Feel like the worlds worst Mum (SN related)

[GinPink]

I just feel so down, I'm struggling to not hate myself right now.

I have 3 DC. I love them with all my heart, but I feel I let them down so much.

My middle child is struggling. He is very behind developmentally. I've got him on lists for therapy and educational help. He is unbelievably picky with food, I have reached breaking point and just give him what I know he will eat. He is 3 with the speech level of an 8 month old. I just think, this must be my fault. I didn't stimulate him enough, too much screen time. I didn't wean him properly. The nursery staff agree he is behind. I can't bring myself to ask them if it's my fault because deep down I think it really is, saying it out loud to them will make me cry and never stop. I'm making myself ill because I'm so stressed and upset. I say to myself that this isn't my fault, children are all different and do things at different times but I just don't believe it.

Has anyone had this? How can I get passed it?

I have a SN child and my experience is that every parent of a SN child blames themselves. A friend of mine who works with SN children says that if she had £1 for every parent who blames themselves for their child’s issues she’d be rich.

Highly unlikely, in my opinion, that it’s to do with you, especially if the other children are following a more normal trajectory. Do have a chat with nursery, but remember that you’re the expert on your child.

My youngest has SN, it’s not my fault just like it’s not your fault your child has SN.

But you can’t helping feeling it is!

I have two kids with Sen. One is 6 and non verbal. Screens have actually taught the eldest a lot of language. Kids with Sen are actually a whole different ball game. Remove all the comparison to kids with no Sen and how they’re parented and do your best. Somedays we live on toast, cereal and a handful of veg. Days where I don’t have the energy to shower. It’s the darker less talked about side of Sen, how the parents are affected.

You haven't done anything wrong. You sound like you're doing the same, feeling and coping like we all would.

Most of us parent the best we can, whether our children have SN or not. We all make mistakes. Most of them seriously don't affect our children long term.

I'm not convinced you've posted this in the right place though. I hope nobody is judgemental or horrible.

As a sn teacher I can just tell you that a lot of parents feel the same way... Speech and language therapy could help and food issues are incredibly common in children with sn.. Does he get dinner at nursery?? Sometimes they might eat more for teachers at school instead of parents (not always)
I currently am teaching a class who mostly all have issues around food (they are only little) but we are going to have food stuff in our sensory trays to get them used to seeing / smelling and feeling it.. Haven't noticed a difference yet but it can't hurt to try. Speech and language advised me to just expose them to food in a non threatening and informal way as much as possible initially..

And it isnt your fault!! You are doing what's best for your child..
Honestly though nursery will be happy to help you if they can and could be a great support., they shouldn't be judgmental at all!!

i have 2 children with multiple needs/separete conditions each that need 24 hours care

1 had 8 conditions the other 6

its just how their brain was born or developed

@Smurf123 we pay for meals at nursery but also provide a packed lunch which they always end up givjng him as he just won't try the other food. I'm too exhausted and low to try cooking things at home as I know they just go straight in the bin. It's less painful to pay the nursery to provide food that doesn't get eaten.

Thanks everyone, I probably have posted in the wrong place, but I feel desperately low today and I don't have anyone to talk to.

I have a child with additional needs. She just ate biscuits for a year. It's the only thing about her development that actually made me cry and she was behind in speech, toilet training the list goes on. It's not your fault. You have your DS on lists for therapy and educational help. You are a brilliant mum.

Please stop beating yourself up. Children only need good enough parenting to develop fine. Chances are, your parenting was good enough. It can take a long time to get a diagnosis. Has your child been referred to a peadiatrician? If I had relied on my childrens' schools to find out the cause of their struggles, I would have never got a diagnosis. Personally I found having a diagnosis was like an official recognition that their issues were not caused by my parenting. Having a child with additional needs is exhausting enough without a huge helping of guilt

My eldest is thriving and doing very well developmentally. I've always cling onto the hope that my middle child would just 'get there' and I guess I've been in denial. His speech therapist is only really just starting with him now (we had to go private as we're getting no where with NHS). I'm going to ring lots of people on Monday - get him to a paediatrician and other professionals, I said to the nursery I want to help to push to get all the right help he needs but I just don't know whose who and what to ask for. They are going to send me all the details hopefully on Monday morning so I can start chasing.

He's a very happy little boy and just adorable. I just feel like I don't know what to do to help him, fingers crossed we will get him on the right lists very soon x

@Hello1290 thank you, you're experience sounds so similar to me. I can't thank you enough, just hearing that others have been through it helps so much.

Loving mumsnet right now xx

I remember feeling exactly as you do. I don’t think I know any mums who haven’t experienced feeling guilt. It’s really hard.
The thing to try really hard to remember is that it’s a pointless and really unhelpful feeling.
When we are weighed down by guilt it’s impossible to be the positive happy parents we want to be. It’s understsndable but it’s not a good feeling for anyone.
I wasted a couple of years feeling guilty and at the end of it I realised I just couldn’t get that time back.
You’ve done nothing wrong. All you can do is try to look forward. My experience is that it’s like grief - it’s an adjustement that this child is not the child you expected and will need different things from you / and will bring different rewards

Unless you've parented him dramatically differently to the other 2, you have objective proof that it's nothing you did.

In order to have such an impact on a child's development, you would have to be seriously neglecting them (think the orphanages we hear about where the children never get human interaction).

You're getting him the help he needs rather than ignoring the issues. He sounds like a lucky boy to have parents who care and try to get the best for him.

Don't beat yourself up. Save your energy for your children. God knows they consume enough of that 😁

So let's get this right. Your child is happy and loveable, you've tried him with different foods, send a packed lunch to nursery as well as them providing him with lunch. You've paid for private speech therapy and you are pushing for other help for him. You're doing everything right. You're a good parent in difficult circumstances x

I have been where you are and now have a lovely 8 year old who has a diagnosis of autism and goes to a special school.

Over the years I have grieved for the child I thought I had and for my sadness for him. I have cried and cried and at times it has all felt too too much of a struggle to cope.

But then I decided that the best, maybe the only thing, I could really do to help him, was to accept him for who he is. And enjoy him. And not push his boundaries or place stress on him. And keep calm with him even when he's pushing every limit known to man.

I felt such pressure early on to get therapy for him 'to re-wire his developing brain'. We paid for a couple of years worth of stuff but I honestly don't think it did anything other than place demands on my child when he needed fun and loving care.

I genuinely believe my son is exactly who he was meant to be - he is uncompromising, honest, loving and hilarious.

You can do this op, there is no rush to come to terms with your situation, try to enjoy your child, don't beat yourself up when it doesn't in anyway feel enjoyable and just feed him whatever he wants to eat.

I feel like this about my eldest. She has ASD and dyspraxia, but we didn't notice until her teacher pointed it out when she was 6

She has always been a very difficult child, but I used to think if I was stricter with her she would be better behaved. Once autism was suggested and I'd learnt a bit about it, I realised that was obviously not the correct approach, and I feel very guilty about that.

Hindsight is a fucker.

Trust me - it’s not you xxxx