He will treat you the way you let him statement

[becomebetter]

Can anyone please explain this? What should you do then? Just up and leave?

Yes, don't put up with him ignoring your boundaries and you should leave him if he is

Can anyone please explain this? What should you do then? Just up and leave?

If he is treating you badly and he will not stop, then yes, you probably do need to leave. Because if you have told a partner that they are treating you badly and they do not stop then just staying is giving them permission to continue to treat you badly, even if you protest and complain. Though there is no "just" about upping and leaving. It's a very big thing.

I suppose the trick is to establish your boundaries at the start of the relationship. But agree, it's a bit more tricky when you're 10 years in with two kids.

Although I can see the aspect of blame culture here, I think there us a lot of truth in the statement. I certainly let my husband year me badly. No it wasn't my fault, but I let it go on for far too long. Stood up to it. If it didn't change, leave. As it is I stayed and stayed and by the time I left i was empty and it was a total shock to him.

One of the things I torture myself with is WHY did I let him? He wasn't violent. I wasn't scared of him in that sense. I don't know what it says about me.

It’s about valuing yourself. It’s not about what your letting him do so much as what you will put up with in order to feel loved. Because we are raised to believe that if someone loves us and we are in a relationship then we are valued. So people don’t want to lose the feeling of being loved because that’s their perceived value of themself.

His behaviour is down to him but yes, some women do seem to repeatedly "let" men treat them appallingly - for all sorts of complicated reasons.

I think it's about having healthy personal boundaries. It's not intended to be victim blaming, I think it's meant to point out that you don't have to put up with being treated badly - it's OK to walk, it's OK to say 'enough', it's OK to say 'we're over'.

Today i have found out the extent of how much my mil has let her dh walk all over her. She should have walked away a along time ago. But she didn’t. She has lived with this abhorrent of a man for 40 years. Imo if you cross certain boundaries it’s time to walk away.

I don’t think it’s about blame necessarily; but it’s also incredibly belittling to women as a whole when some women’s apparent inability to have agency in their life or relationships is portrayed as an inevitable consequence. A basic example: sometimes I read the dating threads and there are women on there moaning for weeks about men they’ve had a few dates with who don’t seem to be making an effort to schedule more dates or are cancelling dates constantly or being shitty with communication. For whatever reason, they are latching on to men who are patently not very interested in them and are not behaving well but, rather than saying “fuck this shit, I’m out”, are tying themselves up in all kinds of knots about how they’re going to give him “one last chance” to prove he’s interested - and when he doesn’t they make another excuse to themselves and it’s another “one last chance.” The shitty behaviour is all on the man in question; but the women in this case are often literally standing in front of a man who is saying in actions and everything but direct words “I am not interested in you, I am just stringing you along” and letting him continue that.

It isn’t “easy” to leave a poor relationship, no; and in abusive relationships it’s all the more difficult. But too many women accept the social conditioning that having any man is better than having no man and that often leads them to accept shitty relationships long before any ties like children or abuse set in.

My grandmother always taught me “you get what you settle for”, but she was referring to establishing good boundaries at the beginning of a relationship and maintaining them throughout.

It wasn’t a statement blaming anyone for not leaving.

“Just leaving” isn’t that simple, of course not.

On the other hand just because he has always behaved badly doesn’t mean that you have to allow him to continue. You can decide to change things.

I think it can be insidious and your self esteem can get so messed up, it's easy to minimise as you lose your sense of scale and what's 'normal'. You view the behaviour through a distorted lense, especially when you have child responsibilities. For me, i think it started after traumatic childbirth and PND - when at my lowest point mentally and emotionally.

I don't take that as victim shaming. Of course there are situations where women don't have the option to stand up to another person and my personal pet peeve is when men claim that women don't get equal pay because they don't stand up and ask for it (had an argument with my FIL about this recently) when there are multiple instances of women who do stand up and make a claim for equal recognition in the workplace are branded as troublemakers/difficult etc...

However, I take this statement to be analogous to the famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's not placing responsibility on you for other's poor treatment of you, it gives you a reminder that you don't have to take other's poor treatment of you.