To think the least DH could do is send a text?

[CryingOverSpiltMilk]

DH is a teacher and can leave work quite late, I totally understand this, teachers put in a lot of extra work and I can also leave later than I should, that isn't my AIBU. However the main difference is DH never tells me he'll be late but I will always let DH know before or when I start to run late. Although DD has childcare arrangements this does affect our evening as her childcare is near his work, if he were to text me I could make sure I left work bang on time or a slight bit earlier if necessary to pick up DD so she could have a consistent routine. If I am at home, I sometimes wait for us to have dinner with him but then have to call him to be told he hasn't left yet. In the last week he's been consistently late without a word from him.

I'm probably going to have to be leaving work myself on the dot to get her instead from now on but AIBU to think even as a teacher you are able to send a quick text to say when you'll be leaving or that you'll be later than usual?

Are teachers allowed their phones on them in school? I know office jobs where you have to lock your phone away whilst at work so could imagine it’s the same in a job involving kids.

Can’t you just ask him why?

As a teacher you can leave at the right time every day, and bring the rest home to do. That's what I do. I have to collect dd2 at 5, so I leave school at 4:30 so I'm there to get her. Whatever hasn't been done by 4:30 comes home with me.

My hod (male if it matters) also leaves by 4:30 unless he has a meeting, also for childcare reasons.

Of course he can text you!! He just doesn't care that it's inconveniencing you when he's late.

Me and DH are both teachers. We leave early, sort children out and work in the evening.

He could text you, he could leave by 4.30 every night that’s not a meeting night. He’s just choosing not to.

As a teacher you can leave at the right time every day, and bring the rest home to do

Erm, not in every school. We can't take children's books or our laptops home. I can't arrange my continuous/enhanced provisions at home, I can't sort out my classroom, photocopy, update pupil tracking, mark, do displays etc at home. We have staff meetings regularly as well as SLT meetings, clubs we all have to take turns doing and planning meetings. We're expected to stay in school until at least 5pm but it's often much later. Not every school is the same.

Both my parents are teachers and, bar scheduled meetings or after school activities that they are running, they always leave not long after the children. Marking and prep work that haven't been done during school hours are usually done after dinner.

cats that sounds awful. I can't imagine why you can't take books and laptop home to do stuff at a time that is convenient for you. I'll happily grant that some things require school systems to be able to do them, and it's obviously impossible to put displays up from home. But the rest, the marking and planning, which I hope is the majority of the work teachers do outside of the classroom, there is absolutely no need for that to be done on the premises. I don't think any schools round here have any expectations like that.

I will amend my reply to say "in most schools you can take the extra work home with you"

Data protection apparently - children's full names are on the books so they can be seen in my car, at home by friends/family etc. Seems bizarre, but I guess I can sort of see their point. I do miss being able to mark at home!

Data protection apparently - children's full names are on the books so they can be seen in my car, at home by friends/family etc. Seems bizarre, but I guess I can sort of see their point. I do miss being able to mark at home!

Completely ridiculous! I can take books home as required.

I guess it's difficult to say without knowing why. Can he bring work home? Can he have his phone on his at work (when he's not teaching obviously)? Why does he say he hasn't texted? Did he just forget? Or does he say he is literally unable to? Perhaps he could agree to text you as he leaves each day - that way you know if you haven't had a text by a certain time you'll need to get DD.

I was previously married to a teacher who would always be able to text if running late. Never known a school where teachers can't have phones out once kids are gone. Even during a lesson if there was an emergency there's always email. And barring actual meetings and emergencies (which tend to only arise for HOY/Hod and above), no reason work can't come home if there are childcare responsibilities

Arrange the days in advance - week 1 he picks up 3 times on, you twice, then the next week you swap.

Thing is, it takes me about 45 minutes to get there, 10 minutes for him but if he's an hour and a half late to even leave, there's no point in him picking her up because I'd be better off spending time with her and getting bedtime stuff ready. I just never know when he'll do it and he never communicates when he does pick her up either until I ring him. We had an occasion where he didn't answer his phone and I had to call and say I hadn't heard from him o I was on my way. They said they would pass on a message to call me if he picked her up. If I'm honest, it's not the only time but looks terrible if I keep having to do that.

I've spoken to him about it today and the lateness is this GDPR thing apparently, they can't take work home which is fair enough (although I feel there does need to be a work around for certain professions and perhaps certain schools might be using this to get more out of their teachers). He has admitted he can text just doesn't. I'm guessing that will continue because I've had this chat with him numerous times now.

If it's a gdpr thing, they should be able to transport materials in a coded lockable large briefcase type thing, we have to do it for our service user's files (although justice is largely paperless now but we have to go to MAPPA and other multi agency meetings with highly sensitive and confidential information, but just a name on a text book). Alternatively can't the children just write their first name and initial on the books? Johnny S Yr 9 maths, set 2. The books themselves don't contain confidential information.

I couldn't fit 34 thick A4 sized books in a briefcase, possibly in a lockable suitcase, but what a pain.

Sometimes we have three Johnny Ss. It's school policy for full names on books.

They're not all briefcase size, I have one on wheels. How do you think legal documents are transported, trial bundles etc? It's a ridiculous policy for something many other industries who transport highly sensitive information deal with, without issue.

Irrespective of the logistics of staying late vs bringing work home, it's clear that he could communicate better and even he admits that, so this isn't really a problem with his working conditions. I'm not sure I have any real advice, as I also have some longrunning beefs with my DH that get talked about repeatedly, followed by promised or even brief change, with things then subsiding back to the same old problem. It's a really crappy way to behave imo. So I sympathise, but I think all you can do is take control of the problem by dealing with pickups yourself, or get into an ever-escalating pattern of arguments and ultimatums. It sucks!

Catsarelife
Also more than a pain than not being able to go home after a ten hour day because you have marking to do? Or more of a pain than coming up with another labelling system for books? All students have id numbers on books instead for example, or they write their names on the inside of the book. As I said other industries have easily overcome much bigger issues with transporting large amounts of information that is actually sensitive, rather than just the name of a child.

Once the children have gone at 3.30 or whatever it’s fine to use your phone.

I did mention a suitcase

It's not up to me, I was just saying what happens. It comes from above and I don't have any authority to challenge it.

You need to make proper arrangements between yourselves about who is picking your DD up when. If he is going to be consistently staying on late, he needs to let you know in advance (like that morning!) so that you can collect your DD.

I'm just starting working flexi time. DH and I already have it sorted between us which says I'm getting the kids and which days he is. So there's none of this one of us will randomly stay late.

@Catsarelife of course you can challenge it if it means you are being made to stay at work for hours way above your contract, especially for those with dependents or people reliant on them for care! Go to your Union if you don't want to do it yourself.

Try and make it affect him- if he doesn’t want update you by x o clock he has to collect. End of. Personally I’d also throw out his dinner if he is late and can’t messgae by then because it’s so incredibly disrespectful.
In the short term it prob means less home time for uour dd but soon he hopefully gets that he’s making life easier for himself by texting you. Especially if he doesn’t get dinner.

But also make it clear you are doing this because you have had to change tactics . You can’t have a normal discussion with him about balancing family life for him you and your children, so you have to switch to negotiating techniques for dealing with Really Self-centred People. And that it deeply upsets you to move him to this category.