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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husband is vulgar

26 replies

Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 22/09/2018 23:49

Been separated almost 4 years. He was abusive and frankly has been a shit dad. Past few weeks he’s been friendly. Messaging asking how the kids are etc. He’s had them this weekend for the first time in 6 months. He sees them 2ce a year! He’s a rubbish father, doesn’t provide etc. But the kids like to see thei grandparents.

Anyway, he always becomes vulgar and makes me uncomfortable!! Dropping the kids off on Friday I gave the kids a kiss and he said “what about me” I said not an chance. He then said well he would rather grab my bum. Honestly he makes my skin crawl and it scares me!

Tonight he’s texted out the blue to say a porn film looked like me and he misses it. Iv messaged him and said he’s overstepped the mark and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I hate it!! I have a fiancé and a child. Even if I didn’t I wouldn’t like it!! I feel like ifs definitely some sort of abuse he likes to do.

Wtf do I do?! I’m dreading collecting the kids!!

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 22/09/2018 23:51

Block him from your phone email only
Have someone with you when he collects the kids.
Does he have a partner? I would threaten to show them the messages unless he stops.
Grim. Poor you. You dodged a bullet there.

thefourgp · 22/09/2018 23:52

What a creep OP. Tell him off every time he makes a comment and maybe take someone with you? X

Bimgy85 · 22/09/2018 23:52

What a disgusting vile excuse of a man!

I'd be glad you got rid of him

Dirty mutt

Maelstrop · 22/09/2018 23:54

Tell him how extremely inappropriate he is every single time. Stop him, make it very serious. Don’t let him away with this, it’s another form of control.

Singlenotsingle · 22/09/2018 23:55

Slimy sleazeball. Tell your dp. Hopefully he'll sort it out.

Bambamber · 22/09/2018 23:55

Can someone else do the exchange for you? Disgusting piece of shit

Losingthewill1 · 23/09/2018 00:02

I’m so sorry OP this must be horrible.

It would be worth having your partner be at the door sending the kids off ( don’t think he’ll mark the porn remark then)

I would then only communicate about the kids via email and anything else just don’t even entertain it. But keep a record of it.

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 07:15

I’m so fed up!! Supposed to have dropped off at 8pm, didn’t turn up until 10.30! Every single time he he’s hours late for pick up and drop off.

Anyway, I always drop off and pick up away from the house and a public place.

I’m so annoyed. He hasn’t seen them in 6 months, doesn’t pay csa etc. But when he sees them his parents give them £50 each for birthdays/Xmas and tells them they aren’t allowed to bring it home incase I spend it?!! So they come home with a lot of rubbish and they think he is the best thing since sliced bread!!

I’m so annoyed!!!

Dd asked for art stuff for Xmas, Iv been buying nice stuff for her. He’s took her pound shop and bought her loads of pencils so she’s happy. She won’t be bothered about my stuff now 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 07:17

Oh and Dd informed me that he told them they need proper clothes?!!

She likes to wear “indie” clothes so like a skirt and converse & a jumper etc. I’m so pissed off!! He has never provided anything!!

OP posts:
Kidneyvback · 24/09/2018 07:18

Can your fiance be home when the exchanges happen? I bet he wouldn't say anything then

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 07:26

They actually have never met! He’s so absuive and vile that I didn’t want to put my fiancé in that situation.

OP posts:
Kidneyvback · 24/09/2018 09:23

More the reason for him to be there. He will probably back off if your fiance is Hanging around. They tend to coward down

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 24/09/2018 09:25

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 10:04

Because the threats to kill me and “ruin my life” aren’t worth the £20 a month.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 24/09/2018 10:07

OP your last post chamges things. Stop the texting. Email contact only and your fiance is part of your life and you need his support on this at drop off and pick up.

Properjob · 24/09/2018 10:18

OP I agree with Hair. Do you have records of his threats? Sounds like its good that kids don't see him especially if you have positive new father figure in place for them, is your fiance parenting them well? I would cut all contact until he asks, he probably won't. I'd consider just informing police of his threats so it's lodged on file. Shame about grandparents but they don't sound very good either your kids are better off without or see your DPs family. You could try talking to them? But may not be worth it. He's clearly still trying to control you! Good luck

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 11:06

My fiancé is amazing! Honestly completely different. He provides everything. We have a child together and he’s never treated them different. Infact we took youngest clothes shopping this weekend and felt the need to buy the older two a present. The kids call him dad and adore him.

I Have kept all contact and in the past we have had a non molestation order but it’s now ran out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 11:08

I actually emailed his sister this time last year and told her to get the grandparents to ring me. They rang me once and wouldn’t speak to me just the kids. Told them they want more contact with them, I told them they are welcome down anytime. And they have never been in contact again. 🙄

OP posts:
longwayoff · 24/09/2018 11:10

No way would my children be spending time with this creepy bastard.think about access arrangements.

Doyoumind · 24/09/2018 11:14

OP all of these things he does are designed to annoy you. You know this. I know it's difficult but try not to take the bait. Grey rock him. Keep all communication by email.

You know exactly what to expect from him so try not to get wound up when he does what you expect.

I understand why you allow contact and why you wouldn't want to rock the boat with the legal route when it's only twice a year. At least it is only twice a year.

flirtygirl · 24/09/2018 11:37

Horrible situation op and I'm going to seem harsh but If it's only twice a year visits then don't do any chasing and let it disappear. I don't understand why some women chase men like this for contact.

I don't think it's better for the kids and yes I have been that kid. I would have let it dry up first chance I got. Four years on and he would have disappeared by now.

Keep a record of the threats and harassment and see if you can get another non molestation order, go grey rock, use email only for contact but don't chase him and if the grandparents don't care then don't chase them also.

If they wanted to stay in your kids lives then they would and the kids will realise this also.

Its great your fiance is good with them and that that have a role model there, in time they will realise the difference themselves between a good parent and their dad.

Original poster
Mummysharkdoodoodoo · 24/09/2018 14:59

To top it off, the kids have left their coats in his car! He’s refusing to post them and wants me too him somewhere half way. That’s not possible as Df works shifts and long hours. He loves over an hour Away.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 24/09/2018 18:42

Take him to the cms. Threats should be reported to the police. He should be supporting his children.

Tinkobell · 24/09/2018 18:53

Be careful OP. He's after something and might actually be really dangerous. Leave the coats. I know that's an easy thing for me to say but if they're just normal coats grab new ones from the supermarket. You need to put a high price on your safety here. He's up to no good. Get the anti molestation order back in place if you can.

Tinkobell · 24/09/2018 18:57

....if you've kept the sleazy text you'd have a screen shot and his number to help reinstate that .....plus any back history. I'm sorry to ask this OP, but are your kids actually safe staying with him? Are you aware of any previous?