A rant about my shit husband and advice re DS

[greenBalloondeflating]

My husband was an abusive wanker. He's pissed off and living with another woman now

Which is all good by me. However we have a DS (6) who he hasn't bothered to see/contact since new year. It began over him sulking that I won't remove a non mol.

I don't actually have a non mol but the twat doesn't seem to understand that. He's on a mission to clear his name, which is apparently more important than you know, being a father to his son.

Because he's not bothered to do much at all since being threatened by Solicitiors letter with a non mol if he continued his campaign of harassment and abuse against me - I haven't needed to take one

My question is this... he doesn't appear to be doing anything, I haven't heard anything at all re contact for some months now. Previously I heard he wanted his day in court to "clear his name" and wouldn't seek contact till he'd done that with DS

I don't know if he ever will do anything or if that's that and we'll never hear from him again

My question is... supposing he did suddenly decide he'd like to give the whole Daddy thing a go again to DS, how easy would it be for him to do that?

Times gone on so long and DS basically was dropped and never spoken to or seen again. I tried for a while, sent contact suggestions via solicitor, offered him photos, phone calls, I even said he could attend DS birthday celebrations- all refused

I'm not sure what to prepare DS for really, that daddy may not actually be coming back to his life (which is what I suspect) or keep going with the script I've been using to date - that he will be back when we sort things out

I'm pissed off obviously, it's a very shitty thing to do to your child but I just have no idea what's right for me to do in terms of DS.

Could his father even just not have contact for several years then rock up to court in a few years time demanding contact? Would he get it?

He's an absolute dick but I never wanted DS to have zero relationship with his father, or just be dumped. This is all his fathers shitty selfish choice

Anyone out there??

Honestly I don't know. Sounds like you're well rid, what a waste of space.

Thought I'd answer to bump for you.

It sounds like he's using his so-called 'clearing my name' campaign as an excuse not to see his son.

I wouldn't allow him to see DS if he decides he wants to on a whim to soothe his dirty conscience

If he wants to see him, let him take you to court.

Hi op,
Sadly,you and your DS are not alone in this dilemma and it is just so wrong.
Do you have any contact with his family?if so can they give you any information about what he is doing or if he has mentioned seeing his ds?
Does he even pay towards his child?
What to say to your son is very difficult,especially as he grows older and begins to ask questions.not knowing everything,it's hard to suggest what to say.daddy can't be in contact because...?what?so hard to be honest yet not tarnish his father for him.as I said,I don't know what you will feel comfortable saying.he has to establish his own views on his father.
If he does return,you have to decide if it's in your son's best interest to see him,and if you are happy to,make it when and where and how,all on your terms,not his.if he refused then that shows he has no commitment to your DS and you can then decide on your next step.
As long as your boy has his l loving mum he will be fine op.
Live your lives and try to put this at the back of your mind until you hear from him.
Sorry I haven't got any real help t o offer but I expect other posters will.
for you

I'm no expert (you might be better off having this moved to Relationships - if you report your thread MNHQ can move it over for you).

I think if he ever decided to want contact, you'd be well within reason to ask for contact to be built up gradually over time. Make sure you keep a diary/evidence of everything he's done and everything you've tried though.

Yes he father can disappear for a few years and then come back. Contact may be built slowly, but a court is unlikely to ban him from ever seeing him again.

He sounds like a total dick

How old is your son?

I think, if he wants to see him, he really has to approach you firstly. He might not do that because he is a twat and might go straight to court, so prepare yourself for that.

if he does come directly to you, I would try and be as accommodating as you can, but obviously keep your DS Safe, so maybe suggest supervised contact with a member of your family (not you) or someone impartial. If he doesn't like it, remain reasonable, reiterate that you're NOT withholding contact.

Let him take you to court, they will see that you have been entirely reasonable and grant him some (probably not loads) of contact. If you're entirely unreasonable and point blank say no he could play that to his advantage in front of a judge and get more contact than is probably good for anyone!

I reckon he knows there's no non molestation order in place and it's a gift to him to use that as the excuse for not being allowed to see his child

It's says in the OP that the child is 6

The reality is if your ex turned up and wanted contact, a court would grant it (unless there is a really serious reason why not - ). Contact is seen as in a child’s interests. If he hadn’t seen your DS for ages, it would be a gradual process, possibly supervised initially. But from what you say he would not need to go to court as you’d agree contact? As to what to say to your son in the interim, I don’t know. If the ex thinks there’s a non mol order, it could be worth being very clear that there isn’t one - just a solicitors letter to warn of what can happen if the behaviour did not stop. There will be no ‘day in court’ unless you have to go for an order. Maybe set out your proposals in writing for contact, and keep a copy. That way, you have it to show that you have been reasonable in case if any court hearings. You also have it for later years to show your DS so he cannot feel resentful towards you for stopping contact (neglectful father’s do sometimes try to place the blame for non contact at the mothers door). See what his response is, if anything, and then maybe reconsider the issue of what to say to your son.
In general, it’s not good to criticise an absent parent to a child, but obviously there comes a point where a child realises if a parent just can’t be bothered.

I feel for you. My eldests father cut contact (for no real reason!) when my child was about 18 months. I then heard nothing from him until my child was 5 when I got a long letter about how he would like to be in his childs life. Being the optimistic (gullible twat) I am, I allowed contact. Child was excited to meet their father... And ten years later child is constantly let down, ignored, and basically treated as disposable. Obviously child is now old enough to make own decisions but if I could go back in time and keep the damaging fuckwit of a "father" away I would. Anyway possibly not helpful at all but I suppose what I'm saying if, if there is a way to stop this potentially happening to your child (and you think it will) I hope you find it. It's heartbreaking.

Yes he could rock up at any time when he's bored and demand contact. If he took you to court the court would very likely rule for contact to be regular and slowly increased.

I hope that he leaves you in peace instead of rocking the boat in years to come. For now I'd leave the ball in his court and tell your son that Daddy is working away?

I doubt he'll take you to court OP, he has no reason to has he, also, he might have to put his hand in his pocket !
I think he's using the NMO, as an excuse to stay away.

I would write to him and confirm there are no conditions in place at least once if not twice. I would keep a copy of the letter and a photocopy of the recorded delivery to his address and file for future reference.

It may be important years down the line if your ex blames you for no contact. Important to show your son this was never the case and with evidence that you did your best.

Beyond that, and if he does not contact his son you can't force it. Encourage kind and caring male role models for your little boy (grandfathers and family etc) and allow yourself to let it go. You are there for him, and you are all he needs right now. Move on with your life and make it the best possible life for you and your son.

If exdp gets back in touch (and can find you) in several years then cross that bridge when you come to it. By then your child will make his own decisions, as long as you have made good and honest decisions all the way through you will have nothing to fear.

Your son can have a full and happy life either way.

I think my suggestion would be something approximating to the truth.

If DS asks, then maybe
"I'm not sure when Dad will be back. I've tried to sort things out but he isn't replying. We'll just have to wait until he gets in contact."
If you want to sugar coat it a bit add, "sometimes grown ups lives get very busy, what with work and things."
If you feel inclined you could also say "we'll ring/email once more then we'll just have to wait until he gets in contact."

What a shitty way to treat you DS.

I've written to him. My solicitor has written to him. It's been clarified very clearly and right from the beginning even the warning of non mol letter made it clear it was not changing child contact arrangements. I've made it clear I cannot remove something that does not exist.

This is a man who doesn't even want a PHOTO of his child

He has one family member in the U.K.who has heard a very different narrative from the both of us. I gave up trying to explain myself quite early on though- they've been told I won't allow contact

I have proof I've gone over and above to get it for my DS - and his horrible father doesn't want it. There's always a hoop to prevent it e.g. "Not yet got furniture" or "need to sack/swap solicitor" or "not in my DS emotional wellbeing to phone him"

It's all bollocks. He's a cunt.

But what would you now say to DS (6) bearing in mind I have no clue but suspect that's the last we will hear of daddy till either the woman sees through him and dumps him, or my DS is old enough that there's no stressful parenting to do e.g. When DS can either tell him to get lost, or fall for whatever lies he will spin to him?