AIBU to be scared?

[Dizzyhyheadisspinning]

I have a mole in the corner of my eye, I was referred by my GP to my local hospital who then referred me on to a specialist eye hospital. I was seen yesterday and they suspect the mole is either a pre melanoma or a melanoma. It’s being removed next week and I feel incredibly anxious. My husband had told me to box it off and not think about it, I can’t speak to him about it, he dismisses my concerns and is making me feel like a tit for being worried. I might have cancer in my eye, I have to go to a hospital 50 miles away when I have children to think about. Surely it’s not abnormal to be scared or anxious?

YANBU, of course you are scared.
The good thing is that you have seen the specialist and it's being dealt with soon.

Of course you're going to be scared and want to talk about it. Is there any other family who will listen to your concerns? Have they taken a sample of the mole yet?

Of course YANBU. Would you like to join us on the cancer support thread? All the very best with your procedure

Men often deal with emotional worries by denial or compartmentalising.
Sort of “ If we don’t mention it, then we can pretend it’s not really happening”.
He’s probably terrified of the implications of you potentially having cancer, just as you are - who wouldn’t be, after all?
I think you need to offload your worries with a good friend or relative, preferably female, who won’t be afraid to face and discuss your fears.
You could also try gently explaining to your DH that you’re very frightened and need a hug and some emotional support. That may give him an opening to admit he’s scared too.
Sending you a hug, OP, and I hope the thing turns out to be a harmless lump. But you’ll be in good hands whatever, and you can trust that your doctors will give you the best possible treatment if it does turn out to be a melanoma.
My prayers that it all turns out fine for you. Good luck.

Depends. I’ve just had surgery for something not dissimilar. If you’re occasionally thinking about it and a bit worried then that’s normal. If you’re being melodramatic then it would be a bit ridiculous. ;)!

There is no point worrying until you know what it is in my opinion. But I know it’s easier to say than do lol.

Crossing fingers it’s benign

Definitely not being melodramatic and I’m trying to put myself in the mindset of there’s no point worrying until I know for sure. It’s just not being able to discuss it with him that’s difficult.

I can understand both perspectives. If it was my lump I'd probably feel like you, and if it was my husband's lump I'd probably feel like my husband. If you need to unburden can you share with people who are more detached than your husband can be?

What IS a pre-melanoma? What is the risk of it actually turning into something malignant? I bet the risk of being benign is like 75% or even much higher.

...oops, meant to say I'd feel like your husband if I was him. Typo city

God no, of course YANBU

My DH is the same. When I had major back surgery, he refused to discuss either the op, the possible consequences or logistics. Greatly added to my stress. Fortunately, my mum was brilliant.

Do you have someone in RL you can confide in?

From what I can remember the consultant saying pre melanoma is when the mole is getting ready to turn, when it’s removed it will be graded from 0-10 with 0 being the least active, if it’s low grade I won’t need any treatment, if it’s in the middle they’ll treat as cancer with chemotherapy eye drops and if it’s a full blown melanoma I’ll have the eye drops and radiotherapy.

Sounds like one of the 'pre cancer' conditions.
I bet most of us are living (well, perfectly happily & safely) with one today.

Then he’s the one being difficult not you. I think I would be disappointed if my partner wouldn’t let me discuss it at all.

One person cannot meet all of our needs. He clearly cannot cope with discussing it - is there someone else you could talk to?

I should say I have a dodgy mole and it's on my leg, which is coming off in Dec but I too have a DH who does not want to discuss it.

Neverender, I can talk to my siblings over the phone (they all live hundreds of miles away) and I have a couple of close friends. I don’t like to burden myself on my friends so tend to keep things to myself.

Just wondering if you’ve had your results yet and how you’re doing OP.

Karigan, I’m having the biopsy done on Tuesday with the results back in 7-10 days. So just trying to stay calm and keep a lid on my anxiety.

Ah sorry off on sick after my own surgery this week so brains fuzzled. You probably said that somewhere didn’t you.

Hope it works out ok.

Karigan, hope all goes well for you and you make a speedy recovery.

My partner gets like this sometime too. We're going through a fairly laborious infertility journey and sometimes he forgets that I need to dissect and talk through in detail the next process/procedure we're going through so that I know exactly what to expect.

I then need to discuss how I/we feel, which then leads to some comforting and maybe tears, and then I'm ready to face things again.

I think the way he deals with things it to very tightly compartmentalize things he doesn't like thinking about, and every so often I have to remind him that ignoring something big doesn't work for me.

Maybe you need to have the chat with him where you tell him what you NEED, ie to discuss this, considering it's a fairly scary thing you're going through.

BTW, I'm sorry you're having to go through such a hard thing and hope you'll be OK.

I know exactly how you feel, five years ago I had a lump in my neck/collar bone, I was told it was either infection or cancer (lymphoma) in the following four weeks I had scans, biopsies ect. I was so anxious it was a torturous wait, My DH was pretty dismissive he kept advising to forget about it until the results were back and that it was probably an infection, don't worry about it and so on. It really upset me I felt he didn't care or understand what I was going through. Turns out I did have lymphoma (I'm fine now). When I spoke to him re how he'd been during that time he told me that he was in fact terrified, he didn't want me to see how frightened he was, he said he wanted to prevent me and himself getting anxious so downplayed it and brushed it off at the time to help me. I didnt know but during that time he shed a lot of tears privately due to being so worried but didn't show me any emotion as he thought he was being selfish! I suspect and hope your partner is just as worried as you but is trying to keep some normality for all your sake, it's a horrible time but soon you'll know and I wish you all the best xx

@Dizzyhyheadisspinning I suspect your OH is having a personal battle with this!

@lljkk what on Earth makes you make that statement???

I really hope it's good news, but you still don't deserve an "I told you so" comment (not saying your OH will!) as your feelings are perfectly valid.

My dh does this too op. He says it's because he needs to be the strong one and if he shows me his anxiety then I will worry more.

I had a biopsy done from my eye not long ago. It was benign luckily. But it was unpleasant and my dh acted like it was no big deal. When I was recovering however he brought me food, hot water bottles and generally fussed over me. I have another mole in my eye I have to keep a watch on and always wear high glare sunglasses.