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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child bully’s birthday party! Do I let my daughter go or do I decline the invite

50 replies

Foofloofah · 17/09/2018 23:20

Just that really. DD isn’t bothered about going as she dislikes this child who bullies her in Y1.
AIBU to insist she goes her to the party to show her my DD isn’t afraid of her or is this wrong message I am teaching my child?
Need advice x

OP posts:
Ihavepatrick · 17/09/2018 23:21

Decline

nancy75 · 17/09/2018 23:21

Don’t make her go, if your Dd doesn’t like her why would she want to go to her party?

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 23:21

Isn’t bothered or doesn’t want to go?
Isn’t worried? Then go.
Doesn’t want to? Don’t.
I think forcing your child to spend time with someone they dislike as they are unkind to her is giving the wrong message.

BaronessBomburst · 17/09/2018 23:23

Just decline.
You wouldn't go to a party of someone you didn't like.

RavenWings · 17/09/2018 23:23

No, you decline - I'm speaking as a teacher. In life we don't hang out with people with people we don't get on with outside of essential circumstances, never mind give them presents and celebrate them. I don't think pretending otherwise is a good message to teach your child.

Allthewaves · 17/09/2018 23:23

Er no. If she doesn't like someone then why on earth would young onto their party.

DramaAlpaca · 17/09/2018 23:23

Decline. I don't get why you would even consider sending her to the party of a child who bullies her.

RavenWings · 17/09/2018 23:25

And also:

to show her my DD isn’t afraid of her

Other kid won't be thinking about this or much care imo. You're applying adult logic and thought patterns to a child's brain.

Original poster
Foofloofah · 17/09/2018 23:37

Thanks...I find navigating the world of 5-6 years olds as an aldilt quite tricky. I will ask my DD if she would like to go tomorrow after school. If she says no I will decline the invite. Another child of the same class has recently also become a target of this bully and is also not going to the party.

It’s true that I need to teach my child that she doesn’t have to socialise with someone she doesn’t like for genuine reasons.

It’s tough as I am good friends with the kids mother and it’s awkward but tough right, my daughter comes first. And no I haven’t broched the subject of the bullying with the mother as I was advised to speak to the teacher which I did. To no effect unfortunately. The mother of the newly bullied child by the same kid is also going to speak to the teacher. Maybe now something concrete will happen.

Never thought I would have to deal with this. I will decline the invite politely and leave it at that.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/09/2018 23:41

Bear in mind that the child is 5. ....they are growing and changing so much at this time. Bulky one week. Best friend the next, But it’s up to your dad whether she goes or not.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/09/2018 23:46

Decline- you have a prior engagement don't you? I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Just that you have plans already then take dd out somewhere for the day.

Original poster
Foofloofah · 17/09/2018 23:48

Sadly this bullying has been going on since the beginning of reception. I am going to have to put my foot down and make it stop. But with regards to the party I will let my dd decide. I think that’s a wise move.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foofloofah · 17/09/2018 23:49

I strongly suspect she will not want to go. I will have a prior engagement doing what my DD wants to do!

OP posts:
Lamdalipa · 17/09/2018 23:51

I truly think a child of 5 cannot “bully”. They don’t have the intellectual capacity to premeditate and target in the way in which the word “bully” means.

Kids don’t alwyas get on but that doesn’t make them bullies, or victims.

Original poster
Foofloofah · 17/09/2018 23:52

This child stops my DD from playing with her friends, kicks, punches, bites and shouts at her. Isolating a 5 year old and targeting them with violence and disturbing words such as “bitch”, is my definition of a bully. Sorry but not all 5 year olds are equal or nice.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:53

Have you spoken to school.about bullying?

Definitely don't go to party.

Lamdalipa · 17/09/2018 23:54

And very very often, children who are behaving in a way that other adults and kids don’t like, usually have some sort of unmet need they’re acting out on. They’re not just “bad”

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:56

Sorry didn't read one of your updates. Keep nagging at the teacher. The teacher won't know it is still going on if you don't tell her/him. Remember most of this goes on in playtime I assume and teacher is not there. Chances are teacher has had a word with child and as nothing else has been reported to her they have assumed its all resolved

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:59

Lamdalipa whether or not this child has an "unmet need" is not the OP's responsibility. The OP has a responsibility to her own child and quite rightly has prioritised that. If the school are worried about the bully they have a duty to report concerns to SS etc. OP has a duty to her own child.

Original poster
Foofloofah · 18/09/2018 00:01

Yes I am definitely going back to the teacher and keep on top of it. It’s escalating to other kids too now and quite possibly happening in the playground as suggested.

I have observed the child and she is desperate for attention. I think she is lonely and unhappy, dare I say it spoilt. Always in childcare. Parents work hard. They are good people, no issues with me there. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. The child is also oddly adult like in her mannerisms and persona. Odd for a child. Lies a lot, bossy, forceful. Odd really. No excuse for harming her peers though. No excuse for it at all.

OP posts:
Lamdalipa · 18/09/2018 00:02

I haven’t suggested otherwise, but I’m pointing out that this is a little child. And if a 5 year old is being violent and using language like that then it’s pretty clear that there’s something else going on! Don’t demonise her, see what’s going on! That doesn’t mean it’s ok to behave like that but there must be a reason why she’s doing it, beyond “not nice.”

Lamdalipa · 18/09/2018 00:04

Cross posted - that sounds a lot more compassionate.Smile

frogface69 · 18/09/2018 00:05

Lam
At 5 years old I was spat on, kicked, slapped, had my underwear constantly pulled down, lunches tipped on me and had everything that could be taken from me destroyed. Every week.
I couldn't give a flying fuck about unmet needs shit.

Lamdalipa · 18/09/2018 00:07

Frogface I’m sorry you went through that. But it changes nothing. There was in all likelihood something going on with the way they were being treated too.

PorkFlute · 18/09/2018 00:10

Why on earth would your child want to go to be subjected to that behaviour and why would you allow it. It wouldn’t be showing the child yours isn’t scared of her it would be showing them they can treat your child as they like.
Why would you put them through that for some kind of bravado? Weird.