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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to question DS who asked for counselling?

16 replies

Cocoput · 17/09/2018 21:05

Hi there.
My son is 12 and has asked if he can have counselling. It was very, very out of the blue. He seems very happy and we haven't questioned how he's felt at all. As soon as he asked, I automatically jumped to "why?" and he just replied "I'd like to" and I didn't really know how to respond, if I should push it more why he wants it or if I should just take him to the GP/find a private counsellor.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Moody123 · 17/09/2018 21:07

How very odd!
I would probably ask if their was anything he would like to talk to me about, but if he thought he needed it I would arrange for some.
He must have something serious on his mind poor lamb

Original poster
Cocoput · 17/09/2018 21:08

I know Sad since he's asked, he has still seemed the normal, happy boy he always has. I'm wondering if I just don't mention it again until he does.

OP posts:
Justincase87 · 17/09/2018 21:12

Maybe he's seen it on TV or one his friends has counselling and he wants to give it a go..? Might be worth contacting the school and seeing if they have any concerns, maybe form tutor could have a word.

HMC2000 · 17/09/2018 21:12

I'm on the side of taking him to the GP. Or letting him talk to the GP in private, about the possibility of counselling. The NHS waiting lists are massive, so if he does see a counsellor it would probably need to be private, but a GP visit might preempt it - if there is an issue that he shares with the GP, he may then feel more able to tell you, or to deal with it without counselling. But don't push him.

EmilyRosiEl · 17/09/2018 21:18

It's probably a good idea to just arrange counselling. If you cannot afford it then private counselling will mean he doesn't have to wait for a year. You can ask him if there's anything he'd like to talk to you about or whether it's something he wants to talk to someone else about BUT don't pressurize him if he doesn't want to talk about it.

EmilyRosiEl · 17/09/2018 21:19

** if you 'can', not cannot.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/09/2018 21:19

I think you need to gently ask what types of issues he wants to discuss. Otherwise how are you going to find the right sort of counselling? There's counsellors to help you with relationships like family where you all go, there's CBT to stop anxiety and negative thought patterns, there's counselling to address issues in the past that may be having an effect now, there are specialists for specific problems like ptsd or eating disorders or low self esteem etc. I wouldn't think it will do much good to send him to generic counselling without knowing the aim.

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 21:19

I agree to taking him to doctors or private if you prefer. Talk to him again if you feel like you need to know the details but at his age he might not even be able to explain the issues without a professional drawing them out but I wouldn't ignore it as what message might he get from that (he's been bad/you don't understand him/listen etc).

Rebecca36 · 17/09/2018 21:23

Does your son's school have a counsellor? Many do. My son's did and a lot of the kids used it as a way to get out of lessons, also told the counsellor a lot of stuff about them being big drug dealers and getting girlfriend pregnant (when they were 12!!!).

However it is a useful facility for those genuinely needing someone unbiased to talk to.

There will always be things that are better talked over with someone other than a parent.

ShawshanksRedemption · 17/09/2018 21:27

I would ask "Why do you think you need to see a counsellor?" and "Do you know what a counsellor does?". A counsellor isn't someone to just chat to, they are there to help you work through things, and the individual does have to work at making changes.

Talking to school is a good idea, not just so that they can flag any concerns with you (although I'd hope they'd have done that by now anyway), but also because they may have access to a counselling service.

TheZeppo · 17/09/2018 21:28

Defo trip to GP I think.

Also, can you help set him up on the Childline site? He can access counsellors on there. Or on the phone: 0800 11 11.

Let him know you’re there for him too, but don’t push. It’s bloody ace he feels able to ask this.

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 21:30

Oh yes I forgot the pastoral care team at our school includes a counsellor.

Bobbybear10 · 17/09/2018 21:36

‘A counsellor isn't someone to just chat to, they are there to help you work through things, and the individual does have to work at making changes.’

That’s not necessarily true.

Some counsellors are happy to ‘just chat’ if a person feels they need someone to talk.

If you live alone or just generally didn’t have anyone to offload about day to day things to then a private therapist/counsellor can be a God send.

You don’t only have to be crippled with MH issues for a therapist to be beneficial.

Darkstar4855 · 17/09/2018 21:49

We have something called the Youth Trust locally, it’s a charitable organisation that offers counselling to kids. Might be worth seeing if there’s anything similar near you.

FWIW I think you should support him but not push him to tell you why if he doesn’t want to. I think encouraging kids to be open about their feelings is very healthy. You may find after a session or two he feels more confident in telling you what (if anything) is bothering him.

agnurse · 17/09/2018 22:05

I'd recommend asking him if knows what a counsellor does and if there's a particular reason he'd like to see one. (I was taught in nursing school not to ask "why" questions because they can be seen as probing and challenging. This is why I would phrase it as "Is there a particular reason you'd like to see a counsellor?" You can explain to him that you're only asking because you want to ensure he gets a referral to the right person.)

ShawshanksRedemption · 17/09/2018 22:11

@bobbybear If you live alone or just generally didn’t have anyone to offload about day to day things to then a private therapist/counsellor can be a God send.

A private one yes you could pay just to talk to. I'd hope though they'd work through why you don't have friends or other people in your life to offload to. A therapist doesn't go through many years of professional training and qualifications just to be someone's friend, even if they are being paid. They would want to help the client and support them to make changes in their life so they would not be lonely.

On the NHS it's even more about helping people, not just being someone to chat with. The service is oversubscribed and then some, so just wanting a weekly chat won't get the GP to agree to a 6wk counselling session.

From BACP about what therapy can help with. www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-therapy-can-help-with/

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