Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A guess is better than no answer at all - AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

52 replies

Flappypants · 22/09/2018 21:53

Hi

My EA narc STBXH (some of you may remember the speeding, groping, throat holding threads I put up some time ago) is dragging me over the coals big time. He managed to get a judge to order that I have a full psychological assessment (part 25) which I did on Wednesday. He also has access to my full medical records. I tried to stop it but no luck. As a side issue, how can a court judge that the abuser in a DA situation can access some of the most private things even when they are out of the situation? I feel utterly sick and vioared at the thought of him picking through my medical history after everything he has done.

Anyway. My assessment consisted of an interview of around 90 minutes followed by psychometric testing. It has been a trying time and I was getting very tired especially after the intense interview and I started to find it difficult to concentrate and found the harder questions impossible. I said so and the girl doing it (A PhD student who was assisting the expert witness doctor) said "just guess. It's better than giving no answer at all".

I was really not happy about that as a solution. What if one of my guessed answers - I had tried to be reasoned and systematic about answering all my other questions.- threw up a red flag because I had unwittingly answered "badly"? Could this skew my results and potentially bugger me up??

I have registered my discomfort with my solicitor but I wonder if any psychologists/psychiatrists who have carried out such tests agree with this girl, or if anyone has undergone these tests in this context (ex trying to say you are mad, a danger to the children, unfit to parent etc etc) can tell me what their experiences are.

T.I.A xxx

OP posts:
LucieMorningstar · 23/09/2018 20:15

Sounds like there have been some serious breaches with this whole situation. I really feel for you op.

LucieMorningstar · 23/09/2018 20:16

Also, what maddening said ^

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 20:22

I really hope this can be challenged. Do you need a new solicitor?

Guessing on certain tests is standard practice but it really depends on the test. The expert psychologist will be registered with the HCPC. Look them up.

ThinkingMam · 23/09/2018 20:29

As an expert witness, I would say it’s not unusual for the professional to have access to medical records. It would be highly unlikely, however, that these would also be disclosed to the other party.

I would also advise faith in the assessment process. I would like to think that the psychologist would account for emotion, fatigue and anxiety in these situations. Of course you could voice your concerns, though you could wait for the report to be released or request a disclosure interview (I.e. meet with the psychologist again for them to talk through their conclusions).

Original poster
Flappypants · 24/09/2018 17:30

Hi I've told my solicitor in was uncomfortable. In fact though I'm now more on a bit of a mission about the records going to STBXH. I fear they are already with him. They are certainly with his solicitor. I'm just so angry and feel so let down.

OP posts:
LucieMorningstar · 24/09/2018 18:32

If your stbxh is given access to the details in your file he’s gonna use that info against you to any extreme that he can. Is your solicitor at all helpful?? There must be something they can do to ensure he doesn’t get access to them?? It’s a horrible situation for you op.

ALongHardWinter · 24/09/2018 19:08

He had full access to your medical records?! Sorry OP,but I would most definitely question this! No one is allowed to view your medical records except medical professionals engaged in providing you with medical care. Your ex would need your express permission to view them,or a power of attorney granted by the courts if you were incapable of making a decision.

Original poster
Flappypants · 24/09/2018 19:42

As I understand it, STBXH's barrister argued for them to have access to the records. I got it put before the judge and he said the other side could have access. This is what my solicitor sent me:
"First of all, I am afraid that District Judge J* has gone against us in relation to the medical records, and we are going to have to disclose copies of your medical records to STBXH and his solicitor. The judge has given us the option of making a specific application to prevent them being disclosed to STBXH, so that they would be disclosed only to his solicitor. However, I think that application would be unlikely to succeed and it would require another separate court hearing and therefore considerable additional costs". I took my solicitor's advice and I let it go but I'm bloody irritated with myself now and in just do not think it is right that my nasty, abusive and slippery STBXH still gets to control me via the court process!!!

OP posts:
Aridane · 24/09/2018 19:53

Shit - that ship has sailed then.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 24/09/2018 19:54

This seems utterly outrageous Flappypants and I’m struggling to understand why your medial history is of relevance based on what you’ve said so far. However, will your medical records that all of the interested parties are seeing also show any detailed evidence of the DA you’ve suffered from your ex? I know it’s not the point but that might at least be a useful upside?

Original poster
Flappypants · 24/09/2018 20:55

The records certainly mention marital and relationship difficult. I wasn't aware that it was abuse until I came on Mumsnet last year and all the lovely people here opened y eyes. Women's Aid told me several times to get out and eventually the DC and o went to refuge but only after we split and had been living in the same house for several weeks and his campaign really ramped up. I've had all the MARAC meeting, I'm waiting for an outreach worker because our risk went down to medium after he finally moved out (that was a bloody long and expensive day in court).

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappypants · 24/09/2018 20:55

*relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappypants · 24/09/2018 20:56

Gah. Difficulties

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappypants · 25/09/2018 22:56

Update...the report came through today. STBXH looks like a complete tool.

OP posts:
BotherationBuggeration · 26/09/2018 07:28

How did it go, Flappypants?

purpleline · 26/09/2018 07:47

Glad the report came back and you're pleased! Well done OP.

Troels · 26/09/2018 07:55

Update...the report came through today. STBXH looks like a complete tool.

Hurray. Hope this stops all his crap in court.

LucieMorningstar · 26/09/2018 10:24

Tell us more op!

Original poster
Flappypants · 26/09/2018 23:00

Well first of all thanks for asking!!

Secondly there's basically nothing wrong with me...no psychosis, no psychological or emotional abnormality, no personality disorder, no depression, no reason whatsoever why I should not be able to parent the DC, above average emotional intelligence and empathy etc etc.

Of course, he will say it's all wrong. The expert explained to me and reiterated in the report that he can't believe or disbelieve either party and so gives opinions such as if what Flappy says Is true the I say Y and if what Twatface says is true then I think Z. He said that if I have made false allegations then there is a risk that I will be negative to the DC about their father but that it has no bearing on my ability to parent them which was the purpose of the report. Cafcass are coming to see me at home next week and then going to see DS at school so I will have a chance to discuss my approach to discussing this. I am at pains to make sure I don't a) discuss ANYTHING with the children and b) my mother NEVER badmouthed my DF to us when we were children and I really respect her for it...I really hold that up as my gold standard because thing were not brilliant and she was dignified about it.

I'm fully expecting STBXH to say I'm lying and am therefore unsuitable to look after the children so I've said I will take a lie detector test to see if I'm lying about the allegations I have made (the speeding, groping, jokes about strangling and killing me, putting my hand on his erection while the DC were both in our bed and getting angry with me when I took my hand away and said the children are here and it's inappropriate etc). The next thing could be him questioning if the DC are even his (I don't know how I would have been able to have an affair but hey) but I'll save that one and may be go on Jeremy Kyle 🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🙄🙄

So. I'm not a loon...it's pretty categoric that the expert believes my mental health problems were entirely situational and lo and behold, now that I'm out of it I'm as happy as a clam. Words that people who don't even know me well have used to describe me in the.last few weeks are joyful, sunny, happy, strong. I've not felt that in years.

So. Happy Flappy Wappy.

The medical records will still be picked over and I'm still angry. Do you REALLY think it's worth taking further? I can't do anything about it in my case but I would hope I can make some noise so that it doesn't happen to other people.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 26/09/2018 23:47

I don't understand why your solicitor couldn't have asked for disclosure of medical records to be limited to lawyers at the time the judge made the order, rather than by making a separate application. I would also question why they thought it was unlikely to succeed, given that in fact this is the norm.

CSIblonde · 27/09/2018 00:17

I'd put in writing the test issue with your fatigue/stress, along with your own Dr's assessment of your medical issues, as he's got your full history & knows you. And if you see a Counsellor or Therapist get their assessment of you in writing too.

Troels · 27/09/2018 07:51

I'd take it further, as in getting full custody of the children, he's unstable obviously. (do they do custody order in UK) That way he can't mess with you through them by changing doctors/schools/dentists/ refusing holidays abroad etc.

LucieMorningstar · 27/09/2018 13:58

Op really glad to hear you’ve been confirmed as non-loon!! I think your stbxh might well be seething at that outcome though. Keep pushing for custody of your kids, to let your stbxh have them would be detrimental to them I think.

ImNotAFlower · 27/09/2018 14:23

Congratulations on your Non-loon status!

Troels · 27/09/2018 15:56

Now if anyone ever says "are you crazy?" You can honestly say No, I've been tested.