To think it's not him?

[flamingomonkey]

This may be long so please bear with me.

My DP has an extremely abusive Father with a variety of addictive behaviours including alcohol-related problems. This is only included for context only as they are NC.

After a few issues my DP confessed he fears he's turning into his Dad. He is not and we've discussed that and he recognises that but he thinks he might have a problem with alcohol. The issues include:

1. On a night out with his friends for a birthday one of the other men in the group started threatening and insulting some of the others eventually trying to fight my DP. My DP went back at him and held his ground so the other one sloped off and no fight occured. I had DP upset the next day that he shouldn't have shouted back because he'd also been aggressive and felt he was no better than his friend (I use that term loosely). However, other people from that group have pointed out the man in question regularly behaves that way and DP has only done that once.

1. On a stag do he got really drunk and made a number of stupid decisions that could easily have seen him dead. I have seen the videos so am fully aware of how close he was too falling to his death and, in another situation, drowning. Again, things got aggressive and he left the group and went off on his own in a foreign country. He has no idea how he got back to the hotel.

1. Another social gathering with some of his friends and he ended up leaving the group. On his own, again. He walked about ten miles home, drunk.

I fully hold him responsible for his shit decision making but also notice after the first outburst where he was also aggressive he has walked away and not participated.

AIBU to think his unhealthy relationship isn't with alcohol but with some of his friends?

He has been out with my friends, other people and a different combination of his friends and had absolutely no issues at all. He hasn't had any less to drink on those occasions so I'm starting to think he's not got an alcohol problem but a friend problem. If I am in some way correct that his relationship with alcohol isn't the main problem would I be wrong to tell him? I don't want him to think I'm only saying it because I don't really like some of his friends. I don't want to come across as controlling or mean but then I wonder if I only make the association to it being those three, maybe four, individuals because I don't like them.

Any thoughts appreciated.

I am so sorry. I did put paragraphs but the app clearly disapproves of them

Sorry it sounds like the alcohol to me. There is no need to get that drunk and he’s an adult it’s not down to his friends how much he drinks

I think you need to say more about how much he is actually drinking, whether he's with his friends or yours. When you say he has 'no less to drink' when out with yours, it sounds as if he's drinking a lot whoever he's out with...

It sounds like a bit of both to be honest. An unhealthy relationship with alcohol that's increased when he is with certain people. He needs to focus on his limits when he is with them!

I think he has good cause to be concerned about the alcohol. If he got so drunk he put himself of danger of imminent death he just shouldn't drink.

I don't believe in the notion that alcohol changes a personality. Rather let's out behaviour that for some reason a person wants to do. He is also responsible for what he puts in his body, so even if alcohol somehow can perform some strange brain swap then it is still voluntary to do that.
He has a problem with relationships and decision making when around alcohol.

Good point the alcohol comsumption is important. He generally has a few (upto four in a night) spirit + mixers. He doesn't do shots which his friends moan at me about - I have no idea why. I fully accept his decision making is dreadful when he drinks and he accepts that too but the rest seems to be him moving away from a situation rather than aggravating it.

Putting yourself in life threatening situations, and being prone to bursts of aggression isn’t particularly normal behaviour.

I think he’s right- he’s developing a problem. Listen to what he’s saying

The decision making seems more of a decreased ability to see danger and an increase in his self confidence. However, I agree his behaviour is just stupid. I have never witnessed this but seen videos when he's with me and my friends he is a lot more level

The whole conversation started because we've been invited to a Halloween party and he said he didn't want to go and I was a bit surprised and asked why and it all came out about he worries he's becoming his Dad and how he doesn't want to drink because he knows he sometimes does stupid things and he doesn't want to upset me. I will clarify he doesn't go out often. Since January he has been out-out, with or without me, five times. He hasn't had anything to drink since about June. I do see why people are saying the alcohol is an issue though so thank you

It sounds to me as if you would prefer to be able to blame his friends' influence rather than this drinking -- why? It sounds to me as if he drinks too much whoever he's out with. It's not you and your friends' job to act as soothing influences for someone who has poor impulse control when drunk. Having said that, his choice of friends sounds pretty poor, if getting into fights or stomping out and walking ten miles home when drunk is even an occasional occurrence.

It's good that he's thinking about this, so. Support him in not drinking?

They don’t sound a great group of people if aggression is common when they get drunk. I’d say he should steer clear of them AND rein it in on the drinking. It’s not an either/or choice.

I think it’s really great that he’s aware of his father’s flaws and is concerned not to follow the same path. It shows that he is self aware and reflective. Has he had any counselling or therapy ? That might help him to process his feelings about his dad and evaluate his own behaviour and so on.

He knows I'll support his not drinking if he chooses not to. The point is he doesn't need soothing at all when he's with me and my friends. Obviously, a bunch of women and their partner's is a different dynamic to a group of men hence why I feel any issue is exacerbated because I have never witnessed any hint of it.

OP he does have a problem with alcohol and I think deep down you know this. These dangerous situations would not be happening if he had not been drinking even if he was out with his friends.

Identifying this early is important. The fact that the desire to nip it in the bud comes from him shows that he is not like his father. Some people just cannot drink alcohol. The fact that he can control himself when he is with you just means that there are brakes he can apply in particular social situations.

I would support him in whatever he wants to do and suggest counselling for both of you. As a partner it would benefit you to understand what addiction looks like.

I would suggest he thinks about seeing a counsellor to explore the impact of his abusive childhood a bit more.

He might want to examine his choice of drink.
Ie Stella Artois is nicknamed looney juice as it makes some people act strangely compared to other lagers. I no longer drink wine (apart from fizz) as it makes me blackout and yes I have put myself in danger.
In addition it sounds like the dynamic of an all male group is not for him - some men react badly to male one up ship/competitiveness.
Does his male group ever go out together and do things that are not drink related?

He generally has a few (upto four in a night) spirit + mixers. He doesn't do shots which his friends moan at me about - I have no idea why.

He only has four drinks the entire night and ends up so drunk that he puts himself in danger? Either he's not being truthful about how much he's drinking or his friends are 'helping' him along.

How much support has he had to deal with the consequences of his upbringing and his dad's behaviour?

I suspect if he did some work with a therapist/psychologist with expertise in trauma and abuse, it could help with a lot of what you describe: his paralysing fear of being like his dad or turning into his dad, the lack of compassion for himself and all he's been through, the drinking, the possibly questionable relationships....

It's not uncommon for people who've experienced trauma - and growing up in a home with an abusive parent would be traumatic - to use alcohol to cope or to find comfort in the temporary escape it offers.

Nor is his fear of turning out like his dad - and the way it seems to utterly paralyse him and make him turn in on himself in hatred - unusual. It sounds like perhaps he struggles to have the same perspective and ability to rationalise that fear that you have? He's still got the understanding he had as a child that the bad things are happening because he is bad.

A good (childhood) trauma therapist could help him untangle all of this, see himself in a better more compassionate light, and find it easier to not be swept along in things. Processing the trauma would probably also make it easier for him to reduce the alcohol use etc.

Asking for counselling via a GP generally only leads to IAPT, which is usually tick box CBT (in this case, it would effectively be trying to fix symptoms and completely ignoring their causes) and unlikely to be with someone who has the skills to work on trauma like this anyway. However, some areas do have pilot programmes within the IAPT service offering trauma therapy for childhood or domestic abuse survivors. So it would be worth checking what's available.

Off the top of my head, NAPAC might be somewhere to start to identify more appropriate sources of help and support. Or identify appropriately skilled and qualified psychologists/therapists who work in private practice. If he does that it's normal practice to meet with several to see how you get on, if you feel they're the right fit, etc, before you commit to starting with one.

Of course, I've written all this on the assumption he'd be open to seeking out and accepting help and support in this way. If he's not ready yet, then make sure you have support for you at least.

I think he has a drink problem and a friend problem.
How about a period of not drinking and seeing a counsellor to help him deal with the past.
Then he can think about whether to permanently stop drinking or not.
I also agree with pp who said he is lying about how much he is drinking.

Op the problem is him. Either the drink or the frame of mind he gets in when out on a boys night.

The problem isn't his friends.