to feel like i'm doing the wrong thing?

[lsfowler]

I'm in my 20s. After a really abusive and shit relationship I found myself back at my mum and dad's last December. I lost everything - my partner took all my self-confidence from me, I tried to take my life twice and an old ED came back into my life. I was seriously low - I had just gained my MSc and was enrolled on a PhD course, which I dropped out of after my ex changed the locks on our shared flat and left me with no connection or money to the city i was studying in. My mum and dad picked me up of the floor when I had nothing.

Slowly, but surely, through the help of my mum and dad I've built enough confidence to undertake my postgraduate course really far away from home (in Ireland). I know this is the right thing for me - I longed for this last year. It's the night before and I am filled with anxiety - not for the course or myself, but for my mum and dad. My parents have never had a normal relationship, no affection or love, they just bumble along and I think having me home gave them both some outlet to talk to and for company. My mum is an alcoholic and had a terrible childhood. She drinks every night and stumbles around, crying and laughing. It has always made me uncomfortable. But she is my mum and I love her with all my heart.

They've had a tough few years - both sets of parents died, and our close family friend died too. They have lost their home once, and have constant money worries. My brother is having another baby but has little or no contact with them, even cutting off contact with my nephew who my parents obviously adore. My sister has severe mental health problems and they are dealing with those too (she is inpatient).

I am the youngest of 5 siblings, and have always been the "helper" of the family. My mum has just been crying saying how much she will miss me and how i won't be here when she gets in from work tomorrow. It has devastated me. She finds it really hard to express emotion when sober, so she has waited until tonight. My nephew was hysterical yesterday when he said goodbye to me.

AIBU to think I am being the most selfish person ever to leave? I can't bear to think of them all being so broken and me just leaving them for a new life when they helped me rebuild it

You can go back to visit often. I’m guessin guilt family are in England? - if hats he case, Ireland is right next door. A short flight away.

This is what you wanted, you’re doing it for you and you may end up back there getting a job. Anyway of two is a short time inthe grand scheme of things.

You must go. This is what you have worked for. Their childhoods and their ongoing suffering are not your responsibility at all however much you love them.

This is a huge positive step for you, the outpouring of grief from your mum is just that, her emotional response kicking in. When sober she will possibly realise that you didn't need that.

Don't beat yourself up about their reactions. Your parents are grown ups and will deal with it their own way. Please don't feel guilty about putting yourself and your life first.

Also, well done. Moving on and up from an abusive relationship is so hard. X

You sound lovely, I'm sure they will miss you. However, they'll also be enormously proud that you are going on to complete your studies and that they helped in you achieving this. Good luck x

OP my Mum was an alcoholic, so much so it nearly killed her. I stuck by her but I finally had to leave and that's when she changed. She'd never have got off the alcohol when I was there, she didn't have too - I did everything for her. Now she's been alcohol free for five years and loving her life.

I'm not saying that this will be your Mum but there is hope. I seriously thought alcohol was going to kill my Mum and no matter what I did, she just wouldn't stop, but she did and your Mum can too.

Don't feel guilty, you're doing nothing wrong and it could end up being a positive step for everyone. You can always call her everyday if needed or every other day to chat to her, it's a small world now. Go and enjoy yourself!

Tell her you love her and it feels the world for her to have said what she did to you, kiss and hug her. Then tell her you must go but you’ll be coming back because you love her and will miss her. Text her every as to say you love her, she may turn a corner now she’s burst with some emotion, but you must go, just let her know she’s not being abandoned and who knows what the future will bring. Good luck, you deserve to live your life but show your mum she doesn’t have to keep it all locked up