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Original poster

ExH and issues with DD

26 replies

namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 11:49

Posting here for traffic but more WWYD. Quick back story, married 10 years, problems with alcohol that got a lot worse after DD was born, which is the main reason I left. DD is nearly 4. He is on anti-depressants, but still drinking as far as I know. Nisi came through in June so all still new. He has DD EOW (Saturday/Sunday) but I made it very very very clear no alcohol to be consume when he has DD.
Nursery told me today that DD said I'm sad when daddy hits me. I have no idea what to do. Do kids say stuff like this or do I need to go in heavy with XH? No overnights etc...
Not sure how to handle it and obviously very concerned for DD safety.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/09/2018 11:52

I would ask him about it and act based on his response. Does you child ever tell lies? I think it seems unlikely. Nursery should also have notified social service about this so they will presumably be in touch with him. I would be very concerned.

Regingaphalange · 19/09/2018 11:52

Has the nursery reported this to Social Services? They will investigate and I would tell him no more access until investigation is done. Smacking is about to be made illegal in Scotland. Where are you from?

LexieLulu · 19/09/2018 11:53

I'd possibly call childline and chat, mainly cause they will give you advice that will comply to legal rights etc.

I personally wouldn't let my child near him... but that would obviously not be the legal way around it

Original poster
namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 11:55

In the UK, they are doing a form so I can show him so he knows it's not me trying to be difficult or 'take her away from him'. He agreed to EOW immediately. I have a very good relationship with the nursery and XH hasn't even seen it so they are talking me through everything and I think if she mentions it again they will take it further

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Subtlecheese · 19/09/2018 11:56

Big red button time. This all needs to be taken seriously, talk to your dd, have your ex visit dd with you and a supportive friend or family member there or no access whilst there is an investigation. It will not go well with his addiction I imagine.

Regingaphalange · 19/09/2018 11:59

I honestly think you should report this yourself to SS. I wouldn't take the risk of my child being smacked especially a 3 year old.

PositivelyPERF · 19/09/2018 12:02

and I think if she mentions it again they will take it further

No! It needs to be dealt with NOW! Are you seriously saying that they’re going to wait to see if she says it again, then they’ll take action? That’s like saying ‘we’ll wait to see if the child is hit again, before we take action’. If you tell him what your child has said and he is hitting her, then he’s just going to make sure the child keeps it secret. Your child’s safety and physical/wellbeing comes before a person’s right to be protected from a wrongful accusation. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true.

ArnoldBee · 19/09/2018 12:05

It depends on the people involved. My DSD told her mum at this age that my DH had smacked her (he never laid a hand on her) and that he wore a dress at weekends (again not true though...). The sentence your DS has said sounds alarming but only you know the characters involved.

Original poster
namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 12:05

You think you know someone but he is not the person I married anymore and quite frankly I don't know what he is capable of anymore. She is so happy when with me and sings and dances all day, can't believe her own father would even dream of smacking her, I think that's what I'm finding hard to deal with. I will call childline and speak to the nursery again and see what they will do. Another crazy position I never believed I'd be in

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Marmaladegin · 19/09/2018 12:07

I have recently been in a similarish situation. I think it's important to ask yourself whether dd is prone to lying (and if she is, this is still serious because it suggests an underlying unhappiness). I agonized over whether or not I was making too much of it. And then I thought: I'm her mother if I don't take protecting her seriously, wtf am I here for?! And I sorted it.

ArtemisWeatherwax · 19/09/2018 12:08

I'm surprised the nursery haven't gone straight to SS tbh - if it were my child I would want them too!

Original poster
namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 12:10

She doesn't lie really, makes up stories about fairies etc... but not like this ever before. Sometimes she says xyz pushed me but it's all wide open in front of everyone not said secretly to people which is what her teachers say happened, DD took them aside as they had been doing circle time about feelings. Not sure if any of this is relevant

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DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 19/09/2018 12:16

It’s not about lying or telling stories. It’s about perception.

From a child’s perception, a parent slapping their hand away from a hot plate and telling them sharply to ‘be careful’ is a smack that made them sad. From a parental perspective, it’s keeping them safe from an immediate danger.

Only you can assess which this is. I think you need to start with talking to your ex and asking him what she’s talking about. I’m not saying it’s nothing to worry about, but some caution is required.

SocialPiranha · 19/09/2018 12:17

Your child sought an adult out to tell them that she’s sad that her daddy hits her. Sounds like she wants someone to help her. I would be taking it very seriously and wouldn’t be waiting to see if she says it again. You need advice what to do legally but I certainly wouldn’t want to send my DC to their dad in this situation.

SocialPiranha · 19/09/2018 12:18

Sorry to clarify, I wouldn’t want to send them to their dads until I’d got to the bottom of what this was about.

Blobby10 · 19/09/2018 12:22

namechange I think you are wise to go gently with this. I am not saying your daughter is lying but any mum knows that children of her age will often state categorically that something has happened when it hasn't! I remember one of mine said he hated it when I made him sit in the hallway for 2 hours after school !! I never had done and to this day have no idea where it came from (we didn't have a hallway at the time!) but he told the teacher very seriously and was very believable.

I'm not saying ignore it but you know her, you know your Ex, none of us here, giving opinions, know either of them.

Original poster
namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 12:25

DD not going for the next 2 weekends anyway. I was concerned about XH having her anyway at the start of the divorce but did not have enough evidence to prove anything and as he didn't try for 50/50 care I thought it best not to rock the boat so to speak but a chat is needed with XH ASAP as the boat is rocking all by itself. I think I will be able to tell by his reaction if he is coping with her or not.

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Original poster
namechange1984 · 19/09/2018 13:14

Spoke to NSPCC and borough unlikely to take action as smacking is not illegal yet!!!!
Will speak to DD this afternoon and see if I can see what context it was in and hopefully put my mind at rest. Will speak to XH when I have calmed down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to smack DD under any circumstances

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ems137 · 20/09/2018 14:37

My 3/4 year old told nursery that I punched him once, totally not true and no history of lying so it could possibly me made up.

However, I'd definitely ask him about it along with the nursery form. I would also speak to DD about it

Original poster
namechange1984 · 20/09/2018 14:53

Very concerning chat with DD, she didn't make eye contact and said that her and Daddy fell over, it just doesn't fit. Nursery have been amazing and I have asked them to call SS if she says anything like this again and trying to arrange a time to see XH face to face but childcare is thin on the ground. My poor baby, I'm so angry that he could even think about doing that

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Original poster
namechange1984 · 21/09/2018 12:41

Just text XH saying I need to have a chat with him face to face about DD ASAP. Any advice on how to approach it without coming off too accusatory?

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verite · 21/09/2018 13:32

I would definitely follow this up. However my DS told my mum that I had cut him with a knife when he was 3!!! Obviously I hadn’t. I was just relieved he told my mum and not Nursery!

SeaToSki · 21/09/2018 13:42

When you talk with XH, quote what DD said - keep it factual and ask him for his take. Keep pushing and asking questions. Approach it from a position of curiosity and not accusation.

Then after the conversation send him an email summarising what you said and what he said and ask him to confirm the summary is accurate.

You will clearly have your own opinion but you need to act like a detective right now and get at the facts and document them.

BTW it sounds v dodgy and it sounds like he is drinking around her.

Original poster
namechange1984 · 22/09/2018 08:19

Seatoski I feel the same. I think she doesn't know how to say he gets frustrated and angry (from drinking or likely withdrawal) so is saying he hits me instead as she feels uncomfortable but can't say how. It's so different from my style of parenting where I really try to reward good behaviour and try and ignore (where possible the bad). I'm going to put it like that to him that we need to have a consistent parenting approach. Secretly hope that if I give him an out he might take it or suggest going down hours he will take it. My anxiety sigh rockets when he has her. Thank you all for your help

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 25/09/2018 15:16

Did you get anywhere with your Ex namechnage1984?

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