To think eldest doesn't have to share with youngest

[Mumoftwo12345]

This may have been done to death but it's causing friction between me an DP.
We have two daughters (eldest from my previous marriage) 4 & 2
4yo is becoming more independent and structured in her play and her personality is that of organisation and neatness. Youngest is...well a wrecking ball tbh.

Dp believes eldest should share, everything, and vice versa but of course the youngest is always more interested in what eldest is doing/playing than the other way around.

The screaming and fighting over things has become almost unbearable and I don't think eldest should have to share everything she plays with, especially not immediately as soon as she starts to play with it. Some games are delicate and her imagination is flourishing. Youngest doesn't play the same way yet.

AIBU to tell DP to cut it out and help find alternate ways to sort the scrapping out?
Or taking turns to be utilised all the time, every time.

(I do make effort to play with both but of course can't be doing it the whole time, also our house is not large and all toys can not be housed in bedrooms away from the other sibling)

The toys problem is easy - if they are in your bedroom, they are yours alone. If they are left out in a communal space, then they are fair game. So if you don't want your sibling to play with X toy, put it in your bedroom.

In terms of "sharing" whilst playing - similar applies - if you want to play alone with a jigsaw / teddy / whatever go in your room. If playing in a shared room, then the sibling can join in.

It helps keep the place tidy as they learn to take toys away / keep them in one place, and also starts enforcing boundaries early about not going into private spaces uninvited.

If she doesn't want her sister to play with her toys, she puts them away in her room. Particularly if it's something precious to her or easily broken.

Toys which are not age appropriate for little sister or a potential choking hazard are put away by a parent, if left where little sister can get to them, so the older child has to ask for them when she wants to play with them.

If they're left in a shared space, then she can't complain if her sister takes them and plays with them.

Thank you. I feel rather stupid but like I said being caught in the crossfire can leave us a all very flustered and disagreeing over the right course of action. Parenting feels like it should be easier than this! Lol
I'm hoping as the youngests vocabulary develops they will start to be kinder to each other! Insert knowing sniggers here

the youngest's vocabulary develops? Then your problems will really begin!

Haha! I thought that after I hit post! Lord help us all

You really must allow the 4yo to have her own things and time to play with them without her younger sibling being allowed to take over.

My parents forced me to share everything with my younger sister else she tantrummed until she got it which meant that my toy was taken away "until you can learn to behave"

I do not see my sister at all now, she's 46 and still throws a mega tantrum when things don't go her way.

I have similar age kids, with similar problems, but the one thing that's getting to me is the damn high pitched screeching, anyone figured that one out?! She does it then giggles her head off whilst I'm getting more and more flustered!

I don't know about ownership of toys if she wasn't playing with them and is just being possessive, but I have a rule that toys on the floor are fair game and she should build on the dining table if she doesn't want dd2 to wreck it.

I make sure my three are able to play without their siblings if they wish. It works both ways, the older two like to play without my two year old jumping in and knocking things over etc and my two year old needs to be able to play so he can learn without his brothers bossing him about.

If he can't see reason, I'd start sharing all his stuff with him immediately. Like his phone, every time he tries to use it
This!
The stupid rule of sharing has been invented by parents who don’t want to properly supervise and use «please share» as an excuse for not preventing a child from taking a toy from another ones hands...
Of course you can teach to take turns, nothing wrong with that.
But why teach the children something that we don’t expect from anybody else, I have no idea...

Yes we have the screaming if things aren't going her way. It's instant time out and completely ignored while she sits on the step and screeches. Sometimes lasts for ages though which is exasperating.

The desired toys are barbie dolls and magiclip princesses. DD2 can be a little rough with them so has her own cheap dolls that don't mind having heads popped off. The dolls are in the living room as DD1 likes to rope mummy into playing. Thankfully neither child like Lego!

I never considered harbouring resentment between the children my concern was of eventual resentment of DP (as not being biological) and had concerns she might see him as favouring his own flesh and blood. He doesn't, and assures me he's feel the same if DD2 was older.

We're coming up with a plan of making their albeit rather small bedrooms, their sanctuary from each other (more notably DD1 from DD2) the youngest just wants to be where everyone else is

Special toys live in your room, if they're downstairs they're to be shared.

Does he feel threatened by the fact that your older daughter isn't his? Some men are weird like that...

It kind of sounds like he's more concerned about your older daughter not being given things over your daughter together. No treatment that could be viewed as preferential. Like he doesn't want the daughter that isn't his to have anything his own doesn't. Which is kind of silly when they're different ages with different personalities.

I don't think this is the case but she does come back from her dads with a view that everything is hers. It's a tough one because she doesn't have any competition over toys at her dads house and has to get back into the routine when she comes home. I admit to being rather soft and so perhaps need to take a more proactive stance. DP is trying to negotiate 'fairness' between the two but I think with the concept being lost on the younger one the older one cops the brunt of it.
We're all just muddling along trying not to get things too wrong. This just happens to be a sticking point at the moment which I needed outside views on as we can't agree the best stance.

Ah okay no competition at Dad's over toys then I can see why she might not come back in the most sharing of minds.

I think toys that are only age appropriate for the older one should be hers alone to play with rather than watch them be destroyed by the younger due to enforced sharing.

Especially gifts from the older daughter's father, I imagine he wouldn't be too impressed if a toy he bought for his daughter was broken by her younger half sibling all in the name of fairness.

My poor dgs1 (just 5) handed me his light saber and said I have tried to share with dgs2 (almost 1.5) 10 times but he keeps hitting me on the head with it. 9 times I have said don't do that dgs2, but he does and now my head hurts. It is one of the collapsible lightsabers that you need to open with a sort of overarm flicking action which the little one has just mastered.
Dgs1 is generally very patient and kind, dgs2 is a wrecker, adorable but could break tonka toys if we had any. We have to ensure that dgs1 has time/space to play on his own (or with an adult) with jigsaws, lego etc because he needs that time for himself. I agree with you OP not everything needs to be shared all the time but there needs to be consistency over which things are shared and which things aren't. Dgs1 also has to be reminded that some toys are dgs2's (and to let him play with them for goodness sake)

That's true korvalscat as DD1 is older she has more stuff as she's been around longer! So needs reminding that some stuff is actually her sisters.
We're not loaded so stuff she's grown out of gets handed down and herein starts the drama of 'hey that's mine' (happyland from 2 years ago that's been gathering dust at the bottom of the toy box)

Unfortunately your younger DD is st the most difficult age for this, in another year or so they will actually be able to play together.

Things that might help:

1. Start buying your little DD things that may be a bit too old for her now, but that older DD will be interested in. It gives more of an impression that all the sharing isn’t going one way if older DD wants to borrow younger DDs stuff.
2. Smaller toys that you have quite a few of (eg zoo animals, dinosaurs or matchbox cars) are much easier for teaching kids to share or play together rather than one ‘prize’ Barbie doll.
3. Kids need teaching how to play together, you need to get down & join in.
4. Your older DD does need space to play on her own & it’s up to you or DH to distract little DD at these times.

And in our house, toys are shared unless they are special bedtime cuddlies. If you’re playing with it then you keep it until you’re finished, but if you aren’t playing with it, then it’s fair game.

I definitely think the 4 year old shouldn't be forced to play with the 2 year old or forced to let her join in all her games. The 2 year old will be a lot more interested and it will just lead to the older one resenting her for ruining all her fun!

My DC are the same age. We have some toys that are 'special' and don't have to be shared. Anything delicate or games DS can ruin, come out during his nap time. Everything else is shared. Dd is learning that if she pretends she isn't interested in something, DS usually abandons it pretty quickly.

If it were me, the rules would be:

1. Anything you never want the other sister to play with stays in your room
2. Anything in the living room that you are not playing with is fair game for the other to play with. Accidental wear and tear is to be expected. This is sharing.
3. Deliberately breaking something that belongs to the other is not okay and requires a proper apology.
4. Disrupting the other's play (whoever actually owns what they are playing with) is rude and not allowed.
5. Playing together is a good thing and encouraged but having some time for separate activities is also okay. They don't always have to want to do the same thing and should be allowed to say so. You'll need to help them negotiate this, though, e.g.: "I'm doing my jigsaw now, but I'll come and play dolls with you when I'm finished."

Great ideas thanks for helping me navigate this, spoke to DD1 after school today (she brought something down from her room she's quite precious of) I asked her to take it back to her room and explained that anything she doesn't want her sister to play with must stay in her room and DD2 is not allowed in there and vice versa. She was really happy about it and stayed in her room colouring for about half an hour
I do get down and play with them of course I do, but of course in a 24 hour day, getting tea on, ironing, washing, work and everything else between there are times I'm going to need them to play alongside each other.
Really appreciate the comments, lots to go on

We don’t “share”, we respect each other’s belongings, we ask and we take turns for communal things. It works well for our two (8&6). Sometimes sharing can be a cover for downright cheekiness.

Kids learn to enjoy sharing by gaining a positive response and feeling from the times they do share. Being forced to share everything will make her resentful of her sister.