AIBU grandparent issues

[Cheeseenthusiast]

Hello mumsnet,

First time user here looking for advice, I guess I'll just get to the story. I'll try to keep it short.

My grandparents divorced when my mum was a toddler. As a result my mum didnt have a relationship with her dad, we reconnected with him nearly ten years ago when I was a teenager. I couldn't invite him to my wedding because my grandmother still holds a grudge. Before the wedding there was an argument where some horrible things were said about my grandad (by people who have never met him) I messaged the family member responsible asking them to please not argue with any family at my wedding and urged them to apologise to the people they hurt. This resulted in a huge argument. The family member chose not to attend the wedding, my grandma did come but may as well not have and has since made it clear she stands with the other family member. I tried to speak to her three times on the day and she blanked me and left as soon as the meal was over. We haven't spoken since. Fast forward over a year and I decided to try and mend the relationship by inviting them all to a Christmas meal (including the family member who did not come to the wedding and has since made it clear she wants nothing to do with us but hey ho thought I'd try anyway). My grandma texted me back saying "I'll get back to you" and I haven't heard anything for a few days now. Am I being unreasonable to be upset? How long should I leave it before saying anything further? I can promise you I have not said a bad word to anyone throughout this whole ordeal and simply asked for everyone to respect our right to have a relationship with my grandad. I thought my grandma would want to fix things too but she clearly doesn't care enough about me to want to continue a relationship.

There are obviously lots of ins and outs on top of this but it would end up being a book trying to explain it all so that's the long story as short as possible. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Your grandmother is clearly still hurt and feeling disrespected, and you probably don't know the truth about their relationship. Can you imagine putting a bad (abusive?) relationship behind you half a lifetime ago, protecting your kids from someone and then being told by your grandchild that they 'have a right to a relationship' with someone you never wanted to hear of again? Or being left to do the hard work as a single parent and then have the man who buggered off and left you swan in years later to be good old grandad?

Go and see your grandmother and apologise for hurting her. Listen to why she wanted this man out of yours and your mother's lives, but be clear that people can change and that you and your mum have a relationship with your grandfather. Better to have a heart to heart with your grandma than put her under pressure to gloss over the hurt and pretend it's all ok. The 'horrible things' may well be true, and known by people who were there at the time, which you weren't.

Its a tough one.
Why did they divorce? There must a be a reason for such animosity on her and family members behalf. Maybe she had it incredibly tough after the divorce and is angry he's waltzed into the family so easily after not being bothered for so long? And she feels you've picked him over her?

Sorry im no help but just trying to see what she could possibly be thinking, from her point of view. Be it justified or not. Maybe you need to sit down and have a chat one on one and get to the root of the issue. If you have had a great relationship with you gran beforehand, its worth seeing if that can be salvaged by hearing her side of the story.

Do you know why they divorced? Is this abuse/mistreatment or just hurt pride? The answer to that will greatly affect the answers you get here. I see a poster has already decided which but I can't tell from your op

The horrible things were said by someone who was born 20 years after they divorced and wasn't there either. I can't say it's been a particularly close relationship up till this point no. They divorced because it was a violent relationship (from both sides I'd like to point out) my grandmother was abusive to my mum as she was growing up. My grandad didn't leave my mum through choice either she didn't allow there to be a relationship and he continued to keep trying to contact my mum up until the point we met him. I've tried to speak with her about it which is usually meet with a torrent of abuse hurled at me. I just personally feel you can't condemn one person for exhibiting the same behaviour you have and think you are in the right. I've taken no sides and assured my grandmother that I love her etc when all this started. Please don't assume that I dont know what happened and didn't ask or have these conversations when beginning a relationship with my grandad, I've been very respectful to everyone involved I can assure you.

If it's as you say and both were at fault then it sounds like your grandmother is irked that you've either seen that or that you can see past it. If you 'forgave' him then you would have had to have 'forgiven' her and it seems she's too ignorant to see that.

You sound like you've tried to make it work for all involved, but I wouldn't keep chasing her. You've done nothing wrong and she's punishing you. Try to move on and don't give her any more of your headspace - she'll come round I'm sure if you stop making the effort. But do stop apologising regardless, you've done nothing wrong.

My ILs are like this, MIL rules who is allowed to speak to who and you’re cut off if you don’t obey her. I’m cut off😂

Ignore her OP, she sounds nasty. Live your life on yourctwrms, not hers.

yourctwrms? your terms