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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting a 2 year old to say sorry

14 replies

strugglingpuggle · 19/09/2018 22:07

Dd is nearly 2.5 years. Has a very good vocabulary and is starting to understand basic manners such as please & thank you. Can say sorry but not sure she really gets the meaning yet as she apologised for sneezing the other day! Is very much a mummies girl much to dh's annoyance!

Tonight when going up for bed, I was holding Dd and dh went to tickle her. Dd wriggled and managed to full on head butt me on the mouth. All ok but it didn't half hurt!

Dh then told Dd the had hurt mummy and tried to get her to say sorry. Dd then started to get upset, I think because she realised she had hurt me, and cuddled into me. Dh kept insisting she say sorry, and as she wouldn't took Dd off me and carried her upstairs himself. Dd then got more upset and by the time we were up in her room was practically hysterical. I started to try and calm Dd down, she gave me a cuddle to say sorry (but still wouldn't say the word) and dh got in a strop because apparently I undermined him as I stepped in before she'd said sorry!

Once she had calmed down she did come up to me, hugged my leg and said sorry!

Dh is moaning because apparently my way she will never learn to apologise, I've tried to tell him it's not fair on her to get hysterical when she doesn't completely understand the situation or use of the word!

OP posts:

AlphaBravo · 19/09/2018 22:12

A 2.5yr old doesnt understand that at all. Your dh is a pratt.

Try again with her in about 6-9 months.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/09/2018 22:13

Did your Dh apologise for causing her to head butt you? Bet he didn’t!

LorelaiRoryEmily · 19/09/2018 22:13

Oh lord let him sulk, she’s 2.5! My ds is the same age and he says sorry but has no idea really when to say it. If I bumped in to him and said sorry he’d say sorry mammy too. If he knows he’s hurt DH or I, he will eventually say sorry like your dd did but really there’s no point in making a big deal out of it. They’ll learn eventually. It sounds like he made the whole thing worse.
And In fairness it wasn’t an intentional head butt either so even less need for his over reaction!

puzzledlady · 19/09/2018 22:14

wtf?! she's 2.5 for goodness sake, of course she doesnt understand the concept of the word!

Your husband is an idiot.

PrettyLovely · 19/09/2018 22:14

I agree with you on this she is still very young, the fact she saw you were sad and cuddled you was enough to say sorry. Also it was actually his actions that led to her headbutting you so he should say sorry!

Osirus · 19/09/2018 22:19

Sometimes I think their vocabulary skills advance far quicker than their comprehension.

My two year old has said “sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” for months, but if she actually hurts someone accidentally (she never does on purpose) she is very unsure of herself and more shocked than anything.

She will apologise for bumping into me though!

TokyoSushi · 19/09/2018 22:22

She's 2.5, the hug is her way of saying sorry, your DH is an, erm, fool.

Velvetbee · 19/09/2018 22:22

Completely pointless.

Neverender · 19/09/2018 22:23

My DD 21 months absolutely understands when she has done something bad. We sit her on the step, tell her what she has done, and then say if she says sorry and fives 'insert name of person' a kiss, we can carry on playing. She says sorry and we carry on. Nursery do this too.

DrWhy · 19/09/2018 22:26

Tricky, we are trying to reinforce saying sorry with our just turned 2 year old when he bites me and have had a similar situation of DH holding him (gently) and refusing to let him go and do what he wanted until he said sorry to me. I thought it was a bit OTT and had to really control myself to not interfere. In the end DS gave me a cuddle and DH and I both said thank you for the sorry cuddle could he use his words now and eventually he did. Then he had a big cuddle and we played together again.
I think the big difference for us though is that DS had bitten me deliberately. Your DD head butted you in an accident, as an adult we’d probably apologise automatically but I’m not sure that I’d expect a child to get that at 2.5. Sounds like a much better response would have been for him to model apologising to you, saying sorry and checking you were OK and then explaining to your DD that their playing hurt mummy and they should both say sorry and trying to encourage it that way - all great in hindsight though!

Sellmyhouse · 19/09/2018 22:27

This is probably tangential, but I don’t ask my children to apologise if they hurt someone accidentally. I ask them to check if the other person is okay and see if there is anything they can do to help. I read an article promoting this approach, and it made a lot of sense to me in terms of trying to avoid meaningless, throwaway apologies. It also seems to fit in better with your DD’s natural response to give you a cuddle when you were in pain, which seems to make more sense than apologising for something she hadn’t intended to do in the first place. Your DH’s approach would really bother me.

TittyGolightly · 19/09/2018 22:28

Never ever ever done it. I don’t want to hear it if it isn’t meant. Have modelled it and DD only uses it when she is genuinely sorry for something.

I have a younger sister who was forced to apologise as a child. As an adult she thinks she can do/say anything as long as she says sorry for it. It’s utterly devoid of meaning from her.

Lolapusht · 19/09/2018 22:29

She might learn to say “sorry” but she’ll just be repeating a word on cue rather than understanding the concept of apologising. She’s far too young still for that. If she’s bangs into you etc, do a dramatic “Ow! That really hurt. Could you kiss it better/give me a cuddle to make it better?”. The fact that she gave you a cuddle shows she was aware that something she had done had caused upset, which I think is what your DH was aiming for but he went about it in a really shit way! Rather than make her say a word on cue, he’d be better spending time encouraging her understanding about actions effecting others and helping her find ways to make things better.

Also, it wasn’t up to him to insist she say sorry as you were the one “injured”. He was interfering and undermining you surely? Either way, he was wrong on all counts and handled it badly!

user1471426142 · 19/09/2018 22:36

My 2 year old (27m) does say it from time to time but I wouldn’t say her understanding is reliable. Like another poster she’s more likely to get it if it was something deliberate where she knows she’s been a bit naughty. She’s more likely to give me a teddy to cuddle as her way of expressing empathy if I’m hurt or looking upset. That she understands but ‘sorry’ is a bit harder to fully get. The fact that she was upset that you were hurt and was trying to cuddle you shows a degree of empathy. I’m not sure how much more you can expect at 2.

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