To be fed up of food controlling my life?

[MeteorGarden]

I grew up in a home ruled by mental health issues and OCD. (I’ll write another thread about my dad sometime- let’s just say he was an aggressive, selfish, manipulative, overbearing douche who threatened suicide every time my mum tried to leave him.)

By 13 I was in intensive CBT having regular panic attack’s. Food was a toxic issue in my home (I was early 20’s before I tried a burger or hotdog, or non English cuisine) I didn’t eat meat, fish or eggs from 13-19 as had been convinced these would make me ill. I was, in exchange, given un restricted access to sweets and was 16 stone by the age of 15 🙈 I cringe writing this.

I was also misdiagnosed coeliac (blood test) at 19 and lived totally gluten-free for 5 years- completely obsessive about it.

Now I’m in my mid 20’s, own home, trendy city, high income, trim size 10, super sociable and cycle everyday to the office (nobody would guess there was anything wrong with me) but I still struggle with food.

I worry constantly that things will make me ill and often suffer IBS symptoms and crippling internalised anxiety. I also, despite eating it for months at a time and being fine, go through patches of struggling with gluten. I’m not a fad diet or health foods person, I want to fall face first into a dominos but I get so inside my own head about it, it’s like it’s programmed in there. I think I’m ill and then I get ill being so anxious about it.

I don’t trust my own cooking, I had such little experience of foods growing up I can never tell if something is done and will overcook meat to the point it’s inedible.

I’m so much better than I was and have worked super hard, traveling the world trying new foods and building my confidence. But then I accidentally eat a mouthful of yogurt one day expired and have a panic attack so bad I vomit.
It’s always 1 step forward 3 steps back feels like no matter how much ‘better’ I get I will never fully undo the damage and be 100% ok.

DP and I are getting married next year and want a family. I really want to leave all the worrying and obsessing behind me but it just follows me like a little storm cloud.

Op you may benefit from talking to a therapist to help you work through these issues with food that your upbringing has left you with,

Also another thing you might consider trying is cooking classes (so you can learn how to cook things and therefore trust yourself that you are capable of cooking and that your cooking is safe to eat)...if you can't afford classes or don't want to be in a class environment there is always YouTube cooking videos that you can watch to learn from until you get the hang of it

Have you shared these food issues with your partner?

I’ve had therapy 😞 it helps for a little while but not long term.
Oh yeah he knows, he’s actually a doctor so very good with me about it all.
I’ve watched cooking shows but I still worry about it, even if I ‘know’ it’s probably cooked I question it and worry about it.

Sounds a bit like orthorexia. Speak to your gp and see what they can do for you.

Therapy often needs to be ongoing for a long long loooooong time.

I wonder if you dig around you can find a support group? If not perhaps investigate setting one up - where you practice making and eating food dishes as well as talk about the feelings associated with food?

As someone who grew up with vegetarian parents and therefore can't cook meat very well.

And as someone who has a phobia of stomach upset and I have bad IBS.

Quorn is your friend.

No worries about under cooking. Or if you reheat it etc etc.

Gosh, you've come so far. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Don't focus on the negatives. Yes you still have battles, but think also of how far you've come. It's a long way and you've achieved so much. Try to give yourself some context here. 💐