Excluding a child with additional needs

[Yabbers]

I'm feeling ranty but don't know if I should.

Discovered this morning DD has not been invited to a friend's birthday party. It is an activity party and the parent (or maybe even the child) has decided she wouldn't be able to do it so didn't invite her. To make it worse, the boy came into the class and announced he had all these invites and said loudly "DD isn't invited because she can't do it" DD kind of shrugged it off but I could see the hurt. The boy is a pretty close friend of hers.

This keeps bloody happening. I understood at first when people didn't know us they might arbitrarily decide on these things. But these kids have been together in this class for over 4 years now. The parent knows me and we speak in the mornings and on social media. It's not the first time it's happened. AIBU to think that at the very least, parents should be checking with me before excluding her based on her disability?

Before this is said, yes I know she can't be invited to everything (she understands that). Yes, it's obvious this is only because of her disability. No, I haven't had a chance to speak to his mum. I will at some point but need to be calmer.

its so sad. shame on the boy and his parents.

Can you talk to the teacher about maybe doing a few activities in class or in the playground which proves to the other children that your DD really can manage a lot more than some children are realising?
That way, no awkward conversations with other parents etc, but the kids can see for themselves?

That is absolutely horrible. My youngest has a friend from nursery with a disability - I always chose activities I knew he could take part in - if I was unsure I'd ask his mum. For me including all of DD's friends is far more important than any one activity. Even if for some reason there was no party I could do which her friend could join in with (highly unlikely) I'd have spoken to the mum and asked if the friend could still come for food or whether we could do a separate celebration.

I know other parties have happened which the friend couldn't join in with (only whole class parties of people the DD wasn't very close with) but she was always invited and then the mum decided whether to go or not.

Can you talk to the teacher about maybe doing a few activities in class or in the playground which proves to the other children that your DD really can manage

This is what annoys me about it most. They do know what she can do. If anything they often forget there might be things she needs a little help with. She takes part in all the PE lessons to one degree or another, she joins in in the playground, she never shies away from anything because of her disability. She is very much a part of the class and of this particular friendship group. They generally do see her as just another kid in the class.

How awful of that to happen, the boy and the parents behaviour is dreadful. He is close to your dd. I wonder if he is parroting what his parents are telling him. Definitely have a word, if you know the parents, if not, encourage her to find new and better friends.

Disablist twunts. The parents obvs not the child. Although he's not blamless either.
I'm also wondering where the teacher was
in all this. I'm not talking about the invite as with the best wiLl I the world a teacher can't control that. However I think she should have spoken to him about not rubbing salt in the wounds.

That's awful. My ds has sensory processing disorder and can't go to disco parties as they are too loud for him. He still gets invited though.

It’s not on. Dd has a friend with cerebral palsy and has sometimes chosen to do activity parties. We’ve always managed to fit her in and she takes part to whatever extent she can/with help from her parents or staff and joins in with the food. I think a child should at least be invited then if they really can’t manage much of it and don’t think it’s worth going that’s their decision but you shouldn’t decide for them!

Awwlookatmybabyspider The teacher wasn’t in yet. This happened just as the class was coming in. I happened to be there as they are short of ASN staff so I bring her right to the classroom.

PorkFlute A couple of good friends have done this with DD for their parties but this one (and others) just decide she can’t and that’s that. It’s frustrating.

His mum is really lovely, we’ve spoken often at the gate. The boy had a real struggle going in to school last year for a bunch of reasons. Lots of tears and stuff. As I was bringing DD to the door and waiting for assistants to meet her, I took him up with me which she was really grateful for. She would let him go in early with her which helped him too but meant she couldn’t spend the time with her closer friends. This annoyed her a bit but she’s the kind of kid who will do that for others if she sees them struggling. And this is how that favour is repaid. I’m sure it isn’t deliberate but it is hurtful that people can be so unthinking.

Oh OP that’s really crappy of the other parents . I think I would feel very ranty in your position tbh.

I'd say it to the mother personally
" Are you all organised for Johnny's party? Just so you know, he announced to the whole class that dd wasn't invited because she couldn't do the activity due to her disability. I'm fine with her not being invited, but assuming she can't do something and announcing it to the class is totally unacceptable, he won't know that of course, but you may want to explain that it's really not on to do that"

Tricky to confront after the event. I would talk to teacher. "is there some little learning activity that teaches the benefits of inclusivity in and out of school" so it is less likely to happen again and maybe makes some a little guilty for either being unthinking or judgemental. Good Luck