To wonder how people fall asleep during an argument

[MrsHoodwink]

My OH always falls asleep during an argument (if it’s in bed/bedtime of course). He works long hours and gets up at 5:30am so he’s understandably tired, BUT I just don’t understand how you can happily fall asleep mid-conversation especially if one or both of us is really upset.

He is generally a fantastic sleeper and can sleep on cue, which drives me mad as I’m an insomniac But i can’t sleep (even worse than normal) if arguments aren’t resolved and I end up bottling everything up or sending huge rambling messages to try and get things off my chest.

I can imagine that drives him mad but AIBU thinking people normally can’t nod off

Not little arguments like “who should do the dishes” but whalloping big “should we break up” ones

Not mid conversation but if I'm upset or angry I sleep

Why are you having so many arguments??

Some people don't want to argue?

I couldn't be arsed having someone argue with me when I was in bed and knackered, I would ignore them and go to sleep.

my dh is the same and I usually lie there listening to him snore (loudly) while I argue with him in my head all night

He's trying to tell you something- back off. He doesn't want to argue. Not many people do.

Sheer exhaustion here ...we have a stupendously busy life and often the only chance we have to talk is at bedtime

It's done us both favours actually as quite often one or other of us is rowing because we are tired and stressed rather than it being a big thing so sleeping on it solves a lot of issues

We both feel quite protective over the other ones sleep as we get so little and particularly DP worries if I start losing sleep as it makes me ill and unhappy and he's the same so we can both say "I need sleep" and it halts the argument because the other ones health and wellbeing s more important

However if we are that tired we will often just fall asleep in the middle and that's that it's very rarely serious enough for it to continue on waking but if it is we talk about it

When I was seriously depressed I would fall asleep when stressed as a means of escape. Particularly when I couldn't actually leave the situation. Not making excuses for your partner, who may just be an arsehole, but it could be a psychological escape mechanism. Especially if it happens every time you're arguing.

Stop arguing with him at bedtime and he won't fall asleep. Talk ( not fight) with him when you're both rested and sort it out. Sounds like you're more pissed off about the fact he can sleep anywhere and you're an insomniac. Sort your problem out and things might get better

Agreed! I couldn't think of anything worse tbh

There’s so many points mentioned from the other point of view that I hadn’t even considered, thank you

I really do need to deal with my insomnia as it does make me resent that he can sleep so easily, I’m willing to admit

Also I’ve never really thought about the fact that health-wise he could just really need to go sleep because I don’t ever have that feeling myself... and I should probably be more understanding about it

Is this is a frequent problem (the arguments about splitting up never mind him falling asleep mid row) then you have a bigger problem.

Why are you together?

Don't argue at bedtime. Put a pin in it.

Depends on the fight for me (although I can't remember the last time I had one).

There are times they've got me so riled up that it's infuriating to watch the other person drift off, and other times when I've felt so distressed that sleep just sucks me in like a defence mechanism to get away from it.

Always annoying to be the left awake party though.

We don’t have loads and loads of arguments by the way, just so happened to have had one tonight but I never see him until bedtime because of work shifts which is why any problems always come out at bedtime

I’ve just realised that sometimes I even accidentally cause the argument by correctly assuming he’s going to fall asleep when I have something important to say

My DH and I used to argue loads late at night and because we were both tired, we would be harsher to each other. We now have a rule of no arguing after 10pm, it has to wait til the next morning which is working well so far

This caused my parents divorce eventually. My dad, when stressed, falls asleep. It's like a defence mechanism or something? My mum couldn't deal with it (They were very young).

Having known him an awful lot of years I confidently say stress makes him sleep. I seem to.remeber a study years ago about it which xonfirmed its a "thing".

DH is the same, very laid back and will fall asleep instantly. He will keep talking to me as he falls asleep, then stop mid sentence.

My DP does this and it drives me insane!

I totally understand how frustrating it is and have done the 'continuing argument in my head' thing, the problem is the next morning he's the rational one coming at it with a clear head and I'm cranky through lack of sleep and annoyed about the things iv imagined he said 😂

Iv learnt to bite my tongue if I'm annoyed at nighttime and just talk about it the next day - it's better for both of us that way.

I'm one of those people who get's very fatiged when sad or feeling anguised. I have a physical necessity to lay down and sleep.

If my partner were to start an argument when i was in bed preparing myself to sleep after a whole days work it would be torture for me. My ex wife used to do this after 11pm and i still remember how desperate and tired i felt. She wanted to talk about our problems when all i wanted was to rest and sleep. I also felt like she had an unfair expectation that i'd be rational and reasonable right at the moment i was exhausted and close to collapsing from tiredness.

I suggest that if you need to have a serious talk you start it before bed when he is still up or the next day in the morning.

Good psychological/physiological answer for why he falls asleep.
Has he had abuse issues in the past by any chance, or severe trauma?
Put very simply........Wanting to sleep/going to sleep is a survival mechanism in response to high stress.
The arguing needs to stop. Something is triggering him. He is shutting down.
Ask any psychologist.