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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect brother to pay his share?????

22 replies

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 20:00

OK its a long story so will stick to the point!
My mum died in Oct 2005 and her insurance policy only covered cost of funeral. At the time it was agreed that all children (6 of us) would each put £100 into an account set up by me to help pay for a headstone. A deadline for this was set for last year! Noone except me and my younger sister put in to fund! It got to the point in Jan that me and sis were so upset we rang our siblings and demanded money as we were ordering!
All siblings agreed to pay money and in Jan a deadline of April was given.

Ordered headstone that cost £600 and have paid £500 off it which is what was in account thanks to 5 of us. 3 of sibling paid in immediately. Only one brother hasnt contributed despite promising to pay and also despite earning a firtune and constantly boasting about new TV etc he has just bought!

Headstone will be ready ion less than 2 weeks BUT we have to pay £100 upon fitting which brother hasnt put into account yet.

Sister is getting married in 5 weeks and brother has emailed saying he has booked posh hotel for him and family to stay in when they come up (live 280 miles away!).

Sister and I think he is well out of order booking a hotel when he still has to pay £100 so we rang him and told him if he doesnt put money in ASAP then he is not welcome at the wedding. Sister and I really feel he is out of order as it will be US who will have to find this money if he doesnt pay. He has just ranted at us and hung up.

So were we unreasonable??

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 20:02

am off to eat now so am not being ignorant! TIA for answering.

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 20:47

lol ok then maybe we are being unreasonsable!!
BUMP??????

OP posts:

sparklygothkat · 10/06/2007 20:49

I think your brother is being very selfish tbh

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 20:51

phew, thanks for replying!

Im just in shock TBH that he hasnt payed, it was his mum too and we aere very lucky not to have to pay for the funeral.

OP posts:

BreeVanDerCamp · 10/06/2007 20:53

Every time he boasts about his latest purchase, I would mutter headstones are cheaper.

LynetteScavo · 10/06/2007 20:54

Does your brother not want to pay because he didn't get on with your mother? There seems to be some isue here. It would be really sad if you fell out with him about this. If I were you, I'd get the stone mason to bill your brother directly, if they will agree to do that.

sparklygothkat · 10/06/2007 20:55

I think that your brother is being disrepectful to your mum. He ov. doesn't think that a headstone is important enough. Its only £100, its not like he has to fork out for the whole lot

kimi · 10/06/2007 20:56

I think you need to ask him why he has not paid up.

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:00

He didnt get on with mum BUt when she died we all agreed that past was past. He has already agreed to pay his share and even when we rang in Jan he said no problem. We rang him to tell him headstone would be fitted back in MArch and he also said no problem he would put money into account BUT still nothing has appeared. When questioned he says he will pay but nothing appears!!
Will email mason and see if he can bill direct to brother but not sure if that will work as it is me and sister who has sorted it all. They may not fit it without the final money!

OP posts:

BrothelSprouts · 10/06/2007 21:01

I think I would have kept the wedding as a seperate issue, tbh.
I would advise the funeral directors of your brothers name and address, and tell them that he is responsible for the outstanding amount.
If he refuses to pay then they will no doubt add other charges to the account, and probably instruct debt collectors.
I think it is a despicable thing for him to do, and I can understand why you are so furious with him.

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:05

The reason we said we would prefer him not to come to wedding is we know that once other siblings know he hasnt paid (and they would know cos headstone wouldnt be fitted!) there will be a big fight. We are not a close family. We have alot of issues and every time we get together there is always possibility of fight so sis and i feel we should take the problem away. Also brother is a big poser and wouls show up flashing his cash to everyone despite not contributing to his own mothers headstone. ALSO if he dont pay up sis will be £50 short which would have to come off catering and therfore he will not be catered for (or his wife and 2 kids!)

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 10/06/2007 21:31

How will your sister be £50 worse off for catering? I'm confused...

I think telling him he wouldn't be welcome at the wedding due to not paying up for the headstone was very childish.

I think you're as unreasonable as eachother here - he's unreasonable not to pay up but to link this to his attendance at the wedding is emotional blackmail and not nice IMO.

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:33

you are right it is emotional blackmail. HAve just rang him again and he is on the phone stoned on dope saying he cant pay! Pardon me for being pissed off aboput a brother who can afford drugs but cant pay for his muyms headstone.

Sister will be short as with a wedding to pay for everything is budgeted and she will now have to pay £50 more to headstone so that money has to come from somewhere!!!

OP posts:

RIELOVESBACARDI · 10/06/2007 21:37

tell him you don't want the money and split the cost between the rest of you.. tell him hes not welcome at the wedding or his mothers graveside

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:38

It took alot to get the monwy out of the other siblings so cannot face another whip round for the rest of money so responsibility does fall to me and my sister.
Problem is now is sister is sayiong she cant find money so looks like it will be all down to be AGAIN!!
Am just going to see if i can extend overdraft!

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RIELOVESBACARDI · 10/06/2007 21:40

bless it always end up with just one person doing it all... your mother will be looking down on you and be very proud

RIELOVESBACARDI · 10/06/2007 21:40

i know it don't help with the money but at least you have done the right thing

fireflyfairy2 · 10/06/2007 21:43

Why does your sister have to pay £50 more??

Surely if there are 5 other siblings, then £20 each more would cover it??

I'm afraid to say it as I might get yelled at, but you seem a little jealous of your brother having so much money. Sorry if I am wrong & this is not the case.

I agree that the wedding is a seperate issue to the headstone & you were rude to say that he wasn't welcome unless he paid up.

I would stay out of it now, either let the stone mason bill your brother or all pay £20 extra & let your brother live with his own conscience.

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:49

As i said before we are not a close family and it took 17 months before the other siblings paid money! Infact one even threw money at my sister and said not to ask her for anything else! All siblings have seen order and recipts so they know where the money has gone. To get £20 from each is going to be so hard especially as it took 17 months to get £100 and we only have 2 weeks till due date!! If my sister doesnt pay £50 then i habve to pay FULL AMOUNT of £100 even though i have already paid £100. I am not rich, i am overdrwan like most people and £100 is ALOT of extra money for me to be able to afford. Im not sure where i will find it but it looks like im going to have to!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 10/06/2007 21:50

It's patently obvious that he doesn't want to contribute. As you say, he never got on with his mum.

While he said that he wanted to contribute, his actions show that he doesn't. You can't force him to do it.

I agree, another £20 from all of you will cover it and you will all have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your mum proud. He didn't, but then as siblings you all had different relationships with her, and his was not good; leave it at that. You will all know that he didn't want to contribute and he was very 'small' about it. Take it as a tribute to you and your siblings and a reflection on his character.

Making it into a tit for tat argument and barring him from a wedding is heading you all towards the petty IMO. Don't let him lead you there.

Original poster

bonkerz · 10/06/2007 21:52

problem is that i now wont be able to go to sisters hen night and she is talking about cancelling and also not sure if i can go to a wedding and be nice to him when he is so selfish. Sister doesnt want him there either BTW as he is being so horrid about this.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 10/06/2007 22:08

I just think at some point you have to let it go. You are doing a lovely thing for your mum, the last thing you can do. Congratulate yourself on that - if it means you can't go to a hen night, or she cancels, then in the great scheme of things, that doesn't matter.

The most fantastic hen night can be had at home, with a cheap bottle of plonk or two, a chick flick and some nail varnish or something! A hen night doesn't have to cost.

I just think you need to think positively around the whole issue. Sort the money as best you can and be proud of yourself for doing it, and just forget the rest. It's really not worth all the angst. And HE'S not feeling this angst - it's only you and your siblings who are - you're shooting yourselves in the foot!

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