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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons bday party invitees

16 replies

Smoresleepplease · 18/09/2018 19:38

My son will be 4 soon. He has lots of friends outside of nursery, but I’ve asked his teacher for a list of a few of the children he plays with the most. That’s all fine.
My ‘problem’ is this...

OP posts:
CloudCaptain · 18/09/2018 19:39

I'm on tenterhooks! Grin

Hidillyho · 18/09/2018 19:39

His friends are dinosaurs??

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 18/09/2018 19:41

…the Teacher said she want to be invited too. Grin

Original poster
Smoresleepplease · 18/09/2018 19:44

OOps posted too soon!!
A friend of a friends DS has just started at the same nursery(met up with her a few times for coffee etc recently since he started). He is a lovely kid-but very hands-on. My friend is pretty sure he has ADHD and gets very upset about it when we all meet up, because she is so worried that he’ll be excluded.
I’ve sent an invite into nursery today for his party. I told my DS and he went nuts, got very upset saying he didn’t want ‘the naughty boy who hits everyone’ at his party! I’ve told him he’s coming as it would be unkind to leave him out and his mummy is my friend.
I’m so scared that DS will say this out loud at the party in front of my friend! She’s be devastated.
I am a little concerned that friends DS will be ‘disruptive’ at the party. But it simply isn’t an option to not invite him.
I hope this hasn’t come out wrong. How do I make my DS not say anything that could be seen as mean??

OP posts:
harridan50 · 18/09/2018 19:48

Why should he put up with someone who hits everyone at his party.

Pommes · 18/09/2018 19:49

I'd play on his empathy. Quite honestly, from his perspective he is entirely right - why would he want a child at his party who is mean? From an adult perspective, you are right. So I'd probe gently with questions like "how do you think A would feel to not be invited to your party?" etc etc. Praise him but acknowledge his concern too e.g. "I know that sometimes at nursery A isn't very nice but you are very kind to invite him."

Racecardriver · 18/09/2018 19:50

Some kids like being hit. My son was at a party a couple of weeks ago. One of the girls spent the whole time following him around a hitting him lightly. He found it hilarious. I'm sure if will be fine.

GunpowderGelatine · 18/09/2018 19:50

It's not your son's job to validate another person's child. It's not always a popular opinion but I think people should just invite whoever their kids want there!

GunpowderGelatine · 18/09/2018 19:51

Some kids like being hit. My son was at a party a couple of weeks ago. One of the girls spent the whole time following him around a hitting him lightly. He found it hilarious. I'm sure if will be fine

This can't be a serious reply?

Screaminginsidemeagain · 18/09/2018 19:52

You can’t stop him but you can have a chat about how words can hurt too and about how being left out can be a horrible feeling etc.
It isn’t your sons responsibility to protect your friends feelings though and you can’t force kids to be friends.
Have someone charged with keeping an eye on said hitty child, subtly but ready to distract and intervene.

Original poster
Smoresleepplease · 18/09/2018 19:53

If the kid was ‘just a c*nt’ I’d absolutely say he’s not coming. But as there’s clearly an underlying problem, id feel a right cow if he wasn’t invited. And probably be flamed for leaving out the SEN kid

OP posts:
cariadlet · 18/09/2018 20:00

tbh, when it's a whole class party it would be very unkind to leave one child out. But this seems to be a party where you'd tried to find out who your son played with.

I understand why you'd include this child at meet-ups when it's basically mums being with their own friends and their friends' children. But I think that parties about a child's friends and not about their parents' friends. I think that you should have talked to your ds about who he wanted to invite and agreed a list together. I'm not surprised that he's angry that you invited somebody that he doesn't like without even asking him.

But what's done is done. He'll be only just turning 4 so it's going to be impossible to guarantee that he'll be tactful. I think that you just need to reassure him that the little boy won't hurt anybody, because his mummy will be there to look after him, appeal to his developing empathy and keep talking about all the positives about the party.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 18/09/2018 20:03

Why are you “scared” that he’ll say it in front of your friend? You say she knows about her chikd’s behaviour, she can’t imagine it’s not affecting the other children?

Original poster
Smoresleepplease · 18/09/2018 20:04

His mum is a bit ‘flaky’ and isn’t that good at telling him off/keeping him in check. It’s like she’s just given up. I am worried that he will be like a mix of Rocky and the Tasmanian Devil!!

OP posts:
slashlover · 18/09/2018 20:18

Your DS doesn't play with him but because you're friends with his mum, he gets an invite? If it was a full class party then YWBU not to invite him but you say it's only a few friends.

Would you allow your DP to insist someone you don't like and who hits you could come to a small party you were hosting?

Original poster
Smoresleepplease · 18/09/2018 20:29

There’s a group of us who are all good friends, and our kids all play together. She’s recently become part of the friendship group. It would be mean of me to not invite her, when all our other friends are here. There’s going to be about 20 kids here

OP posts:
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