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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask the school for help with these bully parents?

34 replies

Mrtumblemustdie · 20/09/2018 11:30

My DS started a new primary school in the middle of a school year last year and we were concerned that he would find it hard to make friends because he was coming in late. However, he quickly formed a friendship with another child who also seemed to be on his own. As the friendship has developed, my husband and I have gotten to know the parents and, although we thought they were quite strange, we just dismissed a lot of their odd behaviour and parenting style as different horses for different courses. However, as time has gone on, and we know more about them, we can see that they are just unpleasant people. They regularly say cruel and uninformed things about the other children in the class and their child also repeats nasty things which they have said about my DS to my child and this is affecting his self confidence. Recently, my DS has started to form new friendships in the class, which we were relieved about, but the parents of the original friend are trying to sabotage these new friendships out of spite and I guess because they are concerned that their child will be on their own again. They are doing this by organising parties and play dates with the new friends and not inviting my DS. Of course, the kids discuss the events at school (and we live in a small village where everyone pretty much knows each other and what is going on) and my DS is very upset to have not been included. I think they are also telling the other parents that my DS is a bad influence and badly behaved, which he is not. The school also confirm that he is kind and thoughtful and well-behaved. Their child has a very strict and controlled upbringing in terms of how he is disciplined and what he is and isn’t allowed to do and I have even had to ask the parents not to scold my child for things that they perceive he is doing wrong and which I think is just the normal behaviour of a five year old. They also keep saying things like Father Christmas/the tooth fairy etc don’t exist in front of my child and I feel really angry about this. In conclusion, the parents of this child seem to have embarked upon an organised attempt to push my child out of his friendship group and damage his confidence. My husband wants to get them round and confront them about this, but knowing these parents, I think it will make them worse and the trouble will escalate. I have tried to limit the time my child spends with their child, but they like spending time together and I don’t actually mind the child, although sometimes he does exhibit some of his parents’ nasty traits. I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and has any advice on how to handle this situation. Should I approach the school for help or is this a private issue between us?

OP posts:
Gersemi · 20/09/2018 12:57

Are they just turning up with their son uninvited when you have play dates, or do they pressurise you to invite him as well? Either way, you need to tell them that you cannot have more that 2/3/4 (or whatever) children that day, smile brightly and say nothing more. If they try to push you for reasons, smile even more brightly and say "I've told you we can't have any more children today, I don't think we really need to debate it, do we?", and walk away or close the door.

AhhhhThatsBass · 20/09/2018 13:11

You're not giving the other parents in the school credit for not being able to see through the bullies. People aren't stupid. Can't you tell the bullies' child that you'll have him over another day instead?
I'd be doing everything I could to encourage your child to form other friendships and refusing to engage with the bullies, while being perfectly civil in front of other people so no one can accuse you of being a bully.

Starlight345 · 20/09/2018 13:14

If your child seems unaware leave it for school. Parents get firm . If they come to door sorry not today. No explanation no need to debate.

Fingers crossed for your Ds , they find another family to latch onto

Mrtumblemustdie · 20/09/2018 13:15

Thanks Gersemi, it’s more the pressure from the other kids to invite this kid along. As I say, I have no problem with the child, but when the parents are there, they always want to say something provocative or inappropriate. It just turns a nice occasion into something negative and because of the fact that I am aware of the things which they are saying about my DS behind my back, i feel uncomfortable being around them. I think I need to be more firm about this child not being invited.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 20/09/2018 13:21

Can you just not tell your DS at all about the playdates? Making an invitation on a Friday evening for a Sunday playdate for example might work (although the short notice would obviously cause some problems). Are you particularly close to any of the other parents? Or have you noticed any other parents taking a dislike to the butty parents? You may want to confide in a trusted parent and ask them to arrange playdates without telling the children beforehand? Obviously be careful if you choose to do thus because it will make you look like you are the one acting strangely. In your place I would just ride it out. No more invitations for playdates and don't accept invitations. If they turn up let them in so as not to upset the child but no more. Half term us coming up soon. Take time off and use this as an opportunity to organise playdates without the children talking about it at school.

NancyJoan · 20/09/2018 13:25

In my opinion you can’t involve the school.

Stop all social contact with the parents, and just say, “not this time” when you are asked to add the extra child to a play date. You need to stand firm on that.

Mrtumblemustdie · 20/09/2018 13:29

Racecardriver, good idea about the half term. I’m sure that some of the other parents must know the score, but I’ve avoided mentioning our experiences with them to avoid looking like a gossip. We live in a small place and the school is small, so I feel like any sense of discord in the group wouldn’t be a good thing. I’ve spoken to a cousin of the strange family who volunteered, without me even asking or mentioning any problems we were having, information that they are very strange and sometimes unpleasant, so I’m sure that other parents will realise in the end too.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 20/09/2018 13:30

Nothing to do with School unless in turns into one child bullying another. Why all the play dates - don't they all see each other enough at School? I'd be looking for activities further afield in order to widen both his and your social circle.

Mrtumblemustdie · 20/09/2018 13:35

Jelliebelly, we go to activities further afield too, but I organise the play dates because I am concerned about my DS being sidelined, if this family get their way, at school. School can be a very unhappy place if you are on your own. I know that kids make their own choices about their friends, but I just feel that my DS might be gradually left out if all of the other kids are bonding over shared social activities which he is not invited to. I feel that I have no choice but to help him maintain these connections with the other children at school.

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