Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To bring this up tomorrow with my new boss

19 replies

armpitsprickly · 19/09/2018 22:34

I have never posted before but have lurked/read many many threads in the past. I have just had drinks tonight with my work team because we have some new starters and one of our current team is about to become our new boss (sharing the role with a new starter).

I have been at the company for 9 years - longest I have been anywhere and am fairly senior - I do 4 very long , stressful days a week and since I have been there have got married and had 2 children. I feel like I have 'grown up there' ie. started out socialising lots (It is a job where relationship building is important i.e.. sales) but now I work hard, do really well but being there for the kids nativities, parents evening, end of term shows etc. is much more important so I am now considered to be someone who is still respected but not ambitious/high flier which is fine with me.

My new boss who is someone I have worked alongside with for the past 2 years so he knows me, but we dont actually work together, said tonight (after a few drinks) that he thinks he has seen a difference in me....I am becoming more 'part of the team, joining in a bit more' but the thing that has really fucked me off is that he says he has also noticed a change in my 'appearance'...?! I said what do you mean and I got the distinct impression he meant that I'm making more of an effort/prettying myself up some more...I dont know why, but this has really, really pissed me off and made me feel upset and that I have looked like a bag of shit the last couple of years.

AIBU to feel upset by this and why should I even care what this TWAT thinks?? He would NEVER say that to another man!!

OP posts:

Original poster

armpitsprickly · 19/09/2018 22:36

Sorry I should add - would I be unreasonable to ask him tomorrow what he actually meant by that or am I being over sensitive and I should just leave it??

OP posts:

Twotailed · 19/09/2018 22:39

I would leave it this time - it was an odd comment but your impression of what he meant might be wrong. But I would keep an eye on it in case it’s a new pattern of behaviour.

Singlenotsingle · 19/09/2018 22:40

He probably meant it as a compliment, in that clumsy and unthinking way that some people have. I'd let it go. He didn't mean any harm

PoshPenny · 19/09/2018 22:43

YANBU but without knowing your details, was he rather clumsily trying to say something nice along the lines that you've put the tough first few years with the children behind you and you're getting back on track with your career now they are older and less dependent on you? Personally I'd let it go.

Sarcelle · 19/09/2018 22:44

I would be annoyed too. I was patronised at a meeting today by a man who regularly sighs when I speak. I don’t hog airtime I just think he is a misogynist. When he said something today I actually pulled him up on it. He apologised there and then in front of everybody and afterwards too. It felt good. I am going to challenge bad behaviour from now on. Usually I sit and fester but I decided to give a bit of angst back. I think you should mention it, ask for clarification and if it was about your appearance ask him if he would say the same comment to a man.

OhTheRoses · 19/09/2018 22:48

Can't you just accept it gracefully as a compliment in the spirit it was most probably met.

I once told a colleague she looked lovely in a beautiful blue top. She responded with "so you are saying I don't usually look lovely?". I felt like saying "no, but did you mean to be so rude?"

Marie0 · 19/09/2018 22:50

I think it was a compliment- not sure why you feel so bad about it

TokyoSushi · 19/09/2018 22:51

I think it's just a clumsy compliment, I'd mentally note it but leave it this time.

Original poster

armpitsprickly · 19/09/2018 22:54

Thanks for replying. Yes I hadn't thought he was maybe clumsily being nice. I think he touched a nerve. I already feel a bit like I've been left out to pasture and in a company of people where the ave age is 28 and I'm 41 I am probably letting that cloud my judgement.
I will leave it for now but any other comment about my appearance will be met with a cold hard stare....

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 22:57

Nah it's not a compliment, would he tell a male colleague the same thing and comment on his appearance and the effort he is making with it? It's misogyny, it's putting you in your place the pretty little woman. I had a similar experience with a boss of mine and he was later outed as a sexist pig. (He got in a lot of trouble but I can't give details)

Don't bother confronting him, either complain to HR or (this is what I would do) keep a record and if there are any other incidents then address it. This on it's own will only lead them to have a quiet word with him which will just make it awkward for you.

wineoclock1 · 19/09/2018 22:57

I wouldn't bring it up with him again. Even though it's a bizarre thing for him to say, and it would annoy me too, I think it would be better to rise above it.

MrsStrowman · 19/09/2018 22:57

Was he flirting? A friend of mine would have said something like this in the past thinking he was chatting you up, he's terrible at flirting always has been, God only knows how he ended up with a wife

flossietoot · 19/09/2018 23:02

If it is a sales environment and he is ten years or so younger than you- probably didn’t know any better. Not nice but it is probably cut throat enough without giving yourself an argument with the new manager. Could come across that you are jealous he got a promotion

DinahMorris · 19/09/2018 23:03

I tend to respond with a smile and "do I normally look like crap?" I can't stand inappropriate 'compliments' at work. Some men just can't help but comment on women's appearances. (Well they can help it, they just choose not to.)

Original poster

armpitsprickly · 19/09/2018 23:05

I don't think he was flirting but it's made me feel so uncomfortable. I do think it's misogyny....he would never say it to a male team member and I think he probably thought he was being nice but I feel very patronized. I hate that I give these comments any credence at all but at the same time I want to squash this and make him realise he can't talk to me/female team members that way. It's completely ruined my night and I will think about this far too much

OP posts:

Original poster

armpitsprickly · 19/09/2018 23:07

Flossietoot is right ...much younger, bit wet behind the ears and a lot to learn about managing people. I should just ignore the whippersnapper

OP posts:

blueshoes · 19/09/2018 23:08

If this is the first time, I'd let it go and chalk it down to a clumsy compliment. If you raise it with him, you might be in the right but having won this battle, you would have lost the war.

This man is your boss. It would be career self-harm to score such small points.

SummerIsEasy · 19/09/2018 23:30

Women have it tough in jobs where appearance is important. Older women just cannot keep up with expectations.

My daughter and I are both nurses. We are expected to turn up freshly showered and in smart ironed uniform, but hair tied back and minimal make up. Finger nails have to be short, no nail varnish. DD looks great anyway, as she is 27 and very attractive, but I just look, well very OLD.

It shouldn’t matter really, so long as people observe good personal hygiene with clean clothing for work. The man is a misogynist. Ignore it for as long as you can, keep a diary of personal comments and if it becomes a problem you will have evidence to approach HR.

Aridane · 19/09/2018 23:43

Nah it's not a compliment, would he tell a male colleague the same thing and comment on his appearance and the effort he is making with it?

I disagree. In my workplace, comment (favourable) may be made where a male colleague makes an effort to dress more smartly in the work place

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread