To ask ex to give child time before contact

[bananamuncher]

Left an abusive relationship in a dramatic midnight rescue with toddler last week, went back to family in UK. Father is in another country and is demanding to see the child for his birthday in a few weeks. I think it's too soon, the child is afraid and traumatised, I don't want to see my ex either. I'm not denying access but really feel the child needs time to adjust and feel safe before he sees the man who abused his mother. There have been many occasions when toddler was hugging me saying "I love you mummy" while his father called me a fucking bitch (and much, much worse), shouted, got drunk and abusive, threatened to rape me, and worse.

Am I being unreasonable to put strict conditions on access? The father is acting as if I am, but I'm just trying to protect my child and myself from this guy. It feels like he's still trying to manipulate me even now I'm gone.

If things were so bad you skipped the country why the hell would you hand your dc over to him? Do you really trust he would bring the dc back to you?!!!
The court route or no route imo.

I would not be letting an abusuve man anywhere near my child.
But, you need to report and document the abuse and get proper legal advice.
You haven't said whether you are married or if he is in child's birth certificate.
Also, you should post in relationships or legal. Not AIBU. You need measured advice.

Don't let him anywhere near your child. Well done on escaping him xx

No contact ever, unless supervised and ordered by the court. I wouldn't trust him an inch. That poor child.

In general contact with an absent parent is seen as a right of the child and in the child’s interests, even if the parent has been abusive to the other parent. BUT, where the child has been witness to the abuse and therefore a victim in their own right, it is much more complicated. There are also likely concerns about absent parent trying to turn child against the mother, again, not in child’s interests. If you have had to flee this person, there are clearly a lot of things going on here. At this stage, if there is to be any access, I’d say generally if a court was involved, it’d be looking at supervised contact, so I’d say you are well within your rights to say no at the moment, but get some professional help, go to a family solicitor.

Absolutely no way you should be forced into contact, especially if your child doesn’t want to!

Let him take it to court and ask for supervised contact. Write down your reasons for this, using specific examples of abuse and also your child’s response to the abuse.

Contact a child advocacy worker, who can come and speak to your child and speak for them in court if needed.

Have you contacted women’s aid for advice for yourself OP? You need time and support to heal after abuse too.

He isn't trustworthy to be left alone with the child. And you aren't safe taking him to see him. So it needs to be a no until it goes through Court.

Does he know where you are? Is he ikely to turn up regardless? Have you notified your local police station and locked his passport up somewhere tight ideally with a different family member?

Yes he knows where I am, I'm not sure he'd turn up here though tbh. I'm going to get legal advice, I have video evidence of him drunk and refusing to leave the room with my sleeping child in and calling me a bitch, I also have evidence of him trapping me in a room. Legal advice is obviously what I need I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now, and happy to be out.

Don't let this man anywhere near your child.

I wouldn't hand my child over to that man under any circumstances. A person that abusive might just refuse to give him back to get at you. If he was willing to abuse his mum in front of his child he clearly isn't capable of considering the child's welfare at all.

What country did you come from?

If it is a signatory to The Hague Convention then he could issue proceedings to get you sent back. The point being that if you want to leave with DC it is a decision for the court of that country to make, not the UK. If this legislation is applicable to you, he obviously hadn't realised and I'd worry that if you take preemptive steps yourself then he may twig.
You do have a defence to any Hague proceedings.
If you do get into Hague Proceedings, it's a very niche area of the law and you must use a lawyer who is familiar with it. I used to practise in this field but don't now.

I had and still do have the father's permission to come to the U.K.indefinitely with my child, so I'm not too concerned about that aspect, but the issue is with access and what I could/should do about it. I want my child's interests to come first, but he's afraid of his father and I will respect that.

Just tell him no and if he wants access to go to Court. What country is he in? Not sure how child support works abroad but is he contributing financially?

The reason I have permission is because my husband said he didn't want to see us, so he wanted us away from him. I was planning on returning home anyway, but the situation escalated dramatically and we had to escape earlier than planned. Now he's demanding access, which I feel I should give him (but not alone, and not yet). I think I'm still being manipulated, but I need legal advice here so I make the right decisions and don't get into trouble.

No financial support right now no

Do not let him have any access. Get in touch with Women's Aid ASAP. Well done on escaping him, he's still in your head though - maybe look at doing the Freedom Programme.

Your poor child sounds terrified of him. Just don't let him have any access whatsoever.

Supervised access only makes sense. What country was your child born in? And what country is your ex in? And what country did you leave? (Sorry if those are all the same, just for clarity.)
Are you staying with family in the UK now and can you afford legal advice? Could be useful to ask for a good lawyer recommendation in the legal section and start there. Good luck.