Aibu about weed/cannabis/whatever?

[charitypringle]

Hi,
I’ve just had a massive fight with my husband and wanted a bit of advice. When we were teenagers he smoked weed (I wouldn’t say a lot) but after university and birth of the first baby it had definitely stopped. I did suspect that perhaps on nights out with his friends he had dabbled, but no point asking as it wasn’t regularly or affecting anything.

End of last year he had a bit of a tough time (he is on a strong dose of sertraline for depression/anxiety still) and began smoking weed again, he was going to a friends and stinking of it when he came home. I expressed my dislike for it and expressed I would much rather he didn’t. Then it crept up to now the point that from 7pm-11pm every night he is smoking joint after joint. I hate it, fuck knows what the neighbours think and the biggest problem is that when he ISNT smoking it he is so irritable and quite honestly nasty. I’ve just begged him to stop and told him that it’s warping him as a person and he’s gone nuts at me saying ‘I might smoke a lot of weed, but at least I’m not unfit’ just really trying to upset me. Anyway, I told him he is going to ruin our lives if it keeps up and he says that he ‘needs’ it for his anxiety and it helps with a lot of negative feelings, and then ended the convo with ‘if you can’t accept me smoking weed, then I want a divorce’ this isn’t my husband and I don’t know what to do.

Other issues that come along with it is that financially we aren’t well off and his really irritating weed friend is here nearly every evening when the children are in bed.

He’s convinced that I’m making it into an issue in my head, and that if i ‘accepted’ it I wouldn’t be so against it and that it’s just me trying to control him and tell him how to live his life.

So, AIBU to get so upset over weed?

When it is having such negative impact on your life like this, no you are not being unreasonable.

And it is a vicious circle, strong weed causes paranoia and anxiety. It doesnt help it at all.

Im not anti drugs, there are some people who can smoke weed and not have any issues. But that isnt the case for everyone.

So he would be totally cool with you cracking open a bottle every night and being sloshed?

Weed isn't the problem, he is.

Arbitrarily checking out every night to get stoned isn't for you to accept. He needs to accept it's not on.

I strongly believe that weed enhances the way you feel(always has for me anyway),so if you are happy in yourself a joint will make you merry but if you are down it will accentuate those feelings without you necessarily realising it,and so weed can be a dangerous-mental health wise- crutch to use for self medication.The fact that he's spending money that you can ill afford on his habit and you are having to put up with someone you don't like around your home practically every night,as well as your husband's nastiness toward you and threats of divorce would cause me to make an ultimatum of my own-either he cuts out/down his drug use and goes back to speak to the doctor (they may be able to offer counselling or something) or he can have his bloody divorce!

I didn’t mind when we were young and responsibility free. But we’re not anymore, it’s like he’s rebelling against me and growing older!

Thanks everyone. I’m so confused because it’s such a drastic change in personality!

And I don’t think I can put up with it for much longer, I feel utterly drained.

it’s just me trying to control him and tell him how to live his life.

I'd tell him that he is welcome to control his own life - somewhere else.

The way you're living is unacceptable - is he doing it indoors?

No, outside. But in full view of others.

I'd be disgusted if my neighbours did this. It stinks and I don't want to breathe it in.

Don't know how you stop him but he needs more respect for you and others around him.

I don't like the smell and wouldn't want it round me.
Also what if you had an emergency and needed to get dc to hospital or something?
And neighbours can be funny buggers calling police and stuff if you fall out with them.
My son s relationship broke up partly due to his girlfriend smoking weed with her druggy mates in their (non smoking) flat.
Tbh when my friends have done it they just get really lazy and boring.
Yanbu. He has dc now. He s not a teenager

I'd leave him if he didn't stop.

He should be free to do what he needs to survive life.

But if it's affecting your children or leading to him crossing your boundaries you have a right to give ultimatums.

YANBU, regular use of weed does bad things to people. I had a couple of friends who smoked every day, they wasted years of their lives not doing anything. I would call his bluff and ask for that divorce.

Of course it’s not ok - just like getting drunk every night is not ok.

And how old are your children? There will come a point that they will become aware of their father’s habit...

Definitely not OK he's self medicating with weed and it's going to be bad for both him and you and the family. It's probably going to massively exacerbate his anxiety long term and I just wouldn't be happy with someone smoking weed in a house with my child.

No idea what the solution is but I would absolutely want it stopped in my house. No way in hell would I ever accept it.

Most of my friends smoke weed. (I don’t as it really doesn’t agree with me) and the vast majority have fully functioning lives, no problems and that’s fine, but I also know a few who can’t function without it, get paranoid and stressed if they have none.

I also know people who have to have a joint as soon as they get up in a morning.. yet if anyone else said they had to have a whiskey or a line of coke to get them going in a morning, that would be frowned on (and rightly so!) yet stoners don’t seem to think they have a problem ..

Is it an option for you to consider Al-Anon or something similar? If he's smoking that much and having a hard time functioning off it he may be dependent. That isn't good. A support group may help you cope.

It’s difficult because weed does help a lot of people with anxiety and is medically prescribed for that reason in my state.

I doubt it’s the weed that’s changing his personality and think it’s more likely to be the depression and anxiety. I’d have less sympathy for him if he self diagnosed and went straight to the weed, but it sounds like he has been going to the doctor and tried other meds.

However, it sounds like he’s using it quite heavily in the evenings, there’s certainly question marks about long term use and I presume it isn’t legal where you are. Is it affecting his work? I’d worry that he’s straddling the line between treatment and lifestyle choice.

Has he tried any other treatments, like counselling? I wouldn’t want to rule out weed altogether if it benefits his mental health but I think it’s something that should be used as sparingly as it can and other means of dealing with his anxiety would be preferable.

I'm not anti cannabis at all, I think it will be legal at some point, but he's using it to self medicate, can't afford it and sound like he's smoking in a house with children present, so it will affect them. If he were behaving the same with alcohol it wouldn't be acceptable so neither is this.

YANBU DH and i are the neighbours who have to put up with the absolute stink coming from the flat directly below us. It HONKS. And has a direct bearing on whether we can have the windows open or not.

Medical weed is very different to street weed as its lower or has no Thc. Thc is the part that for some people can make mental health issue worse. I feel for you op I have a family of drinkers and smokers and being around some of them is horrible.