To think I should leave him?

[confused101101]

Okay so I feel like I need to put some context in this first. It will be long.

I met my partner when I was 16 I am now 28 with 11 and 8 year old boys.
Everything was amazing at first, hard because we where so young, but we loved each other and made a great team.
Problems started to show when he would get agitated by the kids crying, through colic etc. a few times he did punch holes in doors and walls (looking back now I know I should of left, but I was far too naive).
He was never abusive towards to kids, he just struggled to deal with endless crying.
Anyway, he became depressed about 6 years ago and I supported him so much.
He had really strange ideas and was very much anti government anti police. He was also suicidal, he was eventually admitted to hospital and spent a few months there, this was 3 years ago.
When he was home I was often warned that if i left him, it would send him over the edge and he would kill himself. I was terrified.
I was also never allowed to tell anyone about his moods, or what was happening at home. (I know now this was abuse).
I can't possibly put everything down that happened but here's a small list.
He wouldn't hug me, he would tell me what I had to say was irrelevant, when I dressed up he would say 'I'm not complimenting you, because I know that's what you want'.
This was 2/3 years ago though.
2 years ago I also found out he masturbated to a picture of my best friend via Facebook.

Anyway 1 year ago I reached breaking point with his bad moods, he knocked me back from one hug one too many times and I went out with a friend and got very very drunk.
I very nearly cheated on him (oh he also cheated on me with another friend a few months into our relationship).
I was so embarrassed by my actions I immediately told him when I woke up, what almost happened, I also told him that I think we should call it quits.
He then became very very emotional and begged for me to stay, promised he would change and he wouldn't be that person anymore, he would be the most amazing partner ever.
I decided to give him that chance and I have to admit, over the past year, he has been a fantastic person and feels so guilty over his previous behaviour. He apologises constantly and has been attentive in every aspect of his family. He really has been the best partner you could imagine!!
And here's why I wonder if I am bu, recently I have been cringing when he talks of the future, i don't want to be intimate, unless I have been drinking and in all honesty I just cannot imagine a future with him.
I do love him so so so much though and I feel awful for even saying it. I just don't want to leave him when I feel like nothing has warranted it over the past year? Before yes, but I gave him another chance and now I feel like I don't love him romantically anymore.
I'd be devastated if I did end it tho, I know it would be hard emotionally and financially, I just cannot see a future aibu?

He's being so lovely right now and I feel like a total cowbag for writing this 

That really was a long thread

It sounds very difficult. I'm not sure what to advise! His previous behaviour sounded very challenging and awful, but he seems to have genuinely managed to change this past year and you still love him very much (though not romantically). How long have you been feeling differently about him? Could counselling help you to clarify what is best?

Thank you so much for your reply x

I have suggested counselling in the past, however he is unwilling to do this.

I just want to be able to actually know where I stand in this relationship. It is apparent he is very paranoid, he does not like me going out with friends and makes jokes about when I eventually kick him out, makes me sad really.

I would like to hear from others who have been in similar positions, however, I do know that it may not be possible xx

He might have had a turn around in his character and behaviour but if your feelings for him have changed I don’t think that there’s much you can do. I knew it was over with a difficult ex when he casually mentioned marriage/kids one day and my heart nearly stopped in terror- I knew I didn’t want that with him and I knew it was time to go.

Yours is a difficult situation and I really feel for you

Be honest with yourself- when you picture yourself in a future without him, how does it make you feel?

In the last year you have learned three important things that rightly make you want to leave this relationship:

1. He could have changed at any moment. He knows what is needed from a good partner but for ELEVEN years he chose to be a bad partner. He chose to be that way. In the last year he has chosen differently. I would be enraged. I honestly don't think I could forgive it.

1. The abuse he subjected you to killed the relationship. Nothing he can do now can revive it. You tried for a year. Turns out it was already dead.

1. He hasn't stopped abusing you, he has only changed how he abuses you. Now it is control and heart-stabbing dressed up as reasonable jealousy.

You have plenty of reasons to leave him, even if he has managed to be a decent human being for the past 12 months. But the fact is that you don’t need a reason to leave. You can leave purely because you’re unhappy and don’t see a future with him.

The unwillingness to go to counselling and the paranoid comments about you going out with friends suggest that perhaps fundamentally, despite appearing to change, he remains the same underneath? The other posters make good points!

Thank you all so much for replying xx
@BlueThesaurusRex I feel happier, I also feel incredibly guilty as we have built this home together and I don't know where he would go. Also, everyone in our neighbourhood seems to love him. I feel like I would look like the bad guy for just calling it quits, but no one knows our history, no one knows how much I walked on eggshells every minute if day and told our kids to behave cause Daddy wasn't feeling well.

I even feel guilty now for saying that, because of how good he has been recently. I just feel lost and I can only share it with impartial strangers.
Xx

Sometimes in life we try and fix things that are already past fixing. If that's the way you feel even when he's been trying then I think the answer really is you need to end it. It'll be hard, but you have to give yourself to chance to be happy.

He is a grown up. He can find somewhere to go. That is not your problem. Really it isn't.

Nobody else gives a shit. Nobody cares one bit about bad guys and good guys. They are too busy with their own lives. Besides everyone knows nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Have you started telling your friends about what he did to you in the past? Or is that still banned?

First off, I have the utmost respect for the courage it must have taken to come on here and post this. To even dare to type out that question.

You're describing textbook abuse - including the crying, begging, promising the earth, blah blah blah. Abuse is about power and control. Violence only appears when the other tactics aren't keeping tight enough control.

And I'm sorry, but if you think the children won't have experienced him punching doors in response to them crying as violence directed towards them, you are mistaken. That must have been frightening for you, so how much worse for them? I totally understand why you feel you need to try and make this better and more survivable, but my point is that none of you should have to live like this.

You should also never, ever go to joint counselling with somebody who's been even slightly abusive. Please do not do this, it will only make things worse. It goes against all professional advice.

The guilt he's given you is part of the abuse. It's how he keeps control and stops you from realising you deserve better than this and leaving. If you feel too guilty to leave then he has control of you.

If you were my friend, I would tell you that you have my full support in leaving. You would be doing the right thing. You're not a bad person for wanting a life free from abuse.

If you're not sure or not ready yet, and even if you are, please get yourself on the Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk I'm hazarding a guess from your op that you haven't already been on it.

You won't feel guilty anymore once you understand the extent of his abuse. FP won't tell you what to do or judge you, they'll just give you information so you can take charge of your own life again.

He not only sounds like hard work, it also sounds like he's having a brief respite from a long-term mental health condition.

Does he or did he have a weed habit? His psychotic episode a few years ago together with his paranoia, anti-establishment mindset and suspicion around talking to "outsiders" - are signs of someone who is mentally unhealthy.

His behaviour went the full spectrum: from the icky, creepy disrespect of masturbating to a Facebook image, to full-on control and exerting power. You recognise that you've been abused and that you're done.

I'm suprised you stayed so long. Good luck for a better future.

Thanks again for your responses.
It's funny that you asked that, yes he does smoke weed daily, but has a pretty decent job.
I have one friend who I have confided with over the past few years, she knows some of the extent, it was her who's picture he masturbated too, I didn't tell her that though.

In my mind I know we don't have a future, however, because he's been so amazing the past 12 months, I almost feel like I need a different reason to put an end to the relationship as nothing is 'bad' just now.

I really do appreciate your responses xx

I think your idea of amazing and my idea of amazing are very different. How can you reconcile saying he's a perfect partner with yes he does smoke weed daily and the thing you said previously about It is apparent he is very paranoid, he does not like me going out with friends and makes jokes about when I eventually kick him out

Either of those would be a deal breaker for me on their own never mind together.

Are you confusing not openly vile with amazing perhaps? What is he doing that is so amazing?

If he smokes daily what does that do to your evenings, sex life, chat, money?

yes he does smoke weed daily,

I think you need to look up the effects of daily weed consumption after a related psychotic episode.

His brain is already fried and with every day he is trashing his mental faculties even more.

Let me assure you that there will be more episodes and more confinements to a mental health facility - it's just a question of when.

Make sure that you have a plan for you and the children on how to deal with it.

Alternatively - give him an ultimaturm - the weed goes or you go.

Your children can't be put at risk by a man who is deliberately sabotaging his own mental health, and neither can you.