to be finding being a step-parent-figure hard at the moment?

[TonightAtNine]

I'm 27, 34 weeks pregnant with my first, and have been with my partner for four years. He has a 7 year old daughter, and we all function as a fairly normal family unit (I think!).

I understand, being a parent is FAR harder than being a step-parent. I'm about to realise this even further when baby is born. (I don't refer to myself as step-mum, I'm just her dad's partner but it's far easier on here).

I would've thought however that after four years I would be finding it a LITTLE bit easier. But I'm not. I still don't know where the line is, aka 'am I allowed to tell her off now or should I leave it to Dad?', 'she wants to know how babies are born, if it were my daughter I would tell her the truth, but is it my place?' (I decided it wasn't), etc etc. Things like the fact that she still needs to ask to get a drink of water and to put her uniform on in the morning... fine! But if it were me I would be trying to encourage her to start doing these things herself as she's nearly 8. I feel like I can't mention it to her dad as he will think I'm trying to say she's got flaws or isn't good enough, so I just don't say anything and keep letting him baby her.

I don't know, I'm ready to get slated on here. I think I'm just anxious about baby arriving and how the dynamic is going to change. I'm worried about how I can ensure she doesn't feel pushed out when baby arrives but also ensure she behaves as she can act out sometimes, about my complete lack of input in to her upbringing (I don't expect an input, but it's still difficult having a child live in your house which you aren't essentially raising as a parent). I worry about how I'm going to cope with a baby, with my partner at work a lot of the time, and lots of one on one time with his daughter. I worry about her, and that she's going to see this new baby as a threat, and how to manage that to ensure she's okay and feels loved and an equal to this baby.

AIBU to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all?

I know my post is a little vague, sorry about that. I'm just having a bit of a wobble this morning. Lack of sleep getting to me possibly!

YANBU to be concerned about when the baby comes. If you are going to be spending a lot of one on one time with her, then you need to sit down with your partner and discuss your concerns. Ask what boundaries he feels comfortable with and what decisions he wants to make regarding his daughter. At 7 she is perfectly capable of getting dressed and getting herself a drink. You should point out that when there is a new born in house that neither of you will have time to be doing this for her.

This is somthing really you should have say down and talked over with dh before moving in I am afraid

Men are much worse at factoring in the children privous when meeting somone new

It’s very likey she will act out highly better to prepare for this than not most children do step child or not when a new son comes along

The trick is include her
As her to help you choose a pram make her opinion really matter and make sure she is the first person to vist and hold baby

Yes over your own mother over your own sisters if she can’t get to the hospital for 3 days then EVERY one else has to wait then you get to tell her we have been waiting for you we would not let eveyone have a hold until you did

And make sure when people come they spend at least 5 minutes talking to her before they engage with any cooing over baby

I agree with BooRadley35

About sitting with dh hiwveer not about the letting her get on with it once baby comes it’s likey it will make her more pushed out she will need some assurance and sometimes children regress when a son comes along

You need to have a long discussion with your DP about your step parent role. You WILL need to manage your step daughter’s behaviour around the baby. There will be no way around this

Are you left alone with her, while your DP is at work?

I don’t think you necessarily have to ‘tell her off’ however you will need some input if your DP isn’t there.

If you are trusted to have sole charge of her then of course you can discipline her if she needs it. If your DP isn't happy with that he needs to make alternate arrangements for her care.

Just tell him that's how it's going to be. DCs respond well to firm but fair discipline but will take advantage if they can. Draw firm guidelines and make sure she understand them. I think 1981 is being overly precious, frankly.

Include her as far as possible but it won't always be possible so explain to her what's happened while she wasn't around so she still feels included. When the baby arrives get her to help you with simple chores (always supervised) but don't insist.

She should be among the first to visit but if that isn't possible it would be daft to not let others visit.

Does she live with you op? It sounds like she does. I think that's actually slightly different to being a 'part time' step mum.

I've always been a weekend step mum and would say that it's incredibly difficult to 'discipline' a child that doesn't live with you ft. It's also hard for the nrp too - the dynamics are very different as usually the rp has most say over how a child is raised - which is fine if both parents share similar parenting styles but often they don't.

But if she's living with you most of the time, then I think you have more of a say in what happens and how in your home, because you're all together for such a long amount of time.

Fwiw, I totally understand what you mean and it doesn't matter how much you and your dp talked about it before it happened, it's very different living the experience.

I would echo that you have to try to ensure there are no divisions between her and your dc. That does begin at birth and involving her as much as possible. We told my dsds I was pregnant before anyone else, they got to hold their baby brother before anyone else. When dd was born they were almost adults, but we gave dsd a front door key and reiterated that it's their home too, to come and go as they please.

My own ds had a difficult few weeks after dd was born, so please be prepared for a few difficult weeks with your dsd too. He was 6 when she was born and we explained that there were things he could do to really us - such as getting himself dressed in the mornings - but also by 'watching' dd if we popped out of the room, letting him hold her etc.

With dsd I've always acted more like a gentle but honest friend, which seems to have worked but that's because dh has stepped up to discipline when necessary.

In terms of telling her how babies are born, presumably your dp knows her well and has a view on whether or not to tell her? Does he speak to her mum?

Thanks to those who have replied. We did talk about everything before we moved in. We talked about a lot of it before I even met his daughter, but this was 3.5 years ago. We continuously talk about things when we need to but of course sometimes things are left to just run their course and communication fails a little. I think this is fair to say with most relationships. Because we function well as a unit, it's easy sometimes to just let things continue as they are.

She lives with us 50% of the time, sometimes more as her mum is away for work a fair bit and we never say no to having her. DP is usually happy when he's asked if he can have her longer as he misses her a lot. I prefer it when she is around as it makes DP very happy (and they go out sometimes for dad/daughter days and I get the house to myself ).

Yes over your own mother over your own sisters if she can’t get to the hospital for 3 days then EVERY one else has to wait then you get to tell her we have been waiting for you we would not let eveyone have a hold until you did

I'm not sure I agree with this? I don't know that I would stop my family from meeting their first grandchild, niece/nephew etc so DPs daughter gets to hold them first? It's irrelevant to be honest as we have an agreement with her mum that when baby is born her grandma will pick her up and bring her to meet him/her. I do however think it would be odd to do this however as I'm going to want my family around me, especially my mum and Dad, to help me and DP in the first few days. Of course I want his daughter to feel included, as included as possible, but I don't think the best way to do this is to exclude others. My mum is a retired midwife and my dad is a GP, they're good to have around

@LittleLionMansMummy he doesn't speak to her mum unless it's in regards to childcare, birthdays etc but they don't have a bad relationship. They just have no reason to speak to each other. To be honest, I think it's down to mum to explain about childbirth. It's a conversation I had with my mum and I came to the decision not to tell her, as it's not my place really. No biggie, just those extra things you have to think about...

Why is being a biological parent harder?

@LostInShoebiz in the grand scheme of things I would presume it is. Maybe I'm wrong, my baby isn't born yet so I can't speak from experience. As a parent though I can imagine you have a lot more of an emotional attachment to the child, you worry a lot more, you are much more financially responsible for the child, you can't say 'no I've got plans tonight' when your child needs looking after (I can do this and DP never expects me to look after his daughter over him unless it's prearranged). I imagine being a parent is extremely emotionally taxing at times. My baby isn't born yet and I have far, far more worry for him/her and the future than I ever have for DPs daughter. Not because I don't love her, of course I do. It's just... different I guess...

@Claw001 sometimes I'm alone with when he's at work but it will only usually be for an hour in the evening or an hour in the morning if I am doing the school run. I work full time and she is in school.

Then you’re a partner to a parent and not a step parent. I am a step parent and I have financial responsibilities, am involved in discipline and am as emotionally invested as I would be in my own children. All against the background of knowing I am not the ‘real’ parent. Take it from me, it’s a bit more complicated and based on that I’d say it was harder.

Perhaps you need to try not to feel so differently about the two children. You can see it might be damaging for the older one’s self esteem when this new baby you already care about much more comes along and disrupts her life massively?

To be honest, I think it's down to mum to explain about childbirth

Yes I understand you don't want to assume the responsibility of a mum in explaining this to her. My point though is that in those kinds of situations, isn't your dp, as the other 'biological' parent equally responsible for these kinds of conversations?

@LostInShoebiz I do understand what you're saying, however I don't think you can try to feel a certain way about a child. I feel how I feel, I love her but not in the same way that I will love my own baby, and as long as I never show this and they are treated the same, how I feel really doesn't matter.

I think it's great that you are as emotionally invested in your step kids as you are in your own. I personally find it hard to believe I will ever love DPs daughter in the same way as I would love my own children, but who knows. As I said, baby isn't born yet.

I'm not claiming to be her step parent. It makes no sense for me to have financial responsibility over her when she has her mum and Dad paying in to her savings, paying her club fees, etc etc. Just like our child will have two parents. Everyday stuff like food and meals out etc of course are shared between me and DP, but she has two parents and doesn't need an extra person taking on this kind of financial responsibility. Especially not before we are married and have amalgamated our accounts in to a joint one.

I think all 'blended' families are different. No written rules and I'm just trying my best at the moment but feeling a little anxious.

@LittleLionMansMummy yes absolutely but he agreed that her mum should explain it as it would likely be more comfortable for everyone that way.

I'm a parent and a step parent.

I've been a step parent longer than I've been a parent and honestly I still find being a step parent hard. Harder than being a parent.

Luckily I have a great relationship with my DHs children and they all adore their new sibling.

So no. YANBU. But it sounds like your doing a great job. Good Luck, OP and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks @allysally - I fully admit that as my baby hasn't been born yet I can only guess what being a parent is like so I may be entirely wrong in thinking being a parent is harder. Thanks though that's really kind. I'm sure it will all be fine in the end and despite all of this worry I am beyond excited for them to meet each other

Look at the title of this thread. You are absolutely claiming to be a step parent. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think it's obvious what I mean. I even explained that I don't use the term step-parent and that it's just easier to use in the context of this thread.

I don't refer to myself as step-mum, I'm just her dad's partner but it's far easier on here

^ I don't think I could've made it clearer that I don't actually refer to myself as her step-mum.

Hey op your doing great I'm sure and congrats on pregnancy. Honestly I found being a parent way easier than a step parent! We also have DSC 50%.
My baby is 11 weeks nowthe kids all have bonded with the baby, but the ex has made life slightly difficult. So prepare that this might happen.
I'm sure it's been said but easy tasks work - we did tye dying before baby was born. Kids made t shirts for dad and themselves and then baby grows for baby. Baby wore them in first few weeks, along with lots of ohhh look how much he like x that you made for him.
My dsd also likes to choose babies out fits for the day, like dressing a doll and to play with him.
It will get easier, some 1:1 time just them ndad helps and gives you a break as you will find yourself exhusted for first few weeks. I found adjusting post birth while being exhusted and having pnd made life very hard, so be kind to yourself!

Lost, she clearly says she's the partner of the dad.

Lost seems like you're being deliberately goady.

I'm a step mum and a mum and it is a million times harder being a step parent!

Good luck

Also stepmum or partner of a dad or whatever it is all fucking semantics. You're in the child's life and you are about to give them a step sibling. What you call the relationship really doesn't matter one bit!