn’t think of a sling!!

Oh and my DH was a bit avoidant of speaking to his parents about the amount of baby clothes his mum kept buying (we hadn't even had a chance to buy anything we really liked cos there was so much) until I sat on the couch one night sobbing while surrounded by a mountain of them I was trying to sort into sizes.