Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why does this hurt so much

10 replies

Lorddenning1 · 19/09/2018 20:40

Ok bit of a back story, me and my OH separated 3 weeks ago after 10 years together and 2 kids together. We were arguing a lot and we both felt that it was the best thing to do for the children. When he moved out he said he is treating this as a break, maybe that we both needed it.
He moved in with his brother and saw the kids a couple of times a week. We were being civil and just getting on with things. I felt a bit overwhelmed with everything as I was a single mum working full time and trying to adjust to my new life. 1 week ago I logged on to the computer and saw that his Facebook was logged in, I really wished I didn't but I read his messages and saw that he had been talking to an ex girlfriend, not too bad just flirting, I wasn't happy but tried to get on with it, again a week later I read them again and see that it's moved on quite quickly, and I'm reading stuff like I can't wait to see u again, I miss u and can't wait to give u a big kiss etc, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I have been really upset reading these and tonight I have told him I have seen them and that I was hurt that he could move on so fast, like I meant nothing to him, he got mad and angry that I had read them and in the heat of the moment told me they had already slept together, he has left now and the kids are in bed, and I'm crying my eyes out, I can't stop picturing it and I feel so alone and upset. I know I had no right to read them and I wish I hadn't :(
Hand hold please, I feel so upset :(

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 19/09/2018 20:47

Christ, what kick in the teeth. You are definitely best not asking questions you don’t want to know the answer so I think accessing his Facebook was not a good idea for your own sanity, as well as it being an invasion of privacy. Just remember, some day sooner or later you’ll be having that excitement of flirting and new relationship with someone and it will likely cause him pain even if he’s officially moved on. If he’s not a total bastard I’d say he was furious about you reading those partly because he never would have wanted to hurt you like that.

Stay strong and remember that he felt like that about you before, and even more so because he had kids with you.

user1487636583 · 19/09/2018 21:10

I didn’t want to just read and run...
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right in that you had no right to read the messages... however, like you I would have done the exact same thing!
10 years is a long time, and to move on so quickly is maybe your other half’s way of dealing with things? A rebound thing?!
I know when I separated with my ex, the father of my two older children I did the exact same thing. I jumped in to a relationship more out of fear of being on my own, and the novelty of someone treating me like a princess... it didn’t last. I regretted it horrendously and learnt my lesson. I didnt get back with my ex, but we became good friends and eventually moved passed it all.
Any break up is hard. Right now you need to focus on making yourself happy, and doing what’s right in the interest of your children and yourself. Get together with your friends for girly nights, spend time with your kids and doing what’s needed to make you happy again in your own right. Don’t let his actions make you think your relationship meant nothing - it did. You have beautiful children so it meant something. It’s now over, and your ex is now free to make as many mistakes as he wants. What’s important is that you do don’t rush in to doing things to hooking up with other men just because that’s what he’s done. Take your time.
With time it will get easier. One day you will look at your ex and the feelings you had for him will have gone. It’s like when you have a headache, you don’t notice the headache going, but then at one point you realise your head no longer hurts.
I know I’ve waffled on, but I just want you to know that you will feel better one day. It just won’t happen just yet. Put on your favourite movie, have a bath, ring a friend for a chat :) x

Lorddenning1 · 19/09/2018 23:14

Thank you for your replies, I am hurting so much right now and I know I need some time, I wish there was a time machine so I can fast forward this bit :(

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 19/09/2018 23:49

Sorry to say I do not think this is a rebound thing...people seldom leave a marriage unless there is someone waiting in the wings. It had probably begun before he left. Hope you are ok.

Lorddenning1 · 20/09/2018 06:43

@crimsonlake I'm normally the first person to say this but when I read the Facebook messages u can see when they first started talking and it was around 2 weeks after we split, u can tell with the tone of messages that they hadn't spoke before.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 20/09/2018 08:47

That is something then. However I think some men move on so quickly as they have already checked out of the marriage so to speak, whilst you now are having to play catch up. Try not to go ' pain shopping again '
Focus on you and the children, try to keep their routine, look after yourself and try and eat something even if you do not feel like eating. This will be a big shock and it may be the case that he thought he could have a little time away leading the single life without you knowing what he is up to. He has now been found out and his plan of returning after a break has been ruined. Would you still consider having him back now? This is what you need to decide. Hope you have lots of support and friends you can turn to.

Lorddenning1 · 22/09/2018 09:09

Thanks @crimsonlake there is no going back, the strange thing about this all is that our break was mutual, can anyone rationalise why I'm acting like this, I wanted to end the relationship too, I didn't love him and we were arguing all the time so it's 100% the right decision, but why am I acting all depressed and jealous, and why can't I move on from this?
Do you think it's just the shock of it being so soon. My brain is currently showing me a video montage of all the good times we had together and making me more upset. It's like iv forgot/blanked out all the bad stuff :(

OP posts:
user1487636583 · 22/09/2018 09:54

Yes, it’s just the shock. I think that although we don’t want to be with our ex, we don’t want them to move on and be happy straight away as it maybe means it’s our fault they weren’t happy? Eh. If they are happy with them why weren’t we happy! If you know what I mean. Eventually you will adjust though. You just need time.

Lorddenning1 · 22/09/2018 10:27

@user1487636583 I think you may be right, it's the shock :( I know for a fact if we got back together now we would be ok for a couple of weeks and then we would be arguing again and I would be wondering why did we get back together.
It just hurts a lot and I want to get over it but I need time

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 25/02/2019 14:03

you ladies were right, i just needed time :)
since this thread, he has moved in with her, kids have met her etc and so have i. but i do not cry any more and iv started seeing someone also, i love being on my own now and the thoughts of them dont enter my head anymore and if they do its more of a happiness that i dont have to deal with him anymore and its her problem haha

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.