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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to meet for breakfast?

52 replies

WallabyWay · 23/09/2018 13:30

I'm part of a group of five friends who meet every 2 weeks for lunch. We see each other now and again on other occasions.

We've been doing this for some time, but now the group want to switch to meeting for breakfast. I have no problem with them doing this, but I personally don't want to attend the breakfast meetups.

The reasons for this are 1) I don't eat breakfast. I can't bear to look at food until after 12, sometimes later. 2) The smell and sight of food at that time in the morning makes me feel ill, especially when I'm suffering from my regular episodes of vertigo/nausea. 3) I have autism, anxiety and depression and meeting as early as they want to is a very bad time for me. I struggle to get out of the house then, or function when I do.

I told a friend that it doesn't suit me, but to have a goodtime and I'll arrange to see them at other times. She wasn't happy and said that I'm going to make everyone feel bad, which is not my intention.

So Aibu to not want to attend?

OP posts:
Original poster
WallabyWay · 23/09/2018 14:05

They want to meet around 9. Even 11:30 is a bit too early to me. I could manage coffee then, but ideally I don't eat until 12:30 or later. Food before 12 makes me nauseated. Again though I don't expect people to have to change to accommodate me, especially as I was the last of the group to join.

We aren't young, no. We're around 30, give or take a year.

OP posts:
XiCi · 23/09/2018 14:06

7am?? Christ, surely only McDonald's is open for breakfast at that time Grin

When I've met friends for breakfast it's been at 10am. Im up at 5 every day for work so need a bit of a lie in at weekends

halesie · 23/09/2018 14:11

OP YANBU.

If you were a wheelchair user and they wanted to meet somewhere inaccessible would they tell you that you had to go so they didn't have to feel bad about choosing somewhere inaccessible? I find the comparisons between physical and mental health care compelling in terms of thinking about difference.

Rotating between breakfast and lunch sounds good.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 23/09/2018 14:12

Ugh, not very nice of your friend to try to guilt you into going to the breakfast meet-ups, even after you've explained why you wouldn't want to attend (and apparently have done so in a friendly way, rather than passive-aggressively, as some would have done).

Maybe your friend thinks she's somehow acting in your best interests, and that once she gets you to the actual breakfast meeting, you'll end up enjoying it more than you think-- but even if so, she's going about it in entirely the wrong way! No-one appreciates a guilt-trip.

YANBU to make the decision that's best for you. The meet-up is supposed to be fun, so if you won't enjoy it, the others shouldn't expect you to attend.

SenecaFalls · 23/09/2018 14:13

I'm with you, OP. I don't socialize at breakfast. I'm not hungry until later in the day and I am not a morning person. As I gained more seniority at work, I even managed to rid myself of breakfast meetings.

I think the suggestion to alternate is a good one. But in any event, you are not being unreasonable at all.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/09/2018 14:18

You have perfectly valid reasons for not meeting for breakfast and there is no nothing unreasonable about it at all.

I wonder if your friend is perhaps a little clumsy in the way she replied to you. It's the sort of thing I would say. It's hard to communicate the balance between "we have to do this because it is better for the majority" and "we really enjoy your company and we are disappointed because it won't be the same without you".

I could easily say "I feel bad because you can't join us," but would be wanting to show you that you were missed, not that you are doing something wrong iyswim?

MirriVan · 23/09/2018 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Molokonono · 23/09/2018 14:21

I haven't got autism, or vertigo, nausea and rarely eat breakfast - but I'd not want to meet at 9am either. Far too early.

You are not being unreasonable, so stick to your guns on this one.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2018 14:28

We meet for breakfast sometimes. It's flexible: just when it suits most people. It's not usually before 10am - I'm a late eater too but I can usually manage that; and if I don't fancy it, I just have a drink and a chat.

I suspect your last post is the real issue though. They want to see you and don't want to feel that they are leaving you out; and you're not as sociable as them and don't mind. Maybe you need to be a bit clearer with that - it doesn't appear to be relevant why you don't want to go; just that you don't, so I'd let them get on with it.

Your friends behaviour seems bizarre for 30 year olds.

RangeRider · 23/09/2018 14:28

9am - nicely in the rush hour if it's during the week! That would be a fun journey....

Racecardriver · 23/09/2018 14:29

I hate eating first thing too. Could you just go along and have a coffee?

AnnieAnoniMoose · 23/09/2018 14:38

YANBU

You were doing better than me, I can’t abide regularly scheduled meet ups these days, they feel too demanding (and as far as I know, I’m NT, though I do seem to have a few ‘traits’ so who knows...). If I did commit to it though, like the others, I’d prefer breakfast so it doesn’t take up the whole day. (Actually I’d PREFER dinner as I prefer to get stuff done in the day & relax later) I don’t usually eat breakfast either, but I’d prefer that to meeting in the middle of the day on a regular basis, so I understand their POV, but I totally understand yours too and would try to find something that suited everyone (Dinner? Afternoon tea?) or alternate maybe.

In your position I’d message the group along the lines of...

‘I totally understand why you’d prefer to meet for breakfast & I hope it works out better for you all. I’m really sorry I’m unable make it, I explained to ‘Friend’, but I wanted to let you all know as she mentioned everyone feeling bad about it and that’s the last thing I want.

I can’t face food before midday and even the smell of food makes me feel dreadful, especially when I have vertigo. (& if you’re open about it) With my anxiety/depression/autism I struggle to get organised and out of the house in the mornings too.

However, as I said, I hope it works out better for you all and if you occasionally want to meet for lunch, please let me know’

Original poster
WallabyWay · 23/09/2018 14:39

9 is what's being bandied about just now. It hasn't happened yet but it'll probably be around 9-9:30. It's much too early for me regardless but I'm sure that they'll have just as much fun without me.

I'd go along if I could Racecardriver and just have a coffee, for but for the reasons listed, especially nausea it isn't a good for idea for me to sit surrounded by food, or to try to function on a more than basic level in the morning. Even the sight and smell of food, especially fried, is enough to make me feel very ill in the morning

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2018 14:42

Yanbu at all, tell them how you feel, and that sometimes you would like to meet at lunchtime as it suits you more.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2018 14:44

It is not going to be a positive experience for you, and you are going to spend the morning feeling ill, than that is not good. I has a dd 11 with ASD and learning difficulties, and can well sympathise, as some foods and smells, make her feel nauseaus, and sick. She hates cheese, so will feel really sick if we are eating it near her.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 14:52

YANBU. Do not let them guilt you into it. Keep telling them no and being insistent that you won't meet for breakfast but at other times. I loathe mornings and hate breakfast. I drink coffee in the mornings but don't eat until around noon. I'd refuse to meet people for breakfast.

Lovemusic33 · 23/09/2018 14:59

My dd is the same in the mornings, she can rarely eat breakfast and even the sight of me making my breakfast makes her feel unwell (she has Aspergers), she will eat something late morning but doesn’t really do breakfast.

I think the idea of alternating each week sounds fair, hopefully they can do that. I can see their point as meeting later in the day means a whole day is taken up so to speak, I work part time so have to cram as much as I can in in my days off, meeting at lunch times would mean I can’t do much else that day.

They should be understanding though and not make you feel bad for not wanting to do breakfast.

AbsentmindedWoman · 23/09/2018 15:01

Who does a breakfast meeting unless it's for work? Do people really do this?

Brunch is far more agreeable. Around noon. Brunch is lovely!

Dollymixture22 · 23/09/2018 15:05

I think you have been very reasonable. It doesn’t suit you but you happy to skip it.

If I was in the group and your situation was explained to me I like try for a compromise, alternate breakfast and lunch is a good one.

It’s nice that they would miss you. You seem like a good egg so I can see why!

JustDanceAddict · 23/09/2018 15:06

What time? If it’s 8am then that’s early.
If it’s 10ish then it’s reasonable to me and going into brunch territory.

ApolloandDaphne · 23/09/2018 15:07

In this house around noon isn't brunch. It is lunch, breakfast having been had many hours previously.

Dollymixture22 · 23/09/2018 15:38

We are getting off course a little here but Apollo I always think of brunch as a lazy Sunday morning or Christmas Day thing, and strongly believe it should be accompanied by alcohol (I am quite the traditionalist).

Brunch is any time between 10am and 2pm. While I would eat lunch as early as 12 sometimes on a normal working day - brunch is for those lovely lazy days.

Original poster
WallabyWay · 23/09/2018 16:17

Thank you to all who have replied. It's been very helpful and it's reassuring to know that I'm not being that unreasonable. I'm just going to politely reiterate those points made to my friend, to the group,and leave it at that.

If my friend takes offence again then so be it.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 23/09/2018 16:30

YANBU.

I would not want to be having a social get-together if one of the people there could be ill, and would respect your choice. It's a pity that you are unable to be there even just to have a coffee though.

Sciurus83 · 23/09/2018 16:37

Surely they can't mean meeting at 9am on the WEEKEND?! Oh no no, those people would not last long as my friends at all!