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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be honest about my teen / uni years with my DC?

17 replies

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 11:03

I don't think I was particularly "wild" but I got drunk, smoked a few cigarettes, smoked the odd bit of weed, tried a few other drugs. Nothing particularly heavy but it was available and I tried it. Most of my friends did and we all went on to be regularly working people and none of us are smokers, heavy drinkers or drug users now.

I've discussed this with my late teen DC and had open conversations about the dangers, the risks etc.

However, their father (my ex-H) who did exactly the same as me - I know because I was at uni with him - has told the DC not to touch any of it and that he never did! I mentioned this to a friend and she said that she also lies to her DC and claims that she only ever got a bit tipsy and never touched drugs.

So, AIBU? Should I have lied too (obviously too late now)? Is that what parents do?

OP posts:

LoveAGoodChat · 17/09/2018 11:07

Only you can decide whether to tell them or not, but beware it can backfire on you, they could decide to try drugs, drink, alcohol etc and when you try to tell them not to they have the perfect comeback "you did it when you were their age and turned out ok so why shouldn't they"....

So you need to think it through carefully before you tell,

Racecardriver · 17/09/2018 11:09

I think that it is only worth being honest if you have had bad experiences tbh.

Original poster

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 11:10

Why would that be Racecardriver, if you don't mind explaining more?

OP posts:

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/09/2018 11:12

I don't think lying is right, no. The options are "tell them" or "don't tell them" - "tell them you didn't" isn't an option. I haven't told mine. They've never been interested. The concept that your parents might have been young once is strange enough for most teens, and they're not particularly interested to find out what you were doing or thinking at that time, so "not telling" is very easy.

SpoonBlender · 17/09/2018 11:17

I'd tell them, otherwise it's a rebellion target. But remember that

Weed these days is skunk, way more powerful and paranoia inducing than in your day (frankly horrible stuff)
Drugs that are called ecstacy, MDMA, speed these days are not necessarily the same as when you were doing them - usually entirely different compounds. LSD's the same though.
They'll do whatever their peer groups is up to whatever you say really

Addictive stuff like tobacco, heroin, cocaine should still be heavily warned about - all of those can catch you in one sample. Steer clear of.

Booze - hopefully they'll navigate those issues successfully.

Original poster

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 11:19

MereDinto my DC are interested in me and my life and they asked me outright what life was like at uni, festivals, parties and had I drunk, smoked, taken drugs etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 11:21

SpoonBlender that's pretty much the conversation I had with them, although I was less stern about tobacco.

OP posts:

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 17/09/2018 11:23

I can understand about the drugs and smoking but what is the point in lying about alcohol? If you don't drink now, I get could understand, but if you do, then they just won't believe it.

FittonTower · 17/09/2018 11:26

Teenager's aren't stupid, they know you and they know you didn't grow up in a Jane Austin novel. They'll know you drank and partied at uni and they wont be at all suprised you smoked a bit of weed. Lying to them is pointless but also could alientate them a bit.
I always think the 'everything in moderation' line works just as well for partying as it does for cakes and honesty about drugs is important. Telling teenagers that a bit of weed will destroy their life is such obvious bobbins that it dilutes more serious mesages.

FittonTower · 17/09/2018 11:36

My mum's line with me was she never touched anything that didn't grow in the earth. So weed and mushrooms were fine, anything else was not to be trusted. She is an old hippy tho....

SossidgeRoll · 17/09/2018 11:41

My parents told me they never touched drugs. I've seen the phots of them tho and they look a bit wild. Both wore sunglasses at night, fur coats, motorbikes. If they didn't do ANY drugs...in the 60s and 70s I'd be amazed. However, as a teen I appreciated a flat "No". It was like, OK they are 'bad' there's no grey area. That's why I assume they lied.

womanintrousers · 17/09/2018 11:45

I work with vulnerable young adults and children. I am totally honest with my teenagers because I respect them and want us to have trust and an open dialogue.

I have told them that I took an occasional E and smoked cannabis at uni and when I lived somewhere it was legal. I have also told them about their uncles alcoholism and drug addiction and discussed the different paths friends took when exposed to drugs. We've discussed at length the difference between doing something that risks your health (risky, dangerous, is it worth it?) and doing things that risk others such a drink/drug driving spiking people, pressuring others (criminal, disgusting and utterly unacceptable). We've also discussed the high cost in terms of health that various behaviours carry - from sun beds to binge drinking, unprotected sex etc.

If I lie to them and say that smoking a joint is a life of drug addiction then how can I expect them to trust me when it comes to the really important stuff.

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 11:51

My father told me he took drugs when he was young and at parties. This was in hindsight a grave mistake, not only did I see him in a completely different light (not positive I might add) It also gave me the green light to experiment and have the attitude that 'all' people dabble with it (which is wrong). In some ways I think he was condoning drug use in some ways.

With my dc I will be skirting the issue until they are in their mid twenties. So not to outright lie, but severely moderating what I say. I don't want my dc to ever think using drugs is okay.

They have asked me, and I always say do I look like the kind of person who takes drugs? It is not a lie, it is reversing the question. I have a lived a very wholesome life for 25 years or more.

We talk about drugs and the dangers often, and drinking too. They often ask did I ever get really drunk? I can answer that I never peed my pants or fell over and I am glad I can be truthful. I then move onto a horror of a story that will have them laughing or chatting about it.

I am not lying, but I would rather they didn't ever think it was okay.

Most if not all of my friends are the same.

BlindAssassin1 · 17/09/2018 11:51

When the DC get older enough I'll probably be honest with them. Tried a bit of this and that, some things did not agree with me, hangovers are horrendous, comedowns are dreadful and smoking kills but honestly, lots of people have a good time.

DP, who has lived quite the wild child life, is very against legal highs and smoking. We both expect them to try at least alcohol, tabacoo and weed.

I would never pretend to them that I lived some untainted virginal adolescence. How can they ask you anything if they think you've got no experience on a subject?

Babyroobs · 17/09/2018 11:52

I've told my older dc's that I've tried dope once and it wasn't a pleasant experience and wouldn't recommend it. I've told them I wouldn't want them to try drugs.

Original poster

MargoLovebutter · 17/09/2018 11:54

womanintrousers - you have articulated exactly where I come from with this but so much better than me.

My DCs love, respect me and trust me. They know that I always deliver on my consequences and that I will only manage their behaviour that way, if they have broken my trust. The times I have had to do that in their teenage years is ZERO! I've slowly & gradually let the decisions they make about themselves expand, so that they don't just go out into the world at 18 and go nuts because there is no one telling them 'no' anymore.

They have zero respect for the answers that their Dad gave them because they know he is lying to them.

OP posts:

Hallouminati · 17/09/2018 11:59

I've been honest with DSD about my experiences as I know she'll do what she wants anyway, but I'd hope it would encourage open and honest conversation, which it has done.

I don't think there is any danger of glorifying it if you give a balanced view. I broke up with an ex over his drug use and I've been quite open about the problems it caused and how in his case it escalated.

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