To ask how you get rid of anger and resentment towards ex MIL?

[helpme18]

Split from ex 6 months ago, I felt so relieved knowing I never had to deal with him or his mother again.

She's put me through a lot, her presence made me uncomfortable and my anxiety would hit the roof when I knew she was coming round, which was 2-3 times a week! Ex didn't give a shit, his house/his mum.

I have so much anger and resentment towards her, I keep replaying everything that happened and the things she used to say to me during arguments. She's NC with her second daughter and 2 adult grandchildren, now she doesn't like her eldest daughters boyfriend, her relationships doesn't last long, she has no female friends. Only two male friends that she sees few times a year. So I know I'm not the problem. I did everything I could to get on with the woman.

Please help me handle my emotions

Why are you worrying about her? She is no longer in your life.

You need to stop letting her have power over you. Write it all down, get it out of your system and then ceremonially rip the damn lot up andcsay goodbye forever to all that rubbish. Whenever the thoughts creep back stop what you are doing and say to yourself ‘No, not letting her still have power over me’ and refuse to acknowledge them - go and do something else to distract you, anything but think!

Well of course you feel anger and resentment. What's wrong with that?

How you act on your emotions is an entirely different matter.

Are you thinking about her a lot?

You are probably displacing your anger at yourself for not leaving your ex sooner.

You could try having a big "why" rant. Do it speaking out loud (important) when on your own or write it down. Have a rant, then for each pissed off feeling think "Why does that matter?" and "Why not?". Then go through layers and layers until you find your answer that gives you a feeling of acceptance or finality.

Grrr that time she came in and made snide comments about my new boots.
Why does that matter?
So rude
Why does that matter?
I don't like rude people
Why does that matter?
She was in my house
Why does that matter?
I couldn't tell her to leave
Why does that matter?
I should have control over who is in my home but I didn't have control.
Why not?
I would have had to be rude and forceful
Why does that matter?
I cannot bear to have people think badly of me
Why not?
in non-rant manner, etc.

I remember reading an article about this after dealing with a very unpleasant person in my life who I kept dwelling on. (He was out of my life and had no further impact on me but I couldn't let it go). Basically feeling angry is fairly addictive (especially when you are genuinely hard done by) and you have to break the cycle. Every time you start thinking about her you need to immediately change your chain of thought - one piece of advice was to do a long division in your head or try to remember the ingredients to a favourite recipe whatever it takes to divert your thoughts to something else. Repeat as long as required.

Another vote for writing her a letter and then burn it. It gets everything straight in your head and it feels like you're saying it directly to the person. Very therapeutic.

I hate my MIL my DH cut her out of our life when she decided to slag me of for no reason at all a few weeks back.....

Thank you so much for your replies, I will write a long letter and burn it .

@someonekillbabyshark to be honest I don't think I could cut my mum off just because she didn't get on with my DH, because she's still my mother at the end of the day. What I would do is to keep them separate, and make sure they never had to be around each other. My ex couldn't even do that, I didn't even ask him to cut his mum off or anything like that. I just asked him to go to his mums house when he wanted to see her, and not let her come to our house. He refused.

Imagine someone calling you names and all sorts, and next day they're walking around your house giving you dirty looks, and there's nothing you can do about it.

@helpme18 me MIL is the devil, she screamed down the phone at my DH whilst I was bleeding out after just having a baby because we didn't tell her the second I went into labour, falls out with us every year before DD birthday and doesn't send her a card or wish her happy birthday she's the devil

I think MIL just don't want there son to have another woman in there life

It matters less and less with every passing year I promise you. I hated my xmil after i left my x because she set out to portray me as mad. Mad = didn't want to be bullied by two people. I never think of her now. I almost feel like showing her some kindness now but I never get around to it.

Why do you need to get rid of the anger and resentment? You no longer have to see her... EVER if you don’t want to.
Your rage will dissipate over time, but you’ll likely always hate her.

I think initially the anger and rage might be useful when new boundaries are being set. If you felt too forgiving too quickly she'd be urinating around your new life too. This keeps the boundary UP, sky high, until she moves on.

Get a dart board, cover it in her photos and crack on.
Best therapy imo!