To ask if you felt guilty for having a second child?

[jaseyraex]

I'm experiencing an overwhelming amount of guilt for my three year old at the moment. He's struggling to adjust to the newborn, and so am I tbh. I feel like all I say to him is "in a minute/not now/maybe later/mummys busy" and he always looks so sad. He keeps telling me he misses me. He's waking up constantly during the night just for a cuddle which he never used to do. I just feel awful about it all. I feel like I haven't stopped crying since we got home from the hospital, I never thought it would be this hard. Is this normal? Does it pass? I feel like he's never going to get used to the change.

My 2nd is only 5 months old - but for me it did get better! The newborn stage in intense and full on but once that was over things got a lot better. I felt absolutely awful for DS. He also went from sleeping through to waking up for cuddles multiple times in the night - but with lots of reassurance it only lasted a few weeks. DS loves DD and was the first one to make her laugh. They have a really special bond and it's lovely to see.
It will get better. Lots of reassurance for your elder one and see if you can have some special time together while the baby is with someone else or napping

Also if you feel like you are always saying to elder child "in a minute" etc you can also start saying it to baby (for elder ones benefit). Baby cries a little "in a minute baby I'm just having an important cuddle with your brother" that way he doesn't feel like it's always him waiting

I'm pregnant with #2 and I was just thinking about this yesterday. DD is nearly 4 and still sleeps with me at night. No idea how things are going to pan out when little brother or sister arrives!

Thanks thiskitten. Baby is only four weeks old so I know it's still early days. He just seems to be struggling so much. DH is going to stay home with the baby this weekend while I take DS out just the two of us.

It's understandable to feel guilty (I did / do too) but wouldn't you also feel bad if they had no sibling to grow up and play with?
A sibling is a special bond that your son will have for a lifetime. So he feels unsure and worried for a few months -he will have a sibling for the rest of his life.

"DH is going to stay home with the baby this weekend while I take DS out just the two of us."

That's a good start, but you may also want to carve out half an hour of time each evening in a room together playing or reading or in the garden or go for a walk without the baby. Giving him consistent alone time with you, not just Dad, should make him happier and decrease the chances of sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head.

My baby is 10 months old but DD 3 yrs old is still struggling. Same things you mention: waking up at night after being a good sleeper, being naughty to get my attention, etc. I'm actually feeling guilty the other way, in that DD sucks up so much attention and energy that I feel the baby doesn't get enough of me.

It's really hard finding the balance with two!

Everyone goes through this stage. I watched friend after friend bawl their eyes out worrying about neglect. When what i saw was a mum coping brilliantly and a child who had lost some attention getting used to the new status quo.
And then i did it too. And i felt so dreadful. Luckily as i adopted i had a social worker who also reassured me. My dh spent a bit more time with ds - or took dd so i could have 1:1 time with ds for short bursts.

I did at first yes.

DD1 didn't get much time qithme at the start and felt our bond would break.

Now they are 5 and 2.5 thoughim so glad we did as they play together, snuggle each other etc. They love each other's company.

Yes it was hard the first year I'd say butnoethey both have a sibling for life.

Massive guilt when my second arrived!!! But it got better little by little and now (4 years on) they’re best buddies most of the time.

FullOfNothing I do try whilst baby is napping, but then he gets upset if baby wakes up and I have to cut short whatever we were doing. Evenings aren't really possible, DH works 12 hour days and DS is in bed by the time he gets home so finding time without having to have the baby around isn't easy. DH days off are the best option for proper one on one time.

I felt it severely throughout my pregnancy and for the 1st few months. Then it all settled into place and the family felt right again.

For my DD, the gains of having a sibling far out weigh the losses of no longer being the only one. The constant chatter, play, grumbles and laughter is wonderful. It’s easier on us parents too as we don’t have to be the playmate all the time.

It is very difficult but it will pass and you'll be happy that you have 2.

Mine are 2.9 years and 9 months. I felt dreadful for turning DD's life upside down but she adores her baby brother now. She was in hospital for a week recently and the first time her face lit up and she looked like herself after surgery was when I took her brother in to see her. They already play together, it basically involves DD running away and the baby crawling after her round the house but they both laugh their heads off the whole time.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I knew I wouldn't be alone but it's a bit more comforting to actually see that other people experienced the guilt too!

In the early days, absolutely. Though I do think you take those "in a moment" moments a little harder than your DC will, and you'll be the only one who remembers them.

We're 7 years on now and I look back and see that DS1 having a little brother has been fabulous for him and has made him an even lovelier child. There's 5 years between them, so DS1 could do a few bits for himself when DS2 came along, like pour his own juice and prep a bowl of cereal. But as DS2 got older DS1 loved being able to teach him things and show him the right way to behave. The benefits of having another child to share his life with have outweighed any possible negatives.

Yes. I wish I had known about it.

DS1 was 14 months old. The second he met his newborn brother he went from being my little baby to hulking great toddler. I cried and cried. I felt guilty for DS1 and then for DS2. I remember saying ‘sorry’ to them so many times.

It passes. They have to learn to wait. Sometimes the baby will cry a few seconds longer than DC1 would have cried for. Sometimes you don’t just drop everything at the first murmur.

You’ll work it out and it will go. It definitely affected my bonding with DS2 - that took longer whereas it was pretty instant with DS1. I just wish I had known to expect it.

Further down the track now and they all have to wait, get on, share, be patient. That’s just family life.

Watching this post with interest. DC2 is due imminently and I'm already overwhelmed by guilt. It is good to hear other people's experiences xx

Overwhelmingly, yes. All through my pregnancy and for 3 or 4 months after the birth.

Everyone adjusts eventually though. Once they start interacting with each other and making each other laugh, the guilt will fade!

I found that my eldest DD loved the positive attention she got for 'helping' with the youngest and loved to help me get drinks etc when I was feeding. I definitely used this to my advantage.

Massive guilt. I felt awful ! But it does get better & it will pass - I now have 4 and didn’t feel guilty when I had the others.
My eldest was only 20 months when her sibling was born and I just don’t think she understood. Her behaviour deteriorated & she was a tricky toddler.... she’s a lovely 10 year old now (has her moments as everyone does!) but it hasn’t damaged her which was my main fear & is an amazing big sister to her 3 siblings.

I was worried before DS arrived about how DD would cope with suddenly having to share her parents. I found she responded really well to helping me look after DS. Eg it was her job to get the nappy out for me and pass me a wet wipe. I bought a chair for DS for the bath and it was her
Job to wash his feet. They have always been amazingly close.

Congratulations on your new baby.

i thought this 7 years ago and my dd1 who was 2 was over joyed at having a sister and proclaimed "ill never be lonely again"

they are a real team now at 7 and 9, 2 girls and have such an amazing bond!

No point feeling guilty- sibling rivalry is perfectly normal and having to play second fiddle for a while does them good rather than harm. Suddenly it’s not all about them and that’s a good lesson to learn.