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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed with DH for trashing house and being out on the piss 4 days before baby is due

23 replies

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 02:23

We are due to have our first baby - due date is thursday. My DH has been out at a stag party all day, they were out on a boat. He brought all the blokes back to our house at half five, apparently having thought i would be out- in fact i had just got in and was plannning on having a nap before heading out with the wives and girlfriends (! we are wags i guess) of the stag for a bit of dinner. I didnt mind them having come back to the house for a couple of hours because I know my hubby wanted to make sure everything was fun/ran smoothly for his buddy whose stag it is. So I made myself scarce for a couple of hours then headed out as planned. When I got in they had all left. They are in the woods drinking it seems. The house stinks. I have spent most of the last month making it nicer and more homely to welcome the new baby!!! Now the sitting room stinks of smoke, the carpet has muddy footprints all over it, the rug also looks dirty. Even the windows look mauled....I have tidied away most of the beer cans/fag packets. I have put the sheets which cover our repulsive 3 peice suite in the wash. The windows are all open but it still smells. And my DH, having made a vague promise to be responsible with drink in case I go into labour early is shitfaced in some woods somewhere, and has no house keys with him. I am so angry I cant sleep. We will need to get the carpets professionally cleaned. The rug will have to be dry cleaned. We only just washed the patio windows yesterday and I will have to do it again tomorrow. And what if he collapses and comes to some harm in the woods....If I go into labour I will have to do it alone, he will be too drunk to come with me even if he does come home. He dragged me off to live in bloody ireland 6 months ago so I cant even call on my own family/friends to come into hospital with me.
ok perhaps I am overreacting about the sitting room. But not about him rolling around the forests blind drunk at 2 am. AIBU?

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 10/06/2007 02:28

well firstly good luck for thursday.

What kind of man is rolling about in the woods pissed at 2 in the morning when his first baby is due any day?

suzywong · 10/06/2007 02:37

I offer you sympathy and understanding, what a cross-making thing to have happened.
However, if you are considering re-washing patio windows I would advise you get your hospital bag by the door pronto as you sound like you are just about to go in to labour!

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 02:37

Yes yes yes! I knew I was not BU...and I am honestly pissed off and gutted....because DH really is a lovely and fabulous husband, albeit one who does like his beer every now and then...but I honestly thought he would keep it under control tonight, he said they would finish up around half eleven, he would keep his phone on at all times, he woujld not get too drunk etc....i thought it was a good sign when he left without keys as he obviosuly planned to come in at a reasonable time when I was still up.......When he showed up with the boys ay half five I just thought it was kind of sweet of him to be making sure they were all having a good time, cos lots of people backed out for various reasons, and the stag was a bit nervous about it all...it didnt occur to me they would make a mess....to be fair its not hideous, like red wine stains everywhere, they obviously tried to restrict smoking to the balcony...but the smell is very strong and has inbvaded everything in the sitting room...and the balcony was a bit muddyish and now the carpet is too.....i think i should theoretically be more annoyed about the current drunkeness than the house...but the nesting thing has led me to such hard work...i cant believe i have to do it again....and with the best will in the world dh is working all week and will obviosuyl spend tommorow dying of a hangover, so i will have to do most of the tidy up....oh he is a GIT.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 10/06/2007 02:39

I think your sense of smell can be more senstive when you are pregnant as well.

kiskidee · 10/06/2007 02:40

you are not over-reacting. your dh has been extremely unreasonable - no, thoughtless.

honey, don't clean up anything anymore. you are not the picker - upper in the state you are in.

go to bed, even if you can't sleep.

on Monday morning, he does the running around / phoning to get the house back into ship shape. say, that you tidied up already and now, his mess, his turn. you will sit around and wait for baby.

Tidy up the bedroom, and camp in there. after all, you really just need the loo, the kitchen and the bedroom when your lovely bundle arrives.

that is how i would deal with it anyway. as men like children will take as much rope as you give them. treat them like their mothers should have and they will put their tails back between their legs.

i don't mean to sound bossy, i am just and for you.

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 02:42

Well twinsetand pearls - thanks for the good luck wish! What kind of man indeed...a 32 year old otherwise responsible GP is that man rolling about in the woods at 2 am. And Suzy....you are probably right, I have my bags nearby...but I have been a bit cleaning obsessed all pregnancy to be fair, It is possible it is going too far with this window thing!!!! I think I need to loosen up about the windows. But not the rest. Oh I am so pissed off!!!! Even the baby is furious, it is kicking like insanity.

OP posts:
kiskidee · 10/06/2007 02:42

oh, give all your orders and reasons (not explanations) in the calmest stage voice you can muster. taken much more seriously than losing your rag or begging and pleading. (i teach teenage boys) and keep any orders and explanations brief and to the point.

[hugs ]

twinsetandpearls · 10/06/2007 02:45

THe baby will be picking up on your stress which is why you need to rest and he needs to pick up his mess.

kiskidee · 10/06/2007 02:46

oh, he left he keeeys! he, he [evil emoticon]

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 02:48

Ok, that is a good idea Kiskidee, calm, orders issued calmly. I have a feeling I will have to leave the house tomorrow to avoid the pointlessness if starting the issueing of orders before DH ( I dont really want to call him that right now, maybe FB would be more appropriate) is up/useful/coherent. The fool. I will kill him if I have to go into labour on my own. I will kill him if I have to bring the baby home to a kip. I mean the WOODS!!!! what is he, robin hood???

OP posts:
kiskidee · 10/06/2007 02:53

I mean the WOODS!!!! what is he, robin hood???

lol, you are right! what do grown men think they will achieve in the woods this time of night? teenage throwback behaviour.

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 02:55

yes, that did occur to me, he left the keys.....but I will only torture myself with images of him dying of exposure on the doorstep (on the hottest night of the year, yeah right) if I dont let him in. And I know I should just ignore that nonesensical thought...but I really cant sleep in case something happens to him. He will get so drunk he falls into the reservoir. Or he will collapse and aspirate on his own vomit. I am worried about him. I have phoned him twice in the last hour, I was going to pretent i was in labour to make him come home, but when he said 'are you in labour' i couldnt go throught with the planned lie....i said no and he quickly went back to talking gibberish/singing/professing undying love. And he didnt come home. I HATE HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW ( in the words of ...who is that singer...that is exactly the tune that sums up my marriage just now

OP posts:
kiskidee · 10/06/2007 02:59

put it this way, how considerate is he being to you right now, pg or not.

i didn't say 'don't let him in' just let him knock for a while....

then after 10 or 30 mins, depending on how long you can wait, open the door and say, oh, i wasn't expecting you back this morning.

if he falls in the reservoir or drowns in his vomit, he is too far from the doorway to be of any help, i'm afraid. so stop worrying about what you can't change.

do you get the feeling i am a school marm?

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 03:01

Yup, this is incredible teenage stuff. They are all friends since their teenage years and apparently spent most of their teenage years drinking in the woods together. It is a bit disturbing, moving back to FB's home village and witnessing his slow behavioual regression back to the early 1990s...I swear he became messier since we got here, he did not use to simply drop his used dental floss wherever he stood at the time, like a graceful tree shedding its used leaves. Being this close to mammy seems to have confused him. BUT IM NOT MAMMY!! although I might, soon , be a mummy, Hopefully not tonight.

OP posts:
kiskidee · 10/06/2007 03:01

how considerate has he been today before he got stinking drunk.

and he would be too far from the doorway for you to be of any help.

kiskidee · 10/06/2007 03:06

mitigating for him now, he probably saw tonight as the last time he can be one of the boys as he has an inkling that life will change forever really soon. it may be his way of saying, 'i am shit scared of becoming a dad' but he needs to say that. not behave like an arse.

so, nothing i have said above excuses his inconsiderate behaviour. remember, keep your orders simple, to the point and don't make loads of them. a few will do. and just one reasoning: i cleaned this place already: you messed it up. now its your turn.

daydreambeliever · 10/06/2007 03:16

I just rang him again. They are all singing U2 , theone about wild horses, and he now claims he has keys with him. Maybe he really does. I guess I should go to sleep and there is nothing I can do about any of it now. Thanks for the calming advice kiskidee.

OP posts:
wombat2 · 10/06/2007 09:05

Hi ddb - hope your dh rolled in sometime during the night and you did not yet go into labour! Not surprised you were angry! I would have been the same... Good luck for Thursday

FrannyandZooey · 10/06/2007 09:13

"swear he became messier since we got here, he did not use to simply drop his used dental floss wherever he stood at the time, like a graceful tree shedding its used leaves."

LOL ddb, if you can be that funny at 3 am when under severe stress, I predict you are going to make a GREAT parent

this is an idiotic thing for him to have done, but in a week or so you will have your new baby, and hopefully be feeling crazy with the love, for both him and your little one

Good luck with it all, make him get the mess cleaned up pronto (employing professional help if necessary) and get as much rest as you can

F&Z
x

plummymummy · 10/06/2007 09:21

Are you both Irish by any chance? That wit will get you through many a dark day U2 songs in the woods - can just picture it. Poor you - make him clean up and go out and get a pedicure or something indulgent. Good luck with the baby

Scanner · 10/06/2007 09:39

daydream - my dh did something similar a few days before my first baby was due, he had to go op north for work overnight to his home town. We talked about what would happen if I went into labour, he promised he wouldn't go out with all his mates from home and get drunk and if worse came to worse would borrow his Mum's car and drive home to me in London.

At 11 at night a very drunk dh called - I felt just like you do/did in the early hours of this morning, but didn't go into labour.

We now have three children, he's a wonderful dad and great hubby, but about 3 times a year he will have a 'big night out'. it winds me up, but really it's about the only anoying thing about him, so I'm prepared to live with it. I trust him, he'd never go off with anyone, just acts like an idoit occasionally.

Men huh!

DominiConnor · 10/06/2007 12:10

As a bloke, I regard his behaviour as disgraceful. Assuming he bothered to turn up to the ante natal classes (or was not giggling at the back of the class during sex ed) he will know that a baby is very likely to come out before the due date.
I have a quite macho view of fatherhood.
One's duty as a dad, is to get DW to hospital, regardless of who tries to stop you. That means not drinking at all in the run up, in case you need to drive her to hospital.
I even have an image of some drunk and/or hungover bloke stressed out and speeding to hospital. Not nice.

I hate cars, but learned to drive at 40 and bought a car because that was necessary to execute this duty.
Even though I didn't track mud over the carpets, I paid for contractors to clean the house with extreme prejudice whilst DW was in hospital, and because I'm a paranoid geekdad seriously vented the house in case the cleaning chemicals used affected a newborn.

I'd book the contractor now.

Reading the above, I fear sounding like I think I'm some sort of hero. Not so. Most dads I know have much the same view. If you want revenge on DP, then tell his mates. Most of them won't be impressed.

I'm not criticising you, but fear you missed a trick by getting a "vague promise" to be around.
Sadly, this immature twat needs management. Actually that's a common defect in Dads' position around childbrith. Women get told what they need to do. There's 100's of books, health visitors, ante natals etc, and often female relatives and friends.
Blokes get almost nothing, next time you're in a bookshop you will see 50 books for mothers and zero for dads. I don't even know if such a book exists.

You need to give him a list. Shit he needs to do. My "macho" view of fatherhood is that if you're not suffering "shock and awe" you're not doing it right.
That means he needs to understand that he is doing some graveyard shift feeds, that he needs to be "around", to do shopping, lifting, ferrying etc.
By a list, I do mean a piece of paper.

barina · 10/06/2007 12:26

Well on the bright side - maybe he has got it out of his system. Least he has done it now rather than when the baby is 3 weeks old and yr boobs are sore and really sleep deprived??
Kind of a stag night for him to before he gets thrust into the world of 24/7 fatherdom.

But yeah be pissed off, but I'm sure its the last bender he will be having for a long while!!

Good luck!

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