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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

You look good 'for a Mum' AIBU?

24 replies

Morgan14 · 20/09/2018 18:26

AIBU to not take this as a compliment and actually find it quite offensive?

A guy I've been chatting to said this to me. I want to tell him to f off but I want to put it in a way that effectively describes why. I'm not good with words. Please help MN....

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 18:27

YABU. Being a mother is terribly aging/fattening.

Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 18:27

As for the fellow just stop talking to him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2018 18:28

YANBU. What a stupid thing for anyone to say.

If that’s what he thinks you could try to explain why he’s an idiot but he doesn’t sound bright enough to understand so I don’t think I’d bother tbh.

MissionItsPossible · 20/09/2018 18:30

Sounds like a clumsy compliment but I can understand why you find it offensive. Either tell him to fuck off or just stop talking if it’s not that serious between you or actually tell him you find it offensive and explain why if it’s something you want to continue.

whatthefoxsaid · 20/09/2018 18:31

Ignore racecardriver they're on a mission today.
I would find it a bit of an insult too but have to agree that I wouldn't be arsed enough to pull him up on it. Would get a raised eyebrow from me.

NoProbLlama78 · 20/09/2018 18:32

Are you chatting online? If so just stop. Not worth the bother

Alienspaceship · 20/09/2018 18:32

So patronising. Well done you, you’re a mum so you can’t expect to look good. So it’s great that you look ok ish.

Noodge · 20/09/2018 18:33

That would really piss me off.

bengalcat · 20/09/2018 18:34

Well clearly his expectation is that somehow being a mum diminishes your 'looks ' etc - idiot

SleepWarrior · 20/09/2018 18:37

I don't think I'd waste time getting terribly offended by it (A pp said clumsy compliment which sounds about right) but I'm not sure I could be very attracted to someone who saw me as anything "for a mum".

It sounds like everything is being viewed through the lens of/compared to a more preferable childless woman. Perhaps overthinking it though!

Original poster

Morgan14 · 20/09/2018 18:45

Perhaps over thinking. I'm not hugely offended but it is a massive turn off though

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 20/09/2018 18:47

OMG this has reminded me of a date I went on years back, I was 26 the guy was around 23.
First date, peck on lips goodbye.
Text afterwards from him along the lines of, enjoyed our date, I’ve never kissed someone who has a child before, I quite liked it!!!!!!!

LuluBellaBlue · 20/09/2018 18:48

Oh and sorry OP, yes I would find it a massive turn off as it’s his whole perspective on women / motherhood and how would you be able to change that

GulliverUnravels · 20/09/2018 18:52

What a prize twat. I once got chatted up by a guy while I was wearing short denim cutoffs - when I told him I was married he looked me up and down dubiously and said, "Really? You don't LOOK married". Obviously in some mens' worlds wives are supposed to cover up and mothers are supposed to look like crap Agreed: massive turnoff.

randomchap · 20/09/2018 18:57

It could be that he's trying a pick up technique called negging.

Or he could just be a bit lacking in social graces.

Haireverywhere · 20/09/2018 18:58

I don't think anything you can say in a couple of lines will change his attitude OP. You could just stop talking to him of course but if you were going to date then I'd be inclined to say you've been put off by this because of what you've inferred from it, then disappear. I agree it was a clumsy compliment akin to that's "impressive you can do X" (being a woman/mum/working mum etc).

More2Fly · 20/09/2018 18:59

Tell him he looks good for someone with no clue how to talk to women

blackvelvetband · 20/09/2018 19:06

It's a clumsy thing to say with an undercurrent of truth.
At work, I was once introduced to new employees who were about to join my team. One of them loves led a bit frazzled / dishevelled. I recognised the look from my friends and I and could only conclude that she must have small children.
When I asked her how many kids she had, she was Understandably really offended!!

JaneJeffer · 20/09/2018 19:37

Tomatoesrock · 20/09/2018 19:45

I was told by a male co worker. You've a nice body, not bad given your age. I didn't even answer the prat.

pandarific · 20/09/2018 19:49

Well the thing is he's clearly a moron. I couldn't be arsed trying to talk him out of whatever assumptions he clearly holds. Sounds tiring.

Go find someone intelligent, charming and not holding chauvinistic ideas imo. Next!

Snog · 20/09/2018 19:54

It's rude. He may just be socially clumsy and there are far worse crimes than this.

Becoming a Mum is not known for improving your looks though.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 20/09/2018 19:57

Yep, he’s fucking negging you. Twat.

pandarific · 20/09/2018 19:57

Essentially, he's either m a bit thick, or a creepy controlling fucker with women issues. SO ATTRACTIVE. Run, run away op!

It's not about there being a grain of truth to 'small children ruin your looks' - I know women at work who have shit hair and that frazzled look but I also know from what they have said that they do all the child stuff because their partners are dicks - it's about thinking it's appropriate and normal to mention that to you in which case he's a bit thick or else he's giving you the nod that he notices these things and is laying out how attractive he expects you to remain, in which case he's a creepy controlling fucker.

What a guy!

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