Please tell me what to do - be my god!

[NotLivingADream]

I've NC because its identifying.

I've spent my whole life moving around. Its been like a compulsion. I've changed cities and countries, sometimes frenetically. Everyone around me has always rolled their eyes and couldn't understand it. Now in my 30s I understand whats happening.

I'm a successful self employed graphic designer. But what I really want to do is make art.

I always find reasons not to. I procrastinate. I start and then dont finish. I think the moving has always been a distraction.

Now I live in a town with my partner. I'm throwing away huge sums of money on rent. I earn much more than him so I pay more.

I want to buy a house. My partner and my parents are telling me to get as big a mortgage as possible and buy somewhere lovely. But Ive always been happy with quite minimalist set ups. I think the happiest I ever was was when I lived in a god awful bedsit in Brighton.

What I want to do is buy a cheap old house (I do know there will be unforeseen expenses with that) that would allow me to be mortgage free in 5 years. I dont want to have a huge mortgage and have to continue raking in the money to pay for this millstone. I want to move towards being true to myself and figuring out how to give this art thing a real go of it - even if I fail in a "success" sense.

My question is - what should i do?

And also - my partner wants us to buy together but because he earns so much less and has a poor credit rating, and because he has higher "tastes" than me, amd because he has his eye on buying his sisters out of his parents house when his Mum dies, I kind of feel like I should just get my own house, in line with what I want and need.

Can anyone help me see sense?

Do it for you. Buy what you want. Dont buy with him at all. He is piggy backing.

OK.

Don't buy your families dream house. It will never be the house you want.

How will the new house enable you to do your art more?

How long have you been with DP?

Do you think it's a long term relationship Re big commitments

Yes do that. Buy your own house in an area you would love and do it up over time. If you are using your money go as big or small as you like.

I'd tell Partner that as he hopes to buy his sister out one day, you'll get this mortgage in your name and he can pay half all food and bills and something towards the rent. I don't think it should be half if he's getting no stake or choice in it. He can then save for a mortgage on the other house.

@SleepingStandingUp
Exactly, I was going to tell him to pay zero rent, just half the bills.

I've been with him for 3 years, and its serious, we've discussed kids further down the line.

How about you tell us an area and a price and we find something for you

Don't buy a house with your partner - it didn't sound like he has his shit sorted out. Get your own place - but don't, for God's sake, buy a project that needs a lot of work or you'll use that as an excuse not to make art as well.

To be honest, the whole wanting to buy a house before you can get started sounds like a procrastination technique in itself... but if you're paying a lot of rent and could be mortgage-free in a few years then it's worth doing anyway, just for that security. Why not get started with that and make a commitment to yourself to start making art NOW, rather than in some mythical future when you're more settled.

I understand that living to do something creative and constantly putting it off - for me it's to do with perfectionism so I find that deciding to do one bad piece of work a day can really take the pressure off. So for me that would be saying right, I'm going to write an absolutely terrible story now. That way I can just get on with it!

Also, this idea that all the moving around etc is to do with your art sounds like a bit of a rationalisation to me, don't discount that it could be for another reason altogether! I'm also in my 30s, could never stay in one job/country for long. It wasn't until I went into therapy (for a seemingly totally unrelated issue) that I started to unpick some of the reasons for my behaviour, which was something of a revelation! I'm not saying you need therapy, at all, this was really just to say, don't blame your suppressed creative urges for everything! That's a lot of weight to put on your art and it won't help you get on and actually start making it.

@Steamedtreaclesponge
Thank you, that's really helpful and interesting. No, I'm starting on the art now, it's just that the huge rent and pressure to bring the money in is all coming to a head at the same time. But I like these big changes happening in my head, it feels like I've spent quite a long time confused but things are becoming clearer 😊
And I don't think therapy is a bad thing for anyone...

I agree with pp. Buy for yourself, by yourself. Don't buy anything that needs major work done as that'll just be your next distraction.

And don't wait until you move to start your art, do it now. Why not start by making a piece for your new home?

So no rent, equivalent into savings. When you get married he can either put a lump into the house or he can get a mortgage on his own and rent it out.
Get something that needs a living touch but not years of maintenance. If you're both working, doing our art and a child comes along you will never finish it.

Buy alone and be realistic about what you really want or need not just for now but also in the future. A bedsit in Brighton May have been living the dream once but as we get older we do generally allow our tastes to develop.

A very cheap old house will usually be cheap for a good reason, are you actually prepared to live in a very rundown neighbourhood for example- especially given your update re children?

I would say your OP is very black and white. House huge and expensive or cheap and small. Successful career or struggling artist?

In fact you sound fortunate enough to have the resources and skills to enjoy the best of both worlds. A deuce but not extravagant home, working to earn money for your family whilst perhaps going part time to make art?

I would probably buy something in the middle of the two examples you give. You obviously see children in your future so I wouldn't buy a tiny house that would only work short term.

Moving is expensive, so I would buy something that will fit with your plans for at least the next 5-7 years.

I wouldn't go for the dram house your parents and partner suggest as you obviously don't want the financial pressure.

By for yourself but buy something that is structurally sound so you can live in it but bad decor to motivate you to get it how you want it.
Can you do something like posh greetings cards on etsy. Something small to start you off?

One thing to think about is that a cheap old house may require a host of expensive repairs and ongoing maintenance to keep it habitable.

Sounds like there's a lot going on here.

You're in your 30s and you want kids with your partner. But are talking about separate houses when his parents die. Which unless there is something up with them might be ages. So he is going to be living with you for the forseeable. If it's long term and this is where you are both going to have a family you may need to take his needs into account as well

If you want kids in the next few years I'd plan to do a house up first otherwise it may be a lifetime's work. I'd also look at catchment areas and somewhere that's big enough for a family.

Sorry to sound boring but so so many people I know have bought only to buy again a few years later when they realise kids change things.

The art - how did you figure out your need to move was to get out of doing art? It sounds like quite a tenuous link unless you've had therapy to help you figure this out.

Not sure if youre planning on quitting your job to do art but I'd see if I could scale your job back gradually as you increase doing the art to give you a bit of a safety net incase you change your mind