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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sick relative and work aibu

20 replies

Sunkist12 · 17/09/2018 14:37

Not so much aibu but wwyd? Heard some sad news that my grandad has suffered a stroke this afternoon. He's been unwell and declining in health for over a year now. I don't believe the prognosis is great, mainly given his age and other ongoing issues he's having. Because of this, I want to be there and potentially say my goodbyes. I have contacted work and they have flat out refused leave and advised I'd be down as awol if I don't turn up. I'm on my way to work now but thinking i really should turn the car around and I feel like I'm choosing work over him. Tell me, what would you do in my position?

OP posts:

MTBMummy · 17/09/2018 14:39

Go see your grandad, you can always find another job, but you can never get back not being able to say goodbye.

Notajourno · 17/09/2018 14:40

I would go to him. You will never regret saying goodbye. You will forever regret not saying goodbye.

I would put it in an email that you will be out of the business from a to b and the reason and that you understand this will be recorded as AWOL.

RangeRider · 17/09/2018 14:41

You have a choice - go and see him but don't get paid for the time, or don't go until after work. It depends on how much you need the money, what trouble you'd get into at work, how serious the stroke is, and so on. No-one can make the choice but you because it's individual circumstances. But strokes aren't always immediately fatal (my gran's wasn't - she lasted over a month) so you may well be fine leaving it until tonight to travel. And equally he may not be aware you're there at any point.

YoumeandlittleP · 17/09/2018 14:42

This happened to me on my first day of an induction week for my first paid teaching role. I left. My Nan was far more important to me than a job, even though I'd waited for nearly a year to get it. I am very close to my Nan though and I was staying with my parents so I wasn't going to lose the roof over my head over it. I still would have left though given the chance.

FlipnTwist · 17/09/2018 14:46

Tell work the situation is making you too anxious to go in to work and then it will be recorded as sick.

Original poster

Sunkist12 · 17/09/2018 14:50

Honestly, I don't believe he'll leave hospital. He was fit and well but his health has declined so much over the last 13 month's to the point he can no longer stand. He has carers that come in a few times during the day as my poor nan just can't help. I think I'll call my manager and say I can't come in during this circumstances.

OP posts:

Littletabbyocelot · 17/09/2018 14:53

Can you say you are too distressed to come in - I. e. off sick?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/09/2018 14:55

I'd double check your compassionate leave policy. Long term though I'm not sure I'd like to work for a company with so little compassion. Though it may just be that individual boss. On a basic level you're hardly likely to be doing a good job with your mind on something like this. If you're generally a good employee and don't take much time off its very harsh of them

IABURQO · 17/09/2018 15:46

Just say you're really sorry but you are worried he won't make it to the evening, you understand it'll be marked AWOL but if required you'll make up hours another time. I find it extraordinary that your boss wouldn't at least offer you unpaid leave. What job do you do?

RedSkyLastNight · 17/09/2018 15:53

is it practical to see him after work or does he live several hours drive away?

Neshoma · 17/09/2018 16:15

Have the Drs given him a prognosis? If yes, then go and see him. If not can you go after work? I think you only get compassionate leave for close relatives - spouse and child.

Have you had a lot of time off for other things, maybe thats why they have declined.

CherryPavlova · 17/09/2018 16:18

Feels very mean spirited unless you’ve had lots of time off recently. I wouldn’t write your grandfather off just yet though. Thrombolysis has transformed the prognosis of many strokes.

RangeRider · 17/09/2018 16:20

I think I'll call my manager and say I can't come in during this circumstances.
You sound as if you're planning on taking an extended period of time off - all of while he's in hospital? It's one thing taking an afternoon off if you think he's not going to make it till evening, but it's another to take an indefinite time, possibly weeks, off. Most companies would be pissed off with that & jobs aren't generally that easy to find....

CaseStudyResearch · 17/09/2018 16:21

Tell work that you will take it as annual leave or unpaid leave. Unfortunately most companies’ compassionate leave policies don’t extend to grandparents.

Previous posters are right - he is more important than the job.

BigChocFrenzy · 17/09/2018 16:22

Can you visit him at the weekend, so you have more time ?
As he survived the stroke, your visit should not be that urgent

If you depend on that job to pay bills, I'd make sure you hang on to it until you get another

HashTagLil · 17/09/2018 16:32

I work for the NHS who are notorious for not caring about their staff. When my Nan had a stroke (and was only given hours to live) I didn't ask work, I told them I was going to see her and would keep in touch with further developments. They were surprisingly fine about it.

Go and see your Grandad or you will always regret it.

Littletabbyocelot · 17/09/2018 17:41

Hashtaglil, I had a very different experience in the NHS. When my grandmother died I was given a weeks compassionate leave & in the run up to my dad's death I was continually asked if I was OK to be there, it would be OK if I wanted to be with him (there were so many scares I just kept going up at weekends and tried to keep normal life going).

Neshoma · 17/09/2018 18:56

I agree *Little, when my FIL passed away suddenly I got two weeks off, but I did put a lot of effort in at work and always finished jobs etc so it was a two way thing.

Lougle · 17/09/2018 19:12

It's very hard to know what to do, isn't it. I had to phone work and say I wouldn't be there because my mum was very ill (MH) and I needed to take her to hospital, and I wasn't sure when I would be able to come to work. In the end, she turned out to be quite catastrophically ill, and I needed 6 months off work, and was only able to return because they found me a post with less hours and more flexible hours, so that I can work when I can, and be available for my Mum's appointments, etc., and my children's school runs.

That's NHS, too. They really did go above and beyond in their faithfulness to me.

Original poster

Sunkist12 · 18/09/2018 08:03

Not sure where you're getting that assumption from I work afternoons and evenings up until 11pm to work around my 2 dc. My grandad lives an hour away, so could not just pop up after work. In the end, I went to work and had myphone on me the entire duration on my shift and informed my manager that if anything changes I'll be leaving. Luckily, I'm off work today and I'm about to leave to visit and hopefully give my nan some rest while I'm there.

OP posts:

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