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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To marry so I'm legally protected?

16 replies

carva · 22/09/2018 09:02

Sorry it's REALLY long. I know how terrible this is and I hate that I'm in this situation and have become this cold and calculated but here goes...

Been with DP for six years, we have twin DDs (3). The children were the result of contraception failure and a shock to say the least! I had just finished a masters and was starting out on a new career path when I discovered I was pregnant, after a decade of minimum wage jobs.

Once they were born his true colours showed. He was useless, did pretty much nothing with them when they were newborns and just left me to drown while he worked all the hours under the sun (Self employed and relatively financially secure, so could have cut back for a little while). It was a sad and lonely time and my chest still hurts when I think back on my babies early months and how they should have been somewhat happy but thanks to him they were the worst days of my life.

I had a major discussion with him when they were a few months old and told him I was considering leaving if things didn't change. I wanted it to work but he needed to step up etc etc. he was genuinely shocked? He comes from a VERY traditional misogynistic background and it appears he fell into the same way of thinking once he became a father himself... he did get better for a while but I still do 95% of childcare.

I've been a SAHM since DDs were born, DD1 was diagnosed with an illness when she was 6 months old and it has meant regular hospital appointments and weekly therapy so I had no option really. She's thankfully doing well and doesn't require further treatment so I'm looking to get back to work ASAP.

DP is making this somewhat difficult, he acts like he's supportive on the outside and says encouraging things but when I've tried discussing the practicalities of both of us working he appears to be pretty unwilling to compromise on sharing pickups from nursery etc. he thinks it's not "worth" me going to work as it will actually cost money as my wage will be small. I've said I have to start somewhere and I need to get that experience or my wages will never go up. He also has dropped in some passive aggressive digs about "abandoning" the children. He's also insinuated in the past that I wouldn't survive if we split up and how I'd struggle. When I call him out on it he says he's joking and laughs it off. He's a very manipulative person, he's smart, cunning and outwardly admits to being very proficient at getting people to do what he wants. He says this happens "just at work" but clearly that's not true.

I feel like such a fool to have brought children into the world with this man . None of it was apparent to me until they were born and I'm constantly kicking myself for not spotting the signs.

Anyway to get to the AIBU. We're not married, he owns two houses, I own nothing. I know I'm screwed in the legal sense if I leave as the house is his. I have no money and no family living close. The job I want means I can't move back to my hometown as there are no work opportunities there in my field. Also he has his company set up in a way that he only pays himself a small wage so even if I look for child maintenance it would be a pittance as it would appear he is a low earner - when he really isn't! There's more but it's too outing and this post has become too long. Suffice to say I feel utterly trapped.

I'm considering marrying this man purely to give myself some legal security. He has mentioned marriage in the past and I have suspicions he is going to ask soon. Is it an absolutely awful thing to be considering? Should I just leave now and try and support my DC as best I can on a low income until my earnings gradually increase? I didn't pay towards his house so technically I have no right to expect to benefit from it and I know he will go to great lengths to ensure I don't get a penny... but I hate the thought of my DDs going without when their dad is quite well off. I'm sure he'd lavish them with presents etc if we split but rent, food, clothes will all be down to me and rent is crazy where we live so I don't know how I'd manage without drowning in debt... WWYD?

OP posts:
NobodyToVoteForNow · 22/09/2018 09:10

Don't do it unless you've also got £££££ so stashed somewhere in your own name to pay your legal fees when you decide to divorce him in a few years time. I speak from bitter experience. There's basically no legal aid any more, and without a very good solicitor youre likely to come away with little more than child maintenance, and even that isn't a given.

NobodyToVoteForNow · 22/09/2018 09:14

You might get half the house too, and the right to reside there until your children are grown. However, having met some truly awful solicitors over the past few years, including one who told me 'you've got nothing - you can't afford to live there, you'll have to rent privately through Housing Benefit" you can't really take amything for granted these days. Youd be better off focusing on finding a well paid job now and making arrangements to LTB

Subtlecheese · 22/09/2018 09:20

Don't. You say he admits he's manipulating you. You'd be better off focusing on your income for when he inevitably follows the misogynistic manipulator at work to It's predictable shagging the young colleague conclusion.

AnoukSpirit · 22/09/2018 09:24

You understand, I think, that this man is abusing you?

Abuse tends to escalate during or after pregnancy because they feel confident they have you too trapped to attempt to leave. Marriage causes the same issue. It's about power and control, violence only features as a means to that control where other tactics have not had the desired effect (from their point of view).

Ultimately I can only tell you what I would do. It may not be what you would do.

I would not want to legally tie myself to a man who was already abusing me (to quite an extent), especially where I was also already aware it was abuse.

I would be extremely concerned that his only reasoning for initiating marriage himself would be to tighten the noose and gain even greater control of you, and feel entitled to treat you even worse. This is usually why abusive men push for marriage. It actually frightens me for your safety.

Once married the only way you can extricate yourself from that is through divorce, which will still take years even if he agrees to it. Let's face it, he's unlikely to do this given how important it is to him to have control. Dragging out divorce as long as possible, and hurting you as much as possible along the way, will be more ways for him to have power and control over you. He's not going to agree to split his assets with you willingly, or be reasonable.

I don't know where you'd stand financially if you divorced him rapidly after marrying. But if you instead stayed with him for years, can you imagine how much he will have broken you by then? Or if you'll even have the strength left to try and leave?

I understand why you'd consider marrying, and I've seen it suggested here often enough, but I'd be seriously worried about you if you were a friend of mine telling me you were considering it in these circumstances.

If you instead left now, yes it would be difficult for a while, but you'd also be able to start rebuilding immediately. You'd be unchained from him immediately (children aside). You'd already be on the path to a better life, and you wouldn't have potentially years of legal wrangling through divorce ahead of you.

Marrying now would just delay the possibility of leaving until he's inflicted more damage on you (including restricting your job prospects further) followed by a protracted period of trying to get free of him.

Is part of your thought process the hope that marrying might fix things? Because if so, whilst totally understandable you would feel that way, it's really not what will happen.

I would leave now, and keep my eyes firmly fixed on the better future I was building for myself and my DCs. I would also stop blaming myself for his behaviour - we don't see it coming, otherwise they'd never get close enough to get their claws into us if they weren't convincing actors. It's not your fault.

Freedom Programme could help you get some clarity on what's going on. They won't judge, it's confidential, but it is worth your time: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

My life is unrecognisably better since I went on FP and then left - and better in ways I couldn't even have imagined back then. Yours could be too. I don't think marriage will do anything except make all of this worse and more difficult, so for that reason I really hope you feel able to leaver sooner rather than later and are able to make it happen.

Take care Flowers

Sicario · 22/09/2018 09:31

Very good advice from Anouk. Don't do it. Get out now and start building your future.

BrightLightsAndSound · 22/09/2018 09:33

Leave

AnoukSpirit · 22/09/2018 09:34

Women's Aid can also help you with practical points: 0808 2000 247

It is absolutely bad enough for you to call them and ask for their help, support and advice.

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 10:24

I see your logic but no, I wouldn't marry him.

CarrotCakeMuffins · 22/09/2018 10:41

I can understand your reasoning, but don't marry him.
It will only make your life more difficult and complicated especially when you inevitably divorce further down the line.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, you are intelligent and strong. It will be tough initially but you can make it work and will be doing the best thing for your children.

Best wishes

Doingreat · 22/09/2018 10:43

Don't marry him op. Divorcing him will destroy you. He will enjoy prolonging agony and enjoy watching you suffer. Plan your exit from this abusive man.

carva · 22/09/2018 15:39

Thank you all, I suppose I know deep down it's the wrong decision. I'm just so stuck and trying to figure a way out of things which will minimize the girl's suffering - emotionally, financially every which way. I'm just paralyzed with indecision and change my mind every day on what route to take.

OP posts:
carva · 22/09/2018 15:43

Thank you Anouk. You're spot on, I do think marriage would be like control for him. He'd think I wouldn't leave a marriage as quickly as I would a cohabiting relationship.

I suppose my reasoning was I'd let him think that while I got on with planning my departure, but you're right of course, I may well be less likely to leave the longer it goes on... thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate the insight.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 22/09/2018 15:53

The reason he doesn't want you to work is because it won't benifit him in anyway. He will have to step up as a parent and do some childcare or pay for childcare - don't fall into the trap of just you paying it's a joint family bill.

Get a job and get some experience.

StylishMummy · 22/09/2018 16:01

@carva I'd get a job ASAP, leave and claim child support through the CSA

as a lone parent you're likely to get tax credits, child benefit and also a reduction in cost of council tax

This man is toxic

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2018 16:01

I also see your logic but divorce won't necessarily see you walking off with one of the houses plus a good chunk of his savings and or pension - and this is even if he agrees to go along with the process.

Say you got married today; at what point would you intend to divorce? Anything shorter than 5/7 years is pretty much a fling, so to speak in the eyes of the court. How many years are you wiling to sacrifice to then divorce but be in a mentally, emotionally and financially worse position than you are in now?

Divorce will not only take years; it will come at a huge cost to you, and indeed he will enjoy being obstructive and causing you suffering throughout it.

You sound pretty solid of mind - and yes you have a mightily daunting task ahead of you - take it a step at a time. I agree that working 'at a loss' for some years is the price to pay to build up the necessary experience to go further - his reasoning is a fallacy. I'd encourage any woman to always keep a foot in the door of her career (sorry for the tangent).

greendale17 · 22/09/2018 16:02

Don’t marry him.

Focus on leaving him now with your kids

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