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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like shit and so selfish

23 replies

Anotherblacksheep · 18/09/2018 17:12

Last night a tweet regarding my DS starting school led to a rant by my cousin about my poor, abusive exh who isn't allowed contact.
I freaked out and ended up messaging her ALOT of personal information about my life whilst married to this man. (rape, drugs etc)
She replied, basically, blaming me.
I rang my mother, hysterical. I hadn't told her half the things I shared with cousin.
I now feel terrible. I should never have put all of this on my mother. She was too upset to go work today (brothers business so has leeway).
She is devastated that I didn't tell her and that her family could turn on me like that.
I've deleted social media, cut contact, but my mother is SO worried about me.
I should never have disclosed the personal details I did. I should never have involved my mother.
Basically, I'm asking can I fix this? My poor mother feels she's failed and its all I can think about.

OP posts:

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 18/09/2018 17:14

Having this out in the open may be a good thing. Can you go and talk to your mum and somehow reassure her.

daughterofanarchy · 18/09/2018 17:21

Oh OP! I’m so Sorry you’re going through all this. I understand you not wanting to cause your Mum worry. I have issues at the moment in my life which I am keeping from my mother- again, like you I don’t want to cause her additional worry. I can only suggest you try sitting down with her to talk about the matters, the things you feel you can comfortably tell her.

Original poster

Anotherblacksheep · 18/09/2018 17:22

I've tried to reassure her that I'm fine. That I'm sorry but she won't hear it. She is so annoyed with her family and seems convinced she's failed me.
Marriage ended almost 2 years ago and I'm in a better place now. Last night just pushed a button

OP posts:

MrsPuff5 · 18/09/2018 17:23

Although it was likely a shock, you now have someone who loves you who you can talk to. I would hate to think any of my children wouldn't be able to come to be when they are older.

MrsJayy · 18/09/2018 17:27

You did nothing wrong you were frightenened and angry and turned to your mum she is probably feeling guilty and in shock as it was out of nowhere but you still didn't do anything wrong,

This relative is a total arsehole though and what they said is out of order.

glitterystuff · 18/09/2018 17:35

I see a story here of two women (you and your mum) feeling shame and regret, when neither of you are responsible. Your abusive ex is the one who is wrong and should be ashamed.

Get together with your mum - tell her why you didn't let her know while it was happening (maybe it was too painful to talk about, or maybe you didn't want her to feel the pain she's feeling now), then remind her she hasn't failed you - HE did.

You shouldn't be feeling guilty you eventually did tell her. She's your mum. You obviously love each other and now that she knows you can make it another reason to become more united - united against the abusive ex and the damaging ideas by society that caused your cousin to behave so badly.

That's not to say you must now go on a crusade, but you can quietly form a loving alliance that says you as women who love each other can go forward.

Give her time to process it. I'd feel terrible shock if I knew this happened to my daughter. And don't either or you DARE take ANY blame for any of this or how the knowledge of it came about.

That man is responsible. Him and only him.

Sending you both hugs.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 18/09/2018 17:39

Bless you I don't think you should feel bad - deleting social media is probably a good thing. Your mum just wants ti support you, it's not your fault at all. Your cousin sounds awful by the way.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/09/2018 17:40

Didn't want to read and run, but I really couldn't improve on what glitterystuff has said. Excellent advice.

Twotailed · 18/09/2018 17:41

Oh OP. Please don’t feel guilty. You have borne a huge burden and it’s ok to share that. None of this is your fault. Please be kind to yourself.

Original poster

Anotherblacksheep · 18/09/2018 18:25

Thank you for the support. Cousin also tried to tag abusive ex in post so she's obviously still friends with him.
I really feel like I've brought my mother down to the stage I was at 2 years ago.
She knew he'd beat me a couple of times but not the rest.

OP posts:

Lemond1fficult · 18/09/2018 18:41

What @glitterystuff said is bang-on.

Your cousin is a massive, victim-blaming twat though, and your mum is right to be furious with her. So you shouldn't feel guilty that she's having an entirely appropriate reaction to your cousin's behaviour.

Just enjoy your son, be proud that you're rid of your abusive ex, and revel in the fact that your mum has your back.

Alpacanorange · 18/09/2018 18:45

She is in shock. Give her time, love and reassurance, sadly I felt I let down someone down and had know idea how much pain they suffered. It really hurt me knowing I was unaware of the pain of someone so beautiful. She loves you, be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault or hers. Some people are abusive AND nice that is how they get get away with it initially.

murraythedog · 19/09/2018 09:59

You haven't done anything wrong. Your cousin, on the other hand, sounds vile. I'd be going NC with her for sure, especially if she's still in contact with the disgusting ex.

daughterofanarchy · 19/09/2018 18:50

How are you today OP? Hope you have been able to speak with your mum?

bridgetreilly · 19/09/2018 18:55

I spent a lot of time not telling anyone about stuff I was dealing with in order to protect them. Eventually I worked out that when I told them, not only did I feel better, but also they did not have the same burden from it I did. Because they hadn't had the actual experiences.

Your mum obviously cares about you and it will be hard for her to know what you've gone through. It will also be hard for her to know that you didn't share it with her. BUT she still hasn't had to live through it the way you did. Her experience isn't the same as yours and she will manage.

Now you can support each other together. You did the right thing (even if the timing wasn't brilliant!)

MatildaTheCat · 19/09/2018 18:59

Give your mum a bit of time to digest the shock. Reassure her that you are ok ( are you ok?) and arrange to meet up to chat about it in a few days.

She’s your mum so will feel guilt, horror and sadness. Not a brilliant way for her to find out but she knows now and can support you and understand you better. Should be better in the long run.

Original poster

Anotherblacksheep · 26/09/2018 23:41

Sorry to come back. For context, DM sees a psychologist regularly due to her debilitating condition.
Just found out she spent her last session talking about me. Even brought me leaflets etc.
She is refusing any contact from family (most of them have no idea about issue with cousin)
I don’t know how to handle this. Wish I’d never opened my mouth

OP posts:

Twillow · 27/09/2018 00:45

My mum knew I had suffered DA and wanted to know details but I couldn't bear to tell her. She died this year. She was so supportive of me and never doubted me for a moment. I wish I had told her now

Your cousin's behaviour was awful.

Benandhollysmum · 27/09/2018 01:03

Your cousins at fault, no loyalty and a bit of a 2 faced cow
She knows nothing and bumping her gums, you did nothing wrong.
Yeah you should of said something though I would have went to her house and ask her to repeat it to your face. Then smacked her a cracker and never speak to her again
We all have 1 family member who thinks they know everything but know nothing about us. let her rant she’s a bloody lunatic

TheSerenDipitY · 27/09/2018 01:44

dont feel guilty, and stop hiding the abuse, thats how so many abusers get away with it for so long, because you are embarrassed and are convinced it is your fault, start saying " no he beat me" " no he raped me" "no he was abusive" start owning it and start placing the right names to what he did, the sooner EVERYONE starts to acknowledge it the sooner you and your family can move on fully and live the best life you can ( which is the best revenge you can have) no more " he who can not be named" be honest with yourself and be proud of yourself, many woman stay and accept it, you beat the odds

ohtheholidays · 27/09/2018 02:27

Please don't feel guilty and your cousin can fuck she's a bloody idiot!

Do you think there's any chance she's been sniffing around your ex?Because it's weird that she's bought him up and tried to tag him in your post.

My parents passed away never knowing what I went through and although at the time I was glad I hadn't told them I now feel that our relationship could have been closer if they'd none what had happened.

Your Mum is bound to be upset about what happened to you and right now she's more than likely in shock which is understandable.Give her time to get her head around what happened to you and in the mean time just keep talking to her and reasuring her and for what it's worth I think it's good that she has someone to talk to about all of this it should help her work her way through how she's feeling about it all.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2018 02:29

This is all 'fresh' for your mum, she'll need time to process it.

Do you think it might help her if you went to a counseling session with her where you and her counselor could help her understand that nothing is her fault, and that you've had time to work through it and are doing fine?

PollyFlinderz · 27/09/2018 02:38

Op, I can say without hesitation that it’s great your mum now knows and though it will have have been a terrible shock to her she’ll very soon rally and recover from the shock.

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