Now what...?

[Gracie2906]

Posting here for traffic...

DP asked me to marry him the other night, no ring or formality; I said yes, of course!

But now what...!? Do we go buy a ring together then tell family? Does he pick a ring alone? Do I chose a selection and he chooses from said selection? I know he's very keen to do a proper proposal from what he's said!

At this stage we are keeping it very quiet (just us two know), I'm presuming he's not even asked my Dad yet, but know he would want to so I'm guessing if this hasn't been done yet then it will be on his immediate to do list. I did ask him outright regarding it and he replied with "mind your own business!"

Any heads up of the done thing Would be greatly appreciated x

My DP proposed a week ago, he hadn't asked my Dad (I wouldn't have expected him too either) and he already had a ring. I personally wanted my DP to choose something but we have similar tastes - would you trust him to choose something you like.

He's also already proposed and you've accepted so asking your Dad is a bit too late now. If I were you I'd suggest to him that he either picks a ring (if that's what you would like) or say that you can pop and look at rings together.

Suppose your dad says "No"? What then?

DH and I had spoken about marriage both agreed it was on the cards, and I'd made it clear it was the one thing I wasn't going to take a lead on, he can be quite relaxed about getting things done.. we'd looked at rings together but only very generally on line and he knew I prefered sapphires to solitaires, so when he proposed and had bought a lovely vintagey ring it was brilliant and I'm glad I didn't know exactly what it would look like. He did speak to my parents before, but he's known them since we were teens as we were friends for years, my DF essentially said to him, you know her well enough to know she does what she wants and hasn't really listened to me since she started talking 🙈, we completely support you both. My mum then suggested he delay the proposal by two months, he wanted to do it at Christmas and she suggested that I'd prefer if he did it when we were on holiday, thanks mum, I'd only waited five and a half years by that point, just delay it a bit more!

It sounds like he's got a plan, let him get on with it now you've agreed in principle

Oh dear god, are there really still people asking fathers for permission to acquire their daughter?

Unless you think of yourself as an object why would you possibly want that to happen? Or marry someone who thinks it's a good idea?

If you were capable of deciding to marry in a normal discussion like the grown adults I assume you to be, I do not understand why you are not capable of continuing that discussion to iron out any other details.

Are you time travelling from the 50’s, OP? If so, welcome, but try to be prepared to make your own decisions.

Bumpy landing, clearly.

It’s nice that he’ll want to ask your dad. I’d want my dad to be asked - not because I need husband permission or because I’m anybody’s property, but because it’s a sign of respect. He’d be asking for my dads blessing more than permission!

If my ex had asked my dad’s permission he would have definitely said No! 😂 and Id have refused to marry him too for doing it. Clearly wouldnt really know me at all if he did that.

I know he's very keen to do a proper proposal from what he's said!

OP it all sounds a bit strange. He has asked you to marry him. You said yes. So you’re engaged. He’s done the proposing. So what’s the “proper proposal” for? Just for show? He already has your answer.

And asking your dad (cringe) after he has already proposed makes no sense. What is he asking your dad for when he clearly doesn’t have an reapect for either that tradition or your dad’s opinion anyway?

As for the ring, pick your own. You have to wear it forever.

Any heads up of the done thing Would be greatly appreciated

Why do concerned with what is “the done thing”? It’s 2018- suit yourself.

Each to their own regarding asking fathers - personally I like it! Quit the feministic chat! I'm more than capable of making a decision and do not feel like my Dad owns me - I see it as being courteous and polite!!!

Quit the feministic chat!

😂😂😂

Oh so thats how to stop those pesky feminists!!

I see it as being courteous and polite!!!

Ah well, if it’s the polite thing to do, shouldn’t he ask your whole family? What about your mum’s opinion? Your great aunt Margaret? Bubbles the goldfish? Why not light some incense, get the ouija board out and ask the ancestors? Why is it only your dad who’s allowed to give permission, seems a bit rude. What if your dad says no .

Congratulations!

Personally I'd go ring shopping together - it's exciting and can be
made in to a special occasion with a nice meal out after. I still
remember engagement ring shopping an eons later.

I think it's a lovely gesture to ask your dad too - some things are just traditional and nice to keep. It doesn't all have to be stamped out - there's bigger fish to fry.

It doesn't all have to be stamped out - there's bigger fish to fry.

Bigger fish than the idea that you ‘belong’ to your father until you find a husband? I’m no radical feminist, but even I think that is one ‘tradition’ that should stay in the far FAR past where it belongs. How on Earth is it polite to ask a father to marry their daughter? It shows that some men still view women as possession, and worse still some women are happy to be treated as such and have convinced themselves it’s a sweet tradition. It’s quite shocking in this day and age, actually.

It shows that some men still view women as possession
It used to be the case - same as the father walking the daughter down the aisle to 'give' her to her husband. People keep the tradition and don't take it literally now.
They're both benign traditions now.

I see it as being courteous and polite!!!

Well, maybe. But now when you ask the father after you’ve already proposed. You’re just going through the motions because you think it’s expected. You don’t actually care about being courteous and polite to her father. It’s actually quite insulting to ask him after you’ve already proposed really.

not

They're both benign traditions now.

So why carry them on? If the connotation behind it is so awful, what makes it a ‘sweet tradition’ now? It’s not like it’s changed the ideology behind it.

Honestly, if my partner had asked my father (or anyone’s) permission or blessing to marry me, I would have said no to him. Absolutely a deal breaker, that’s not the sort of attitude I’d like to be stuck with. Luckily, my partner lives in the 21st century and also thinks it’s an awful ‘tradition’.

My DH 'asked' my dad. My Dad wouldn't have minded whether he had or not, he certainly didn't see it as 'asking permission', but my DH did anyway out of respect for my parents, (Mum included, who was also there so asked them both). It was just a bonding thing with them.

ETA: My parents also paid for our wedding, so he was basically asking them for a butt load of money (not directly of course). I'd say that was just courteous.

It was just a bonding thing with them.

Did you reciprocate by asking his parents out of respect?

Well as I originally posted I don't know if he has in fact asked my Dad already - this thread was about the ring, not family!!

Thanks to those who have contributed with what they have done re ring purchase x

Congratulations on your engagement. We went ring shopping together to get to a shortlist DH then went on his own to make the final choice - this worked really well and still gave me a surprise when he actually formally proposed.

It may be tradition in your family but I would have been mortified if he had felt he needed to ask my dad - he has never acted as if he owned me. DD has recently got engagement and again, never occurred to her and DP to ask her dad.

@Padparadscha well we sat down and spoke to his mum together so yes I suppose I did. It was the first time I'd met her as she lives abroad so a bit nerve wracking!

Re the OP... DH proposed to me similarly to how yours has. I chose my own ring and he bought it. Made sense, got the size right and the ring I wanted.

Honestly, if my partner had asked my father (or anyone’s) permission or blessing to marry me, I would have said no to him. Absolutely a deal breaker, that’s not the sort of attitude I’d like to be stuck with. Luckily, my partner lives in the 21st century and also thinks it’s an awful ‘tradition’.

Assuming nobody gave you away/going to give you away then?

Assuming nobody gave you away/going to give you away then?

You assume correctly,

What if your Dad says 'No'?

Before my DP proposed, he asked my dad - it was something that was really important to me (and credit to DP, it was no mean feat, my dad is a terrifying Glaswegian ex copper!) my dad is my best friend and I saw it as a mark of respect