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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is being unreasonable?

15 replies

SoCockneyItHurts · 18/09/2018 15:06

He drives me mad. I gave up my job 4 months ago to Home Educate our sick child. He earns all the money, its quite possible to live comfortably on his wages.

But we're always skint. We don't have a joint bank account.....never have had in 20 odd years. He works nights so is always around me from 1pm til 10pm when he goes to work.

He's started making comments about he's the only grafter etc. I've just worked out our finances and have asked him if I can take control of the finances as we need to budget. I'm the one who pays all the bills. He was up for this when I gave up work but now apparently I'm a control freak and telling him what to do.

He made a throw away comment along the lines of how I need to change the kitchen towel on the drainer once in a while....which I do but responded with the fact that I don't need to be told what to do. To which he said "wow you really don't like being told what to do do you?!" To which I asked him not to treat me like a child which was stupid as I knew he'd respond with "you act like one".

This all resulted from me wanting to take control of the finances. It's my birthday Friday and I know he hasn't got me anything as we're skint yet he's had plenty of time and money to plan. I'm fed up. Who's being unreasonable here please?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/09/2018 15:12

It doesn’t sound like you can live comfortably on just his wage if you are always skint.

It also doesn’t sound like he’s happy about being the only wage earner-which is fine, I can imagine it would be stressful for that to be solely on one persons shoulders and if it isn’t working, the plans should be looked at again.

How long are you planning to home educate for-can your child not attend school at all? Is mainstream not appropriate? Hospital/outreach education?

SoCockneyItHurts · 18/09/2018 15:19

Thanks for replying. We can live comfortably....the problem lies with my husband wasting money left right and centre. He gambles....I know he does but he denies it. We've split up over the gambling before and I got back with him on the promise he never would again. But he's "up the shops" for an hour at a time and I know he's in the bookies. We can't discuss things as it always ends up with him bringing up "all my faults". In his eyes it's his money, he earnt it and can do what he likes (within reason).

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 18/09/2018 15:25

That'll be why he doesn't want you looking at the finances then. He's guilty and shifting/shouting the blame onto you. Dick.

LongSummerDays · 18/09/2018 15:27

We can't discuss things as it always ends up with him bringing up "all my faults"

He's doing this to deflect his own faults. He doesn't want you to see the bank account as you would see the gambling.

What do you gain from being with him?

Seniorschoolmum · 18/09/2018 15:27

If he gambles, I’d be straight back to work and hire a tutor, for which I’d present him with 50% of the bill.

You need to tell him you can not rely on him if he is gambling, trust will vanish and he needs to stop or risk losing you both.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/09/2018 15:29

Could his gambling be putting your home at risk ?

SoCockneyItHurts · 18/09/2018 16:27

The home would not be at risk as I make sure I get the money as soon as he is paid to pay the bills. He's not a massive gambler....he doesn't earn enough to. He'd call it a hobby and spends most weekends watching racing or football. I've just got an issue with gambling full stop....I hate it. He said that if I take control of the finances he wants every penny accounted for. It's my own fault....ive been with him 22 years and have left him twice over similar issues. The last time I even filed for divorce and got as far as decree nicee then called it off as we got back together. Its a weird relationship and I feel so alone at times. I'm really struggling at the moment with my son's illness and his diagnosis. My family are very supportive but my husband hates them all so any time I spend with them its just me and my son. All hospital appointments its just me and my son....we even have an appt on my birthday at the hospital....again just me and my son.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/09/2018 16:30

You’ve left him twice over gambling, yet still gave up work-eek!

LongSummerDays · 18/09/2018 16:37

just me and my son

That sounds like a better option than your son seeing you being constantly criticised and your "faults" being used as a way to shut up your valid fears.

You've left him twice over gambling. He's got you back with him, with no job, he holds the money and uses you as a verbal punch bag. Honestly, there are decent men out there. You don't need to stay with a nob.

DorisLessingsCat · 18/09/2018 17:17

Yeah, you need to make plans to leave. Sorry.

SoCockneyItHurts · 18/09/2018 19:04

Leaving is impossible. I have no income, I can't get a job as I have nobody to look after my son and I wouldn't want them to at present....he needs me. I know I'm depressed but it seems to have really crept up on me lately. I haven't felt this shit for years. I feel trapped but to be honest my main concern and priority is my son. I'd walk over hot coals for him and do anything to keep him happy. I've been here before....it's my own fault. I just wanted to know whether my "husband" was being a dick or not x

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 18/09/2018 19:19

Leaving is ALWAYS an option . Assuming you are in the UK you would be entitled to benefits . Does your DS receive DLA! If so you could apply for Carer’s Allowance . You do have a choice .

StoneofDestiny · 18/09/2018 19:19

Yes - he is being a dick. You need a joint bank account. You need someone to talk to ~ a good, honest advisor. I'd be wary at letting the situation get any worse as it is clearly affecting your mental wellbeing. You shouldn't be in a situation where you have 'no income' if the income is meant to be shared.

Oldbutstillgotit · 18/09/2018 19:20

Sorry that should have been a ? Not !

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/09/2018 19:30

He is being a complete dick. Does he agree with hone educating your son? If so and there is no alternative then money needs to be pooled and he needs to help with house stuff in the evenings instead of criticising as you've effectively got a full time carer / teacher role
Doesn't sound like he'll change though.
I'd research if you left what benefits you'd be entitled to. With maintenance and help from family you might manage?

Would it be possible to get a job in an evening or weekend once your child is asleep? Sounds a bit miserable being at home with him. It might make you feel better and help you start an escape fund

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