Another about intrusive questions!

[Sleepykate]

Inspired by the other post about intrusive questions (but these are of a different nature). Hubby is from another country and we live here with DC. It's common in this country to be VERY nosy. Questions that you will be asked by total strangers - what qualifications do you have? What's your mother's job? Fathers job? Your job? Your salary? Where do you live? How much was your house? Etc. These questions will also be asked to children (what grades are you getting in school, parents jobs, plans for the future, from such a young age!) The questions all revolve around money and qualifications and status and are the others persons way of gaging whether you are "good" and worthy of their time, or not. I HATE it! I don't want to answer these questions all the time, partly because I think none of your damn business! And partly because I worry that it's teaching DC a bad lesson (your worth is decided based upon your qualifications and your income, and that of your family). DH hates it too,as do his siblings and friends (it's mostly the older generations who ask these questions and younger people don't like it/ask but it's out of the question in this culture to be in anyway rude to an elder so they never say anything.

WWYD? Answer these questions every time you meet someone (and this is the kind of stuff asked as Smalltalk, if are introduced to someone in public or at an event for example, as well as when you're introduced to friends and family of people)? Or think of a polite way to avoid answering? Should I just suck it up and give away personal info that I'm really not comfortable discussing with strangers, or shall I try to think of a way to divert the conversation? I'd love to do the latter (if the general consensus isn't that this would be unreasonable of me!) but I'll need your help to think of how to do it!

Also want to add - I know sometimes on here people get upset when you mention the age of the people/person involved. I'm not being ageist by mentioning that they're older, just trying to illustrate that 1) not all people do it 2) it's a traditional thing and 3) it's all the more important in this culture to be careful how you word things as anyone older than you should be respected

It's completely not a traditional thing! It's not even a thing in most places I've ever lived in the UK. Please don't see it as a quirk of the country, it just sounds like you are hanging about with some very rude, materialistic and pretentious people. No, don't answer their daft questions, and try and meet some normal people instead!

I read the OP's post to mean that it is traditional to be nosy in "this" country DH is from (ie not the UK).

I might be wrong though and if I am then I agree with PP's!

Tough one if it’s a cultural thing - you wouldn’t be telling one person to stop being rude & invasive, it’s a whole part of the community so the questions will keep coming.

I’d decide on your priorities - is it to absolutely avoid answering these questions (and risk offending) or to have an easy life/make a respectful impression & answer them.

If you want to be evasive you could try “oh not enough” (salary) or “in between jobs/this and that/business consultancy” but I’m unsure how effective that would be in this culture.

Me, I’d go for the ‘easy life’ option when you’re adjusting to a different country - but throw a few porkies in ;)

I always thought it was seen as crass to discuss money like that? I’m from the UK, and when I went through a phase of asking people what they earned as a child (I was odd, I also liked to look at people’s toilets) she tried to drum it into me that it’s bad manners!

I don’t think it’s a cultural thing anyway. I wouldn’t like it if DD was being asked the same questions.

By ‘she’ I mean my Mother. It’s been an early start

Practice a tinkly laugh and say "oh I'm far too British to talk about that!"

I do think it is normal in some cultures to ask such questions. Decades ago Dh and I lived in a Mediterranean country where people would regularly ask where you worked, and 'How much you take there?' etc., - asking how much you paid for your house or for your rent, or something you'd bought, was routine, too.

To me it was both rude and nosy, but had to accept that it wasn't considered either of those things in that country - it was normal.

Might add that not many years later, about a year after we'd bought our UK house, a new( English) neighbour asked outright how much we'd paid for it. I was really shocked at a Brit asking such a question - it just wasn't 'done' (this was obv. pre nethouseprices etc., where you can have a good old nose anyway, but couldn't very well refuse to tell him.

As it happened, prices had shot up in the year after we'd bought ours, so new neighbour had paid considerably more - I don't think he's ever forgiven us!

Hubby is from another country and we live here with DC. It's common in this country to be VERY nosy.

The way you have written this says that your DH is 'from another country' and we live 'here' ...[UK]

I don't think this is what you mean. The way you've written it is that your DH is from overseas but you all live in the UK.

Do you mean your DH is from another country and you live there ???

Until you clear this up, it's confusing.

But where ever you are, I'd just smile and say where you come from it's not considered polite to talk about personal things like that. end of.

You will have to establish the boundaries that you are comfortable with because the people in your host country won't. Explain it's not your way to pry, and ask them why they want to know these things when you yourself take people as you find them. You don't have to be super sweet about it either, or you will find yourself kowtowing in social or workplace situations and that will make you unhappy. If people simply must know your circumstances they can get the information in other ways.

Is there a time limit for you to live as an expat or are you in it for the long haul?